nice little LOL I ran across

unclehobart

unclehobart

New Member
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Hebrew and Greek.
3. It had no references only his own quotes.
4. It wasn't published in an academic journal.
5. Some venture to doubt that he wrote it himself.
6. Yes, He created the world but his notes are sketchy at best.
7. The scientific community cannot replicate his results.
8. He never received permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
9. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
10. He rarely came to class and just told students, "read the book."
11. His son helps him teach the class and now does so without being present in person.
12. He expelled his first two students for their first act of disobedience.
13. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountaintop.
14. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed.
 
In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.

In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post.

He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 had crashed their computers.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
 
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record store, waving their revolvers in the air. One yelled "NOBODY MOVES!!" His partner moved, so he shot him. "I [was] a little nervous," he was quoted as saying.

In Great Britain in 1997, a young man decided to blackmail a well-known supermarket chain by threatening to contaminate the foods on sale there. He sent a note demanding 30,000 pounds to be paid into his bank account and provided, (just to make sure that they got the right amount into the right account) his bank account number. Not surprisingly he was soon caught and convicted.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
 
unclehobart said:
Too smart to get caught is my theory.
Click to expand...

Mine too. I might have considered a life of crime but for the old back problem (that would be the yellow streak running down it).
 
The one about the guy with the credit card balance of $0 can't be true. Had the check bounced, they'd have tacked on a $35 fee, not to mention if the system thought he had a late payment they'd have tacked on a $30 fee, and so on.
 
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