SouthernN'Proud
Southern Discomfort
In response to a request elsewhere, I present a work-in-progress. The SnP Southron Litmus Test. The test will be refined/expanded over time until it stands alone as the one true measuring instrument for transplanted yankees who desire to get right with God and become true Southroners. Well, as true as a transplant can get anyway. I mean, there's only so much perfection one can hope to attain without being born into it and all. But in admiration of those hardy souls who strive for a better life despite their inborn handicap(s), the following quiz should at least let y'all know how much work you still have to do. As updates are made to the test, future versions will be published. Just start with this for now, K?
(copyright 2007, Rebel Roost Publications, a sole proprietorship. All rights reserved.)
The Official Southron Litmus Test
1. Which of these is a part of the Holy Trinity?
A. The Father
B. The Son
C. The Holy Ghost
D. Bear Bryant
2. Which of these foods is NOT to be served with cornbread?
A. Lasagna
B. Burritos
C. More cornbread
D. Trick question. Cornbread is acceptable with anything worth eating.
3. When you see a Confederate battle flag in a crowded public place, which of the following is the proper reaction?
A. A short, respectful salute with right hand over the heart.
B. Breaking into a rousing chorus of "Dixie".
C. Quickly look around to see if anyone might be offended.
D. Wonder why you haven't seen a dozen already today.
4. Your teenaged daughter comes home from school and announces that she has a new boyfriend, a guy who moved to town about a year ago from Michigan. What is the proper response?
A. Demand to meet his parents within a week, to make sure they're OK.
B. Chastise your daughter for her poor judgment and instruct her to end the relationship tomorrow.
C. Take a deep breath, say a silent prayer, and do your best to welcome this young man into the family, all the while planning to
properly educate him when you have the chance.
D. Call the school board and demand to know just who let this carpetbagger into the school in the first place.
5. You adopt a new family pet. The first name that comes to mind is
A. Stonewall
B. General Lee
C. Rebel
D. Fluffy
6. You have just sat down at Lucy's Diner for lunch. You have placed your order, and asked for a Coke. What is the next word out of the waitress' mouth?
A. "Large or small?"
B. "Can or bottle?"
C. "Is Pepsi OK?"
D. "What kind?"
7. Which of the following is an acceptable trade-in on a new 4X4 pick up truck?
A. Your old 4X4 pick up truck
B. A 12 guage pump shotgun, thirty pounds of venison, and your Dogs Playing Poker velvet wall hanging
C. Your sausage recipe
D. Any of the above
E. All of the above
F. None of the above
8. You learn that your neighbor voted for Al Gore in the last Presidential election. What is the proper reaction?
A. Pray for a sinnerman.
B. Challenge his sissy ass to a fight.
C. Shake your head in amazement, walk away, and put your house up for sale before the neighborhood goes to Hell.
D. Call U-Haul...for your soon to be ex-neighbor.
9. Which of the following items would you be least likely to be without at any given moment?
A. Your drivers license
B. Your wife
C. Your huntin dawgs
D. A pair of needle nosed pliers
E. Your fishing rod
F. A tire guage
G. Go-Jo
H. Duct tape
I. D through H
10. What is the last line of the National Anthem?
A. "Won't you fly high, oh free bird yeah."
B. "Look away, Dixieland."
C. "And the home of the brave."
D. "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
Essay questions
11. In 200 words or less, explain the difference between Big 10 football and SEC football.
12. Compare and contrast the contributions to society made by Willie Nelson, Richard Petty, Ronnie Van Zant, and Buford Pusser.
13. Give at least four variations of barbecue, and justify why the barbecue from your region is superior.
True/False
14. There are people in some cultures who drink unsweetened tea.
15. There are people in some cultures who drink hot tea.
16. If done properly, fried okra is a food group by itself.
17. Spinner bait is ideal for trout fishing.
18. Catfish can be baked and eaten.
19. A tree stand constructed 20 feet off the ground, facing due west, has a higher probability of resulting in a successful day in the woods than one constructed 20 feet off the ground facing due south.
20. The shortest distance between two points is an interstate highway.
21. Dirt's for racing; asphalt is for getting there.
22. The Confederate flag features eleven stars on a blue St. Andrews cross on a red background.
Analogies
23. Friday night:high school football as Saturday afternoon:
A. Mowing the yard
B. Recovering from a hangover
C. Family time
D. College football
24. Peanuts:Coke as cornbread:
A. Chili
B. Beef stew
C. Peach cobbler
D. Buttermilk
25. 30-.06:rifle as 20 pound test:
A. Nails
B. Plywood
C. Hammer
D. Fishing line
BONUS QUESTION
Identify as many of the following as you can.
Cale Yarbrough
J.E.B. Stuart
Eli Gold
Estes Kefauver
The Alabama Gang
Moon Pie
Herschel Walker
William Tecumseh Sherman
Wet Willie
Joe Dean
Bill Dance
The number of herbs and spices in the original Kentucky Fried Chicken recipe
"The Lady In Black"
The proof level of non-sugar based moonshine
SUPER DUPER BONUS QUESTION
Who was our best President?
(copyright 2007, Rebel Roost Publications, a sole proprietorship. All rights reserved.)
The Official Southron Litmus Test
1. Which of these is a part of the Holy Trinity?
A. The Father
B. The Son
C. The Holy Ghost
D. Bear Bryant
2. Which of these foods is NOT to be served with cornbread?
A. Lasagna
B. Burritos
C. More cornbread
D. Trick question. Cornbread is acceptable with anything worth eating.
3. When you see a Confederate battle flag in a crowded public place, which of the following is the proper reaction?
A. A short, respectful salute with right hand over the heart.
B. Breaking into a rousing chorus of "Dixie".
C. Quickly look around to see if anyone might be offended.
D. Wonder why you haven't seen a dozen already today.
4. Your teenaged daughter comes home from school and announces that she has a new boyfriend, a guy who moved to town about a year ago from Michigan. What is the proper response?
A. Demand to meet his parents within a week, to make sure they're OK.
B. Chastise your daughter for her poor judgment and instruct her to end the relationship tomorrow.
C. Take a deep breath, say a silent prayer, and do your best to welcome this young man into the family, all the while planning to
properly educate him when you have the chance.
D. Call the school board and demand to know just who let this carpetbagger into the school in the first place.
5. You adopt a new family pet. The first name that comes to mind is
A. Stonewall
B. General Lee
C. Rebel
D. Fluffy
6. You have just sat down at Lucy's Diner for lunch. You have placed your order, and asked for a Coke. What is the next word out of the waitress' mouth?
A. "Large or small?"
B. "Can or bottle?"
C. "Is Pepsi OK?"
D. "What kind?"
7. Which of the following is an acceptable trade-in on a new 4X4 pick up truck?
A. Your old 4X4 pick up truck
B. A 12 guage pump shotgun, thirty pounds of venison, and your Dogs Playing Poker velvet wall hanging
C. Your sausage recipe
D. Any of the above
E. All of the above
F. None of the above
8. You learn that your neighbor voted for Al Gore in the last Presidential election. What is the proper reaction?
A. Pray for a sinnerman.
B. Challenge his sissy ass to a fight.
C. Shake your head in amazement, walk away, and put your house up for sale before the neighborhood goes to Hell.
D. Call U-Haul...for your soon to be ex-neighbor.
9. Which of the following items would you be least likely to be without at any given moment?
A. Your drivers license
B. Your wife
C. Your huntin dawgs
D. A pair of needle nosed pliers
E. Your fishing rod
F. A tire guage
G. Go-Jo
H. Duct tape
I. D through H
10. What is the last line of the National Anthem?
A. "Won't you fly high, oh free bird yeah."
B. "Look away, Dixieland."
C. "And the home of the brave."
D. "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
Essay questions
11. In 200 words or less, explain the difference between Big 10 football and SEC football.
12. Compare and contrast the contributions to society made by Willie Nelson, Richard Petty, Ronnie Van Zant, and Buford Pusser.
13. Give at least four variations of barbecue, and justify why the barbecue from your region is superior.
True/False
14. There are people in some cultures who drink unsweetened tea.
15. There are people in some cultures who drink hot tea.
16. If done properly, fried okra is a food group by itself.
17. Spinner bait is ideal for trout fishing.
18. Catfish can be baked and eaten.
19. A tree stand constructed 20 feet off the ground, facing due west, has a higher probability of resulting in a successful day in the woods than one constructed 20 feet off the ground facing due south.
20. The shortest distance between two points is an interstate highway.
21. Dirt's for racing; asphalt is for getting there.
22. The Confederate flag features eleven stars on a blue St. Andrews cross on a red background.
Analogies
23. Friday night:high school football as Saturday afternoon:
A. Mowing the yard
B. Recovering from a hangover
C. Family time
D. College football
24. Peanuts:Coke as cornbread:
A. Chili
B. Beef stew
C. Peach cobbler
D. Buttermilk
25. 30-.06:rifle as 20 pound test:
A. Nails
B. Plywood
C. Hammer
D. Fishing line
BONUS QUESTION
Identify as many of the following as you can.
Cale Yarbrough
J.E.B. Stuart
Eli Gold
Estes Kefauver
The Alabama Gang
Moon Pie
Herschel Walker
William Tecumseh Sherman
Wet Willie
Joe Dean
Bill Dance
The number of herbs and spices in the original Kentucky Fried Chicken recipe
"The Lady In Black"
The proof level of non-sugar based moonshine
SUPER DUPER BONUS QUESTION
Who was our best President?
