Would be the speech of the century

[Gonz]

How many of you would like to see this on TV?

My fellow Americans:

As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.

It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.

On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty--starting now.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.

Some will accuse us of isolationism.

I answer them be saying darn tootin. Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.

It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from America.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.

God bless America.

Thank you and good night.

Just a thought

 

[Rose]

Works for me.

 

[Inkara1]

Hey, it would give all these other countries what they supposedly want, which is us to stay out of their business.

 

[Thulsa Doom]

ok and when the oil embargo drives the price of gas to $30 a gallon and foriegn tarrifs reduce the american economy to great depression depths what do you suggest bush says then?

 

[Gonz]

Foreign tariffs? What tariffs...we'd no longer trade with the enemy.

Oil embargo? Maybe that would motivate our congress to allow drilling in America & the Gulf of Mexico. We have plenty of oil if we could get to it.

The economy would be wounded but not mortally. We are a large nation, capable of sustaining ourselves.

 

[Thulsa Doom]

Island America! Full speed ahead! Now lets get working on digging up all the national parks shall we. Theres oil under there...

 

[Rose]

* doesn't know much about oil, but think there's still plenty of oil in the US that's NOT in a national reserve - like all of these now-closed oil wells in Oklahoma and Texas - that can still be tapped *

* also thinks it not so bad to drill in Alaska *

 

[Gotnolegs]

If it'd stop you trying to tell the rest of the world how to live their lives I'd be for it.

Can't see how it would reduce bad feeling amongst potential terrorists though.

 

[AlladinSane]

Go ahead. I'm betting high money onto it...

 

[Luis G]

I have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security.

Yeah, then you guys would finally START doing your job regarding drugs entering illegaly to your country.

 

[unclehobart]

Just closing up shop would be a wee bit destructive on the short term economy. There shouldn't even really be a speech. It should just slowly happen onver a two year period of time so that preparations could be made. The alaska/texas/oklahoma oil operations could easily pump all of the crude we ever need. It just needs the better par of a year to come out of mothballing. Gas would shoot up to about 2.25+/gal ... and various formulas would have to be streamlined.. but its very much doable. Its the refining side that has a hard time keeping up. Unfortunately the interwoven power grid system will need some major overhauling if you are suggesting taking Canada off of it. A good many jobs that went overseas for cheap labor would have to be rebuilt from scratch. Workers would have to be paid a compettetive wage. Costs would jump 50-100% across the board. People would have to learn to live with less and it would take a decade to smooth out the ripples.

How about foreign held debt? We can't default on it or else the world economy would be tossed into chaos. We would have to internalize it all. It would all certianly cause a mini depression with wicked inflation... but the end result would leave us much stronger.

 

[Thulsa Doom]

The alaska/texas/oklahoma oil operations could easily pump all of the crude we ever need. It just needs the better par of a year to come out of mothballing. Gas would shoot up to about 2.25+/gal ...

I cannot possibly see how you figure this. We have less then 3% of the worlds oil reserves and we use 25% of the worlds oil. So you suddenly cut off middle east oil, south American oil, Russian and eastern european oil, northern european oil, African oil, central American oil, etc. and you expect there to barely be a hitch? Im paying $1.60 right now. Yer dreaming if you think it would only go up 65 cents. Are you planning on banning SUVs and light trucks? You start telling Americans that they cant have their 2 ½ SUVs and cheap gas to boot and there will be a revolution. Bad idea no matter how you slice it.