In the final analysis though, coming from someone who has, and will continue working all 12 Steps, the things I have gotten from it are as follows:
• I no longer walk this earth feeling like a "less than", and while it's not perfect or consistantly always true, at least 90% of the time I see myself for what I truly am. A very intelligent, insigtful, deep, loving, creative, and multi talented person. I am no better or worse than anyone else, just different. I can't tell you how huge this gift is.
• The ability to walk through calamity, with calmness and purpose, and do the right thing in the face of inevitable pain thet everyone in this world has to face from time to time, without a crutch (drugs).
• A release from the boredom and worry that used to be a constant source of exasperation in my life. I realize now that things will be OK no matter what, or I'll die, and that too is ok when and if it happens.
• A release from the attachment to what is not real (i.e., money, material possessions). I want what I have more than I have what I want and that my friends is the secret of happiness IMHO.
I still strive for goals, but now I set realistic goals and look at what the mini goals are that need to be set in order to achieve the major goals. A lot of this stuff that has happened I can only speculate is a "divine gift", because it sure isn't "my" basic nature, that has effected these changes, and I still constantly slip back into old ways. The difference being now that when I do I am aware of it and aware of what to do to correct it. I suspect there is some creative intelligence behind the reality of the world we see. Most would call it "God" but if you asked me I'd call it "the force", but when I call it G-O-D, that stands for Good Orderly Direction. A dark side and a light side, both at my disposal should I decide to accept it's existence and use it for what its their for (guidance IMO). So I do pray, I call it god (though I really think of it as everything and nothing all at once).
The way in which I pray is like they told me to do in the book, and I don't usually make requests, because as my experience tells me, this thing never just gives you anything. Instead it gives you insights on how to acheive your desired goal, so long as your desires are divorced of seriously selfish and self serving motives. Nobody is perfect to be sure, but all that is asked is that we try. This thing though is NOT a judgemental man in the sky. It is within each and every thing living or no in this universe in my honest opinion. Beyond that, well until I pass from this level of existence, well I frankly don't really care. When I need to actually talk to it and ask questions, I grab my sponsor (one has 32 years, one 11, and one 5, because I have three), or another friend in the program I trust and ask their opinion about whatever dilemma I am facing. Generally I know what the answer will be when I ask the question, but ultimately I know that they can't make decisions for me, nor would they want to. The can though, act as mirrors, and when I am in error they can point it out, and why I am in error when I am unable to see through my will and the selfish motives driving it.
I have never in my life had more friends. All of them who truly care about my well being and that is a priceless gift. So go ahead and tell other people how 12 step programs that you have probably never even given an honest try, are total bogus crap, but I have ceased to care what you say, and I will not argue with you (unless I am in a bad way on that particular day and lapse into "stinkin' thinkin'". For you, for all I know, it may be true, but for me it's a heinous lie and I truly pity you for that belief.
May ALL of you, be blessed with a Happy New Year, and all the things I wish for myself in 2008.
