Remember when oat bran was sweeping the
nation? Now comes beer.
At least, that's my prediction. Beer here, beer there,
beer muffins, beer bagels, low-fat vanilla beergurt -
the works.
Ever since the press pounced on two huge studies
showing that a beer a day keeps the doctor away -
or at least keeps him in his office while the beer
drinker is at the local bar, sliding under the table, far
from any white-coated professional who could give
his liver a poke and start a gusher - yes, ever since
beer became the healthiest thing since sliced
wheatberry bread with extra grit, a revolution has
been brewing.
The studies showed that moderate beer
consumption may trump moderate wine
consumption when it comes to staving off heart
attacks, hypertension, diabetes, dementia and
snobs.
A swig of the humble suds also may boost your
good cholesterol and ward off strokes. It may even
promote bone density instead of just the usual
density ascribed to beer drinkers.
The National Beer Wholesalers Association is so
psyched about these developments that it recently
held a seminar for its distributors on "Health and
Beer."
With things coming to such a head for the golden
brew, I can see an amber wave of beer-added
products sure to hit our health-crazed nation soon.
Stuff like:
Gatorale: What athletes drink when they're losing.
Buditos: Pre-moistened chips that taste like they already fell into
your drink.
Beerios: Parda thish nutrishush breakfish.
Keg McMuffin: You deserve a break today - starting on the way to
work.
Beer Bellies: Tiny jelly beans that come in every flavor, from Amstel
Lite to Dinkel Acker Dark.
Schlitz Crackers: Everything tastes better when it sits with a
Schlitz.
Corona Crispies: Free lime wedge inside!
Doan's Little Pilsner: Twice as effective as Doan's little pills.
Pabst Blue Bonnet Margarine: If you think it's butter but it's not,
it's really a yellow candle - lit - you've been enjoying Pabst Blue
Bonnet Margarine.
Betty Crocked: You'd get blitzed, too, if you spent 60 years pushing
cake mix in pearls.
Golden Coke: Everything goes better with this bubbly brew.
Miller Sprite: Tastes bad and it's filling. But heck, the kids are out
cold on Golden Coke, so you've got the afternoon free. It's Miller
Sprite time.
Sunsweet Cold Filtered Prunes: They're not just for grandma
anymore.
Newman's Own Roasted Garlic 'n' Parmesan Ale: Fancy,
overpriced, liberal, do-good salad dressing/aperitif that knocks the
socks off Wishbone Yeasty Italian.
'Nilla Schaeffer's: From the malt shop to you.
Malt Disney: A variety of beer-based kiddie snacks from a very
desperate Michael Eisner.
Stout Fast: Provides 100% of the empty calories Slim Fast users crave.
Nestle's Hic: Makes milk better. Waaaaaay better.
Michelobotomy: Though the head is missing on this new health drink,
it's what wage earners want at the end of the day.
