A duck goes into a bar

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of
the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her ..."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."Id
better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?" "Oh, no," says the little old lady.

"You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game; a lot of fans come and pee in
the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the
way, whats in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

Did you hear about the 92 year old couple who got the window glazing compound and the KY jelly mixed up? Know what happened?...





















. Their windows fell out!

You need to smacked.

Repeatedly.

paul_valaru said:

Click to expand...

ditto

A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave - side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held in cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, he got lost and being like some of the rest of us did not stop and ask for directions.

He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

He apologised to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers that he wouldn't hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. And the preacher began.

As he preached, some of the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and "Alleluia". Well, it kind of got him going and sort of got wound up and he preached like he'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. He closed the lengthy service with a prayer, closed his bible and walked to his car. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another," I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years."