bad way to die :)

tonksy

tonksy

New Member
A Horrible Death

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
 
Changing Careers

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So he found out from his local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all he could. When time for the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."
 
The Blonde and the Peach Farmer

The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.

Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blonde in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"

Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale."

The blonde, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"

Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."

So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"

The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."

She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"

The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."
 
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "And why is that Eve?" "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "Man? What is that Lord?" "A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?" "Well.....you can have him on one condition." "And what's that Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. You know, woman to woman."
 
AlphaTroll said:
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "And why is that Eve?" "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "Man? What is that Lord?" "A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?" "Well.....you can have him on one condition." "And what's that Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. You know, woman to woman."
Click to expand...

BRILLIANT! :rofl4:
 
The Doctor Visit

A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven, Florida.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man asked, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row.

The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140.. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare."
 
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed,when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache".

"Perfect," her husband said. " I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to
you!!!


(Well, we had to have one for the boys too)
 
so...who actually uses the headache excuse? i'm sure i have...and meant it...but not very damn often...besides...they say an orgasm will help a headache....but i suppose that depends on your partners ability to give you an orgasm....
 
I've never used a heache as an excuse....and they're right, an orgasm does alleviate a headache, so even if I had one we'd work our way through it......hell, it's cheaper than asperin.
 
Worst typo ever............

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the "R", Weforgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is
crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate."

"The word is celebRate."
 
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