I didn't know there were rules...

chcr

Too cute for words
The Rite of Ritual Defecation
Meant originally as a joke but founded upon standard ceremonial magick & occult practices. Probably the most disgusting thing about this rite is that it actually works! Um...not that I do this sort of thing very often...

Tools and materials required: 1 Holey Sacrificial Bowl (common toilet that has been dedicated to magickal work), ceremonial tissue paper (in rolls, preferably 2-ply), deodorant spray, and the usual sacrificial offerings appropriate to this Rite. If necessary an empty tissue roll may be used as a temporary wand.
1. Firstly, secure and clear the ritual space in the usual manner by closing (and preferably locking) the chamber door and then perform preliminary banishings according to one's traditions.
2. Next, assume the proper position (i.e. perched aloft the magickian's 'throne' in the appropriately semi-disrobed fashion).
3. Now, activate and open corresponding energy centers (e.g. root or 1st chakra) for the auric purification and any other energy work to be done. One might use a previously learned grounding exercise and then systematically open the other chakras to ensure proper energy flow through the auric sphere.
4. When ready, the magickian may concentrate all negative emotions and tensions such as anger toward people or situations, sadness, depression, etc. and direct them into the ritual offering (which is still to be found in its entombed position held securely within the grasp of the magickian's rectal sphincter).
5. While vibrating any and all appropriate names whether voluntarily or involuntarily, the magickian should then deposit the ritual offering(s) into the Holey Sacrificial Bowl, thus releasing them from his body and purifying his energy field. The Sign of the Excretor may be used while releasing the offering (sitting version of the Sign of the Enterer), and a more accurate version of the Sign of Silence (Harpocrates sitting upon a lotus) may be used to cut off the flow of energy after each release.
6. One should visualize the emotional tensions which were concentrated into each offering as being permanently released from one's sphere of consciousness, only to be dissolved over time in the septic waters which carry away impurities toward their return to the Source of All. Meditation on the significance of this cycle of endless return may also prove beneficial later.
7. If the magickian is lucky enough, the Holey Sacrificial Bowl (corresponding to Water and really just a larger version of a common ritual chalice) may deem him worthy of the anointing of a watery kiss upon his root chakra after a particularly substantial release. This may also help to alleviate any initial pain or irritation that may have been experienced in that area. Pain is a part of life, and often encountered when dealing with one's inner turmoils, tensions, and unresolved emotional conflicts.
8. Following the completion of this Holey Rite, the magickian should then perform the final cleansing with the ceremonial tissue. Then, send the offerings on their way to return to the Source, assured all the while of one's emotional tensions being dissolved over time in the septic waters of creation and renewal.
9. When once again fully robed, perform the proper rituals to close the ceremony according to one's tradition, and banish with deodorizing spray.
10. Cleanse the hands in the usual manner, and return to the world of people with the smug satisfaction that they are completely unaware of what you've REALLY been doing in there all this time. Note: a magazine carried under the arm is a good cover-up for this Rite.

Linkage: http://www.poopreport.com/Resources/
 
Islamic rules...

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]ISLAMIC RULES CONCERNING USE OF THE LAVATORY[/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]

(Not simply a case of pulling down ones pants)
by Miss. Darvas

[/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]{[/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]***}[/font]​
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]It is obligatory to conceal one's private parts in the toilet and at all times from adult persons even if they are one's near relatives (like mother, sister etc.) Similarly, it is obligatory to conceal one's private parts from insane persons, and from children who can discern between good and evil. However, husband and wife are exempted from this obligation. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]It is not necessary for a person to conceal the private parts with any definite thing, it is sufficient, if, for example, he conceals them with his hand. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]While using the toilet for relieving oneself, the front or the back part of one's body should not face the holy Ka'bah. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If a person sits in the toilet with the front part of his body or the back facing the Qibla, but turns the private parts away from that direction, it will not be enough. Similarly, when the front part of the body or the back does not face Qibla, as a precaution, he should not allow the private parts to face that direction. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Recommended precaution is that one should not face the Qibla or have one's back towards it at the time of Istibra (to be explained later), nor at the time of washing oneself to become Pak after relief. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When one is forced to sit facing the Qibla, or with his back towards it, so as to avoid somebody looking at him, or if it is not possible to do so, or when there is an unavoidable excuse for sitting that way, it is permissible to do so. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]It is a recommended precaution that even a child should not be made to sit in the toilet with its face or back facing Qibla. But if the child positions itself that way, it is not obligatory to divert it. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]It is haraam to relieve oneself at the following four places: [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]- On the property (land) of a person who has not granted permission for the purpose. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-In blind alleys, without the permission of the people who live there. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-At a place which is waqf exclusively for its beneficiaries, like some Madrassahs. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-On the graves of Momineen, and at the sacred places whose sanctity will thus be violated. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]In the following three cases, anus can be made Pak with water alone: [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-If another najasat, like blood, appears along with the faeces. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-If an external najasat reaches the anus. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-If more than usual najasat spreads around the anus. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]In the cases other than those mentioned above, anus can be made Pak either by water or by using cloth, or stone etc., although it is always better to wash it with water. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The urinary organ cannot be made Pak without water. If one uses kurr or running water, then washing the organ once will suffice, after removal of essential najasat. But, if one uses under-kurr water, then recommended precaution is to wash it twice , better still, three times. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If the anus is washed with water, one should ensure that no trace of faeces is left on it. However, there is no harm if colour and smell remain. And if it is washed thoroughly in the first instance, leaving no particle of stool, then it is not necess ary to wash it again. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The anus can be made Pak with stone, clod or cloth provided they are dry and Pak. If there is slight moisture on it, which does not reach the outlet, there is no objection. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If one makes oneself totally Pak with stone, clod or cloth once, it will be enough, though it is better to do it three times. In fact, it is better to use three pieces. And if one does not get totally Pak after three times, he may continue till he is Pak. However, there in no harm, if invisible, tiny particles are still there. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]It is haraam to make the anus Pak with things which are sacred and revered, like, a paper on which the names of Allah and the Prophets are written. And using bones or dung for the purpose, may not make the place Pak. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If a person doubts whether he has made the outlet Pak, it is necessary that he should make it Pak even if he may have been doing it always as a matter of habit. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When a person doubts after Namaz, whether he made the outlet Pak before he started the prayers, the namaz already prayed will be valid, but for the ensuing prayers, he will make himself Pak. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]

[size=+0]ISTIBRA: (SHAKING IT DRY)


[/size][/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Istibra is a recommended act for men after urinating. Its object is to ensure that no more urine is left in the urethra. There are certain ways of performing Istibra, and the best of them is that after the passing of urine, if the anus also becomes najis it is made Pak first. Thereafter, the part between the anus and the root of penis should be pressed thrice, with the middle finger of the left hand. Then the thumb is placed on the penis, and the forefinger below it pressing three times up to the point of circumcision, then the front part of the penis should be jerked three times. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The moisture which is discharged by man during wooing and courtship, is called 'Mazi'. It is Pak, and so is the liquid which is seen after ejaculation. It is called 'Wazi'. Similarly, the liquid which at times comes out after urine, is called 'Wadi' and it is Pak if urine has not reached it. If a person performs Istibra after urinating, and then discharges liquid doubting whether it is urine, or one of the above mentioned three liquids, that liquid is Pak. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If a person doubts whether he has performed Istibra or not, and then discharges a liquid about which he is not sure whether it is Pak or not, that liquid is will be deemed najis, and if he has performed Wudhu it becomes void. However, if he doubts whe ther he performed the Istibra correctly or not, and a liquid is discharged about which he is not sure whether it is Pak or not, that liquid will be Pak, and it will not invalidate the Wudhu. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If a person performs Istibra, and also performs Wudhu, and if after Wudhu he sees a liquid discharged, of which he knows that it is either urine or semen, it will be obligatory upon him to do Ghusl, together with Wudhu. But if he had not done Wudhu after Istibra, then Wudhu alone will be sufficient. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When enough time has lapsed since urinating, and one becomes sure that no urine is left in urinary passage, and then he sees some liquid, doubting whether it is Pak or not, he will consider it as Pak, even if he had not done Istibra. If he has Wudhu, it will be valid. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Istibra is not meant for women, and if she sees any liquid and she doubts whether it is urine, that liquid is Pak, and it will not invalidate Wudhu and Ghusl. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]

MUSTAHAB AND MAKROOH ACTS:
(FORBIDDEN ACTS AND FORBIDDEN PLACES TO RELIEVE ONESELF)
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[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]It is Mustahab that a person sitting for relieving himself, sits at a place where no one would see him, and enters the toilet with his left foot forward, and comes out with his right foot. It is also Mustahab to cover one's head, and to place one's weight on the left foot. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]It is Makrooh to face the sun, or the moon, while relieving oneself. But if a person manages to cover his private parts, it will not be Makrooh. Moreover, it is Makrooh to sit for urinating etc. facing the wind; or on the road side, or in lanes, or in front of a doors of a house or under the shade of the fruit-yielding tree. It is also Makrooh to eat while relieving oneself, or take longer then usual time, or to wash oneself with the right hand. Talking is also Makrooh unless necessary. To utter words remembering Allah is not Makrooh. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]It is Makrooh to urinate while standing, or on hard earth, or in the burrows of the animals, or in stationery water. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If a person performs Istibra, and also performs Wudhu, and if after Wudhu he sees a liquid discharged, of which he knows that it is either urine or semen, it will be obligatory upon him to do Ghusl, together with Wudhu. But if he had not done Wudhu after Istibra, then Wudhu alone will be sufficient. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]It is Makrooh to suppress or constrain one's urge for urine or excretion, and if it is injurious to one's health, it becomes haraam. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]It is Mustahab to urinate before namaz, before retiring to sleep, before sexual intercourse, and after ejaculation. [/font]
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GHUSL: OBLIGATORY BATHS
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[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]There are seven obligatory baths, one of these being Bath for Janabat (or cleaning up post-coital stickiness). [/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Rules Regarding Janabat:[/font]
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A person enters the state of Janabat in two ways: [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]- Sexual intercourse [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]- Discharge of semen, while sleeping or when awake, little or more, with lust or otherwise, voluntarily or involuntarily. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When one cannot ascertain whether the fluid emitted from one's body is semen, urine or something else, it will be treated as semen if it is thrown out with lust and if the body is slackened. If all or some of these signs are not present the fluid will not be treated as semen. In the case of illness, the fluid may not come out with sudden swiftness and the body may not slacken; but if the emission takes place with lust, it will be treated as semen. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If a fluid emitted by a healthy person possesses one of the aforesaid three signs and he does not know whether or not it also possessed other signs, and if before the emission he was with wudhu he will content himself with that wudhu. And if he was not with wudhu, it would be sufficient for him to perform wudhu only, and Ghusl would not be necessary. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]It is Mustahab that a person should urinate after the seminal discharge. If he did not urinate and an emission was seen after Ghusl, which could not been determined as semen or something else, it would be treated as semen. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font] [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If a person has sexual intercourse with a woman and the male organ enters either of the private parts of the woman up to the point of circumcision or more, both of them enter Janabat, regardless of whether they are adults or minors and whether ejaculation takes place or not. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If a person doubts whether or not his penis penetrated up to the point of circumcision, Ghusl will not become obligatory on him. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If (Allah forbid!) a person has sexual intercourse with an animal and ejaculates, Ghusl alone will be sufficient for him, and if he does not ejaculate and he was with wudhu at the time of committing the unnatural act even then Ghusl will be sufficient for him. However, if he was not with wudhu at that time, the obligatory precaution is that he should do Ghusl and also perform wudhu. And the same orders apply if one commits sodomy. [/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*[/font][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If movement of seminal fluid is felt but not emitted, or if a person doubts whether or not semen has been ejaculated, Ghusl will not be obligatory upon him. [/font]


You know what? I just gotta go.
 
:D thank gods my bathroom only has the standard rules of "PUT THE SEAT DOWN" and "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE AIMING THAT THING!!" ;)
 
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