paul_valaru
100% Pure Canadian Beef
Fred, a nature lover decided to go on an exploratory mission to the deepest regions of the Amazonian Rainforest. It had been his life ambition to explore this encredible environment and look for species never before discovered. He decided he would consult his best friend Dr. Heimlich a zoologist to learn of any species that were rumoured to exist except there had been no evidence of live specimens. Dr. Heimlich suggested Fred might want to look for a Rarie. Raries were apparently small cute purple fluffy things with a mouth, eyes but no limbs. The signs for tracking such a creature were thought to be traces of the purple fluff that sometimes get left behind as the Rarie rolls around the rainforest. Fred set off after many weeks packing and preparing for his long voyage, determined to capture a live Rarie and bring it back for Dr. Heimlich to study. Dr. Heimlich also speculated over the possibility of breeding Raries for their furr and their dung which is rumoured by certain amazonian tribes to have medicinal properties. After a hard weeks traveling Fred found himself deep in the amazonian rainforest. The wonders of GPS allowed him to keep track of his position so he planned a rigorous search of a 10 mile square region for signs of Rarie activity. After spending many hot, wet, hard days trudging through the undergrowth Fred struck gold, or rather, purple fluff. He was exstatic, it was a large tuft of bright purple fluff, slightly pinkish towards the roots. Looking around him he searched for any signs of Rarie movement. Upwind he found a deposit of sweet smelling purple sludge. Aha, he thought, Rarie dung. Fred knelt down to scoop the small pile into a sample container to keep for analysis. Suddenly purpleness flashed by the corner of Fred's eye. He hurled himself in the direction of the moving blur and lunged out catching a handful of fur causing him to be dragged though the mud. After a considerable period of time Fred regained consciousness and opened his eyes. Peering through the dim light he was astonished to see a small fluffy purple creature was bouncing up and down next to his feet. Yes ! it was a Rarie, only a small one, about one foot diameter but unmistakable with 2 big blue eyes and a mouth nearly invisible due to a soft covering of the fur which covered the rest of its body. Fred slowly reached for his Rarie Net(TM) Patent Pending. The Rarie seemed quite unscared and if anything more curious about Fred than he was of it. Fred had no difficulty in coaxing the bouncing bundle into his portable Rarie Cage which he had made himself out of creepers. Thrilled and using his GPS, Fred made his way back to the airport via his base camp. Worried that his Rarie would be confiscated from him on entering his country due to quarentine laws, Fred concealed the Rarie in his hand luggage and took frequent trips to the toilet on his transatlantic flight to feed and water the Rarie. Dr. Heimlich was overwhelmed with interest in the new discovery and spent several weeks observing the behaviour of the Rarie. It became apparent that the Rarie didn't sleep and had no will to do anything other than roll around and eat. Fred decided he would call his Rarie, "Rarie", not very imaginative perhaps but still, an accurate description since they are indeed, rare. Fred took Rarie home and let it live in his house. He found it to be quite a good pet as all it required was space to roll around and lots of food to eat. In fact, Fred found that if he didn't feed the Rarie enough its vibrant colour would slowly fade and the Rarie become less and less prone to roll and bounce around his spacious house. Keen to keep his new friend happy, Fred fed Rarie large amounts of food every day. Much to his surprise the Rarie increased in size significantly every time he gave it a meal. He was rather concerned about this so he consulted Dr. Heimlich who instructed him that this behaviour appeared completely normal and that he must have captured a young rarie and so it should be expected to grow. Dr. Heimlich instructed Fred to under no circumstances withhold food from the Rarie. Fred was happy that his pet was growing so despite the Rarie taking up an inconvenient amount of space in his house and costing a large amount in food, he kept feeding it. After several more weeks had passed the Rarie had grown to a diameter of 8 feet. Fred was rather worried about this as the Rarie had no space to move around and in trying to bounce it was damaging the structure of his house. He again consulted Dr. Heimlich. The Doctor was puzzled at the rate of growth and size of the creature. He instructed Fred to keep feeding the Rarie but if it growed any more that he may have to dispose of it. Fred was reluctant to accept such an outcome but seeing as he had brought it into the country illegaly he agreed that he would have to get rid of Rarie if it became unmanagable. He drove home slowly, taking his time. When he came within sight of his house he was astonished to see that his house was half demolished and the purple fluffy blob covered in bricks and masonry had grown to a 30 foot diameter. He was dismayed and annoyed but he resolved to get rid of the creature and restore his life to normality. He hired an articulated dumping truck cabable of lifting the 5 tonne creature and a crane to hoist it onto the truck. After many hours lifting and manouvering the Rarie onto the back of the truck he set off. He drove to a 4000 foot high cliff near his house and backed up to the cliff edge. He set the truck to slowly lift the dumper then he got out to watch the last few moments of the Raries life. It was all very emotional as tears began flooding down Fred's face causing the Rarie too burst into tears as well. The Rarie slowly began to roll towards the cliff edge, Fred could barely look. To make things worse the Raries fluf got snagged on the side of the dumper to leave the huge thing dangling over the edge of the cliff. Fred had had enough so he got in and drove the truck away from the cliff, breaking the Raries grip letting it hurtle down to the bottom of the cliff and splat into a mixture of purple, pink and blue sludge. Whats the moral of the story? Its a long long way to tip a Rarie.
There aren't enough tomatos for those jokes. You know that, right?
