DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read
the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only
came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the
can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to
be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot
of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer
available.
Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look
identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself.
The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about
the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A
notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the
trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot
like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims
that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but
in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly,
especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the
same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows
Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer
simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans
won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You
never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer
(International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million
six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like
Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look
inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people
will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends
try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list,
when you look at the small print, has some of the same
ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer
claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload.
This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but
the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows
95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an
"industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to
64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even
though they claim that all the different brands taste almost
identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open
them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those
occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of
instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for
several years.
AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been
picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be
an import. This beer never really sold very well because the
original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix
Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group.
It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans
too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy
and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years,
so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is
only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping. However, cans have been known on occasion to explode, or
contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high
pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer
for the list of ingredients, you're told that it's proprietary
and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by
the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians'
Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have
actually seen it.
