I'm trying to write some poetry and it's not happening...

Jon

Jon

New Member
I've never done anything like this before, as I've got more of a scientific mind than a creative one, hehe. I really don't want to make a fool of myself as it's to go in a Valentine's card, so I could do with some constructive feedback if you please. :) Here's my first ever attempt at writing poetry:

I live through my dark existence
only to bask in your beauty
your eyes that shine like sapphires
your smile that lights up my world
I envy the wind that runs through your hair
that touches your lips
I long to touch you; to hold you in my arms
like an angel you touched my heart
in a way that I've never felt before
as I've never known what love is until this day

It's not long, and I'm not sure what kind of replies I'm gonna get, as I was listening to Aphex Twin at the time...

thanks in advance!

Jon :)
 
no probn. its a great poem jon it really is. it came from the heart and thats the most important. let it flow naturally. ive had problems with poetry too most of mine come out to be essays :eh::blank:
 
freako104 said:
no probn. its a great poem jon it really is. it came from the heart and thats the most important. let it flow naturally. ive had problems with poetry too most of mine come out to be essays :eh::blank:
Click to expand...

Essays?
Were you trying to write them so called "poems" at school?
 
Trying is the first mistake. Poetry, like all art, cannot be made to happen. Forced art is work. Art should never be work.
 
Inspiration and first draft is art.

Second and subsequent edits are work... any good writer knows that. Most people don't realise that being a good poet takes work and practice.

It's a good first attempt btw, but steer clear of "oldie worldie" language and antiquated terms, and try not to use the same repeating words in a short piece. It's better for a modern poet to write in modern language.

My edits:

I've lived through the darkness
to bask in your beauty
your eyes like sapphires
your smile
the light in my life
I envy the wind
that runs through your hair,
kisses your lips
as I long to touch you;
hold you in my arms.
My angel, you've captured my heart
as never before
for I never knew true love
until today.
 
lacemyster said:
freako104 said:
no probn. its a great poem jon it really is. it came from the heart and thats the most important. let it flow naturally. ive had problems with poetry too most of mine come out to be essays :eh::blank:
Click to expand...

Essays?
Were you trying to write them so called "poems" at school?
Click to expand...

no at home but i couldnt get it from head to paper the way i wanted it to. as prof said you cant force it and i was forcing it.
 
thanks for the replies - i've been up for nigh on 24 hours straight again and i'm knackered, so I'll work more when i'm refreshed :)

Jon
 
sorry i forgot about this thread :)

well, i went and wrote a haiku in the card...

i saw her the following night (Valentine's night I went to Liverpool), and she seemed pretty upbeat when she came over to speak to me - unfortunately i didn't stay at The Place Which Shall Not Be Named™ (;)) long, as I had to go to work.

Sunday night, I saw her again at TPWSNBN™. Alas, she was with 4 blokes (that's guys to you Yanks/Canucks ;)), and I thought all hope was lost. But then me and my friends and her and her friends all left at the same time, and she wasn't acting like she was with any of them; infact, I think there's a definite possibility that she is indeed single.

I'll be seeing her again there on Saturday night, as I'm at home Friday night, and I feel it will be time to... make my feelings more appparent, in a subtle way, of course :)

Watch this space people...
 
Oh ya see now here I was thinking that this was a done deal already and you were looking to do something different, or uncharacteristic...

BUT really this was an opening volley!

...I'm watching this space...

BRING ME STORIES!

MADrin
 
...but I tell you this...I think I would've inquired as to her status first..

for instance...I'd have pretty much walked up to her and the four blockheads...

no..wait..blokes...

...and I'd have casually whispered in her ear...

"ummm..whats with the summer sausage party? Are you lookin', hookin' or teasin'?"

...and then she'd have either slapped me across the face or I'd have a date the next day. Either way that ugly part of courtship is over...

*WARNING: Author takes no responsibility for usage of this technique. Proceed at your own risk. Certain statements may or may not be of dubious value. Nothing in this agreement represents and offer to buy, sell, or barter any products. Not available in RI, CA, IL or IA or where prohibited by law*

MADrin
 
nah, we get on quite well seeing as we've only known each other for a couple of months and see each other whlist at TPWSNBN™; i'm an extremely shy type when it comes to this kind of thing, too.

she definitely likes me though - i can sense it :)
 
"Faint heart never won fair lady", or so the saying goes ~ you're going to have to be a little bolder or she may get bored and lose interest.
 
yeah, i'm stepping up the pace this Saturday night (I'd do it on Friday night, but I'm back in Sheffield for a mate's birthday) when I next see her.

but for now, i've gotta go to work... with the uniform... :cool: <-- literally :D
 
I'm with Aunty Em...I gotta say. Well..obviously that IS what I said...but still...

...."stepping up the pace" might not do it. Stepping up to the PLATE, might, however....

..which brings me to another even MORE OT question...what the shit is cricket? Really?

....I've seen it on one of the 500 chennels o' crap I get on satellite...it lasts for days, and there seems to be no end of points you can get..I think.

It makes me violent...

...anyway....call this chicka up tonite and set it up..and then report back...

I wanna know what she says....

DO IT!





*demon music*

whoOOA OHHH DAMIEN! WhhOOOAA OHHH DAMien......

*demon music off*

..do it do it do it do it......

MADrin
 
madrin said:
what the shit is cricket? Really?
Click to expand...

Definition of cricket

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.

Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!


I hope that made it clearer. :D
 
ARRRGGGHHH!!!!

So my violence is justified!

....ah well...Im off for tea and sammiches...

MADrin
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top