BeardofPants
New Member
A seminar run by :
Take it away, Kaz.
Wot was that you was sayin' about not snorting bran up the nose?
Alpha Troll
Take it away, Kaz.
Wot was that you was sayin' about not snorting bran up the nose?
How to *not* be a f*ckwit:
- Thread starter BeardofPants
- Start date
AlphaTroll
New Member
How not to be a fuckwit:
The objectives of this seminar can be outlined as follows:
1. Recognising fuckwit traits and tendencies.
2. Appreciation of the effect fuckwittedness has on the general population.
During the course of our time spent here we will learn a variety of useful skills, which will enable all to better cope in any situation where fuckwits may be present. Also, you will learn to recognise the early detection signs of potential fuckwittedness in yourself and methods to curtail these tendencies.
I am extremely confident that, if caught early, anyone has the potential to not be a fuckwit. However, in the unlikely event of any method mentioned not being successful, I also include a brief on how to immediately and severely deal with the situation.
***********************************************************************
1. Recognising Fuckwit Traits & Tendencies.
A. If you have ever wondered if you are a fuckwit and done so loudly...in a public place. YOU ARE A FUCKWIT.
B. If you find pleasure in enthralling the general population (including, but not exclusively limited to, the bus driver / bag ladies / pigeons / statues / armed guards / internet message board members and / or hairdressers) with every minute detail of your mundane existence: YOU ARE A FUCKWIT.
C. If you believe the world revolves around you and you are always correct. YOU ARE A FUCKWIT.
D. If Point C above applies in real life and internet message boards: YOU ARE GONZ.
E. If you cut other road users off, only to slow down to an almost complete stop and then wonder why they honk their horns at you and make rude gestures: YOU ARE A FUCKWIT.
F. If your name is Robert Mugabe: YOU ARE THE MOTHER OF ALL FUCKWITS.
G. If you are reading this list and wondering if there is an acceptable average or margin of error: YOU ARE A FUCKWIT.
H. If people generally avoid you in social situations or fake epileptic fits to escape the tedious nature of your conversational skills: YOU ARE A FUCKWIT.
I. If you start conversations with "My kids are so cute" and then promptly produce a 50 inch wallet, containing photographs of little Johnny and Sally - with a captivating story accompanying each polaroid, failing to notice that your victim has glazed over like a Christmas ham: YOU ARE A FUCKWIT.
J. If you sing along to adverts in movies and / or deliver a running commentary during the movie: YOU ARE A FUCKWIT.
** Please note that the above are but a few, non-exclusive, examples. You may add some for discussion purposes.
******************************************************************************
2. Appreciation of the effect fuckwittedness has on the general population.
Shortly - the general population (excluding inanimate objects, extra terrestrial visitors, your senile grandmother, animals with IQ's lower than 7, babies fresh from the womb and / or lesbian vampires) absolutely and without reservation detest fuckwits. The sensation of being caught in conversation with a fuckwit can be likened to a frontal lobotomy, through the nose, by means of a dentist drill. In some cultures victims of fuckwittedness have been known to insert their heads into rhinoceros anuses in order to escape - thereby suffering an excruciatingly slow and agonising death - far more appealing than being trapped within a 200 mile radius of a fuckwit.
I shall open the forum now for members to discuss their personal experiences of pain and suffering when last in proximity to a fuckwit.
**********************************************************************************
We will continue this discussion bright and early tomorrow morning. Do not be late. Only fuckwits are late.
The objectives of this seminar can be outlined as follows:
1. Recognising fuckwit traits and tendencies.
2. Appreciation of the effect fuckwittedness has on the general population.
During the course of our time spent here we will learn a variety of useful skills, which will enable all to better cope in any situation where fuckwits may be present. Also, you will learn to recognise the early detection signs of potential fuckwittedness in yourself and methods to curtail these tendencies.
I am extremely confident that, if caught early, anyone has the potential to not be a fuckwit. However, in the unlikely event of any method mentioned not being successful, I also include a brief on how to immediately and severely deal with the situation.
***********************************************************************
1. Recognising Fuckwit Traits & Tendencies.
A. If you have ever wondered if you are a fuckwit and done so loudly...in a public place. YOU ARE A FUCKWIT.
B. If you find pleasure in enthralling the general population (including, but not exclusively limited to, the bus driver / bag ladies / pigeons / statues / armed guards / internet message board members and / or hairdressers) with every minute detail of your mundane existence: YOU ARE A FUCKWIT.
C. If you believe the world revolves around you and you are always correct. YOU ARE A FUCKWIT.
D. If Point C above applies in real life and internet message boards: YOU ARE GONZ.
E. If you cut other road users off, only to slow down to an almost complete stop and then wonder why they honk their horns at you and make rude gestures: YOU ARE A FUCKWIT.
F. If your name is Robert Mugabe: YOU ARE THE MOTHER OF ALL FUCKWITS.
G. If you are reading this list and wondering if there is an acceptable average or margin of error: YOU ARE A FUCKWIT.
H. If people generally avoid you in social situations or fake epileptic fits to escape the tedious nature of your conversational skills: YOU ARE A FUCKWIT.
I. If you start conversations with "My kids are so cute" and then promptly produce a 50 inch wallet, containing photographs of little Johnny and Sally - with a captivating story accompanying each polaroid, failing to notice that your victim has glazed over like a Christmas ham: YOU ARE A FUCKWIT.
J. If you sing along to adverts in movies and / or deliver a running commentary during the movie: YOU ARE A FUCKWIT.
** Please note that the above are but a few, non-exclusive, examples. You may add some for discussion purposes.
******************************************************************************
2. Appreciation of the effect fuckwittedness has on the general population.
Shortly - the general population (excluding inanimate objects, extra terrestrial visitors, your senile grandmother, animals with IQ's lower than 7, babies fresh from the womb and / or lesbian vampires) absolutely and without reservation detest fuckwits. The sensation of being caught in conversation with a fuckwit can be likened to a frontal lobotomy, through the nose, by means of a dentist drill. In some cultures victims of fuckwittedness have been known to insert their heads into rhinoceros anuses in order to escape - thereby suffering an excruciatingly slow and agonising death - far more appealing than being trapped within a 200 mile radius of a fuckwit.
I shall open the forum now for members to discuss their personal experiences of pain and suffering when last in proximity to a fuckwit.
**********************************************************************************
We will continue this discussion bright and early tomorrow morning. Do not be late. Only fuckwits are late.
AlphaTroll
New Member
No. It is the result of some intensive research. The rest is to follow. Tomorrow.
AlphaTroll
New Member
Which is kind of the point of this little 'seminar' - to enable them to recognise the traits in themselves & others.
BeardofPants
New Member
K: You never quite managed to develop a maturity level beyond that of a 3-year old whiny brat, and have yet to grow out of "spitting the dummy".
L: You don't wear pants.
L: You don't wear pants.
