One cloudy day, Gilbert humped Leslie on the lawn. Leslie, Gilbert's favorite pet goat, was given to him three truly dissapointing years ago by his uncle. Suddenly, Gilbert fell dead. But Gilbert awoke from the bad dream and found his darling (goat) Leslie giving soft kisses on his protrusion.
I want greenfreak's red balloon. It has become apparent that Gilbert can't count. Flatulent porcupines invaded Gilbert's campsite, and each post should *bing*!
After hearing that weird noise, Sally stumbled out of the coma, originally induced by sniffing the ass of a baby llama. "Hmmmmmmm..." said Master Yoda after stroking his green, shrivelled, hairy, 800 year-old goat that Gilbert loved like a brother. Yoda said "you will, yesss, the Dark Side clouds everything, apart from spacktards" (which are always easy considering one bad apple of Star Wars fame cake).
I'm not sure what a bad apple cake is, but they are made with 150g of flour, seived, 1oz butter and a pint of Guiness. Toss for hours until hands are sticky. Oh yes, and it must be removed from the oven with the force to be a genuine bad apple Star Wars cake. Dusted with chocolate and served with chocomochareastero, it makes a delicious snack.
Under the laws for cake-making, you'll find a horrible recipe by jamie oliver, banned by the security commision of Belgrade, and "you can't make more than one post consecutively," said the officiator. "No multispamachocomoccoeasteroactivesconsecutiverisations!"
Then fury stopped in, and told the officiator to grab ahold of the cow man's vagina, which really pissed off his anus, and made his mother go "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I've got lovely bunch of cocunuts."
This morning there was not many Orangutans in the place they usually hang out. Weird that, because my mama always said Orangutans hang out there, and discuss weekly news issues about the world's biggest orangutang hair harvester.
WTF? This harvester is made by Sweedish virgins who mail order them to a specialist, Q, who in turn humped Gilbert wildly, screaming out the words to Captain &Tennile's "Love Will Keep Us Together."
Shaking his head at the odd previous statement the bum, [he] dealt the final card of YEESHBAH. And everyone in unison said "WTF?" - delivering victory!
The Russian army ran out of chocomochareastero after they slept with all of Gilbert's goat. Claire sat up, switched on the radio - *crrrrrrrrrrr...ssssshhhhh...."gale force 8, strong to med"....sshh...crrr...."A wondering minstral"...shhh..."Sports news now, in boxing, Mike Ty"...crrr....sshhh....*....."and now for the lesbian sock puppet happy hour..."..."why, you smell good..."
Suddenly, the radio exploded, showering the carpet with plastic. Seeing the explosion the mice gnawed Gilbert to bloody bits before declaring a day of celebration. Recent events concerning the genetically-enhanced tortoise army came to an abrupt end when a turtle infiltrated Gilbert's goat, commenced eating the bloody bits before the evidence could be gathered, and started a ninja-fight with throwing stars and nun-chucks.
The nuns objected to being chucked and promptly shampooed the goat before smoking a chronic blunt and finding themselves with god, who later was proven to be unclehobart in drag (which made the nuns want to smoke more chronic blunty goodness). As the smoke rose, the nuns (being all high) had not noticed they shampooed all the wool off the sheep. THE SHEEP WERE BALD!!!!
The light bouncing off the now ridiculously shiny sheep blinded passing motorists, causing a 40 car pile up - despite the frenzied masturbation of the german penguins. Meanwhile, tanks rolled into Snowy Tin-tin's dog, killing him instantly. None of the US-folk get the reference to the obscure French cartoon, so instead erect a massive wall to help block out the blinding sheep. And then poor Sally's water broke.
Sally ran quickly to find a water pump to orangeade well before remembering about the lost yeti whom-astered the art of using "who" and "whom" correctly. Recent events in Pakistan have brought the attention of a concerned world to realize that if [they] eliminated a large portion of breaded chickens, there would be more room for bald sheep, and less room for hairy geronimo turtles. You know, the ones with ovegrown hair in all the wrong places.
When Gillette found out about them, a magical mushroom man appeared and shaved all their asses. Literally. Because of the great pile of hair, the Oreck vacuum cleaner man was called to the scene to dispose of it all. Testing a new refrain from [the soundtrack of] "Personal Attacks," triscuits distributed through the good guy gilbert foundation made peolpe laugh and cheer. Not as Gilbert, he didn't. Maybe Wally or Mary Beth or occupant or Housen Marrowquack.
The triscuits were stale. It was to bad that they were stale as well because everyone knows that triscuits are great dunked in lamb blood, and fried over the open fire (with mesquite smoke chips, of course).
Meanwhile, at the town hall The nuns were picketing... little did they know that the riot police were converging upon Sister Sledge, the funkiest nun in the convent. But sister 's' saw them coming and slipped one in. You should have seen that guy's face when he stood back up!
In the midst of the chaos the great lord Meakingesa appeared and started a speech on freedom for herons. The nuns had to leave in a hurry--their coupons for Purina sheep chow arrived by special messenger in the midst of all nine planets aligning causing totally unncessary "Alignment Of All 9 Nine Planet" Closures at ethnical food stores around the country.
Meanwhile, back at second-hand prosthetics store, Holy Man jim acquired a portable leg to replace the one his lost in the battle of Armidia in the "War of the Goat Shavers." It had been a quiet couple of weeks in the medical institute for people with no vocal chords but just because there was no noise, it didn't mean that there wasn't any spanky panky. Stretching vocal chords is a tricky process, best implemented by forcing a traffic cone into the victim, err patients, throat and scooping up the piles of goat hair with a wrinkled nun
Boy is that big headgear hard to get in the cone, sometimes you gotta use a specially formed newspaper funnel. Still the nuns struggle...feeding them oreos seems to [give them] super-nunny powers. Rosaries went flying. "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" It was a triumph of modern medicine that the wrinkled nun treatment worked.
Because of this Godzilla refused to work until the union compensated him for his tremendous bananas. Seeing this, King Kong joined Godzilla in his quest, and started up a small market stall in Faversham, Kent and Barbie's favorite asshole, to sell bargain hair replacement therapies. But Barbies asshole just couldn't keep his hands off King Kong, forcing Godzilla to break open a can o' whoop ass.
Meanwhile on Uranus, 3 galactic-hairoids walked into a bar, and were met by three stunning nuns walking bald goats on leashes. The leashes were studded with pure furoniman, the legendary sauve of gods, great it was! A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Captain Kirk pissed on George Lucas' magic hairpiece. George was fit to be tied, but desperately in need of a clean hairpiece he called up the stoned nun shampoo commitee... the line was busy, so for relief he called 0898 hot-hairpiece, who sent a consultant over immediately on hamster-back to tend to his folicular needs.
Unfortunately, the only hairy object to hand was a gaint hairy man-buttock, that had been over used by the shaved goats and godzilla. The nuns and shiny bald sheep rejoiced for victory was truly theirs, except for the three generals of the army of ugly people, who won their battles by frightening the opposition. Strangely, most members of the army looked like that greatest of spacktards - their leader, the Rt. Honourable his Royal Spacktardiousness, Earl Spack of Spacktardia, the grand, almighty, field marshall of spam.
Unfortunately, the spacktard was stampeded by the sheep, Gilberts goat and Barbies asshole. The prognosis is grim, but the doctor prescribed three rectal exams, and found the greatest miracle of all, the superb great and amazing "removing mold from old bread" miracle.
A cold spell will move in from the west, bringing misery to the bald sheep, although spermcounts went through the roof throughout the country. That very morning, the post brought great pain to the guy that accidentally sat on it, thinking it was a pneumatic buns firmer; but it was really a sphincter-expanding torture device, first used by the Germans during Ocktoberfest (where all the drunken mules wore lederhosen and danced gaily in the streets with the stoned nuns - boy, those nuns get around).
Stoning nuns has been declared as a violation of Barbies asshole's personal code of conduct and the Sheep Shearers' Federation International, along with the Congress of Fortune Cookie Populists (who were attempting to insert fortunes in Bratwurst to corner the growing after-dinner sausage market).
When Microsoft integrated after-dinner sausages into WindowsXP-S our stomachs started to crash. Despite the instability, MS won the sausage war, forcing the fortune cookie people to relocate and find a way to battle the evil MS empire on a different front, which was to create a new competitor: MegaHard. Megahard would be the ultimate way to take over the entire market, by up ending MS and also creating a new market this would enable them to crash free fortune-bratwursts.
But Gilberts goat ate the only beta crash free fortune bratwurst... all subsequent bratwursts have required patches. So they dressed the goat up as a giant hairball to sneak it through customs, but they were stopped for transporting a flick knife and short-dated camembert. The search also produced the heroin ballons the nuns had hidden in the goat. This confused the custom officials as they were unclear as to what to list the suspect as: anime-al, vegetabull or skinnable (goat or mule).
Instead, the customs officials just got stoned on heroin and caused a huge traffic jam by pulling seats out of cars and leaving them all over the road... the goat thought this was really funny and knew it was worth cutting the smack with chocomochareastero so he could afford a gold-plated-tin can medallion that says "Pity the Fool!"
Medallions of this type have been seen through history in the War of the Ape Skinners, as well as the Battle of the Flowery Kitchen Cleaners. This Thursday marks the goth celebration of 'Thursday the 13th' in which Jason the barber dressed in a sequin and fake fur Barbie dress and sang 'Bela Lugosi's Dead' as he walked to the corner pub, where nobody really likes him. He used to have quite a few friends there until he started to talk about his ineractions with the dead that were found at his barber shop It turned out he liked to perm the dead people, but he found out that it's not a good idea to do it in the salon during business hours.
Jason the barber also noticed he'd been receiving many many inquiries about wool implants for sheep. Perhaps these sheep could finance his flamboyant species-change operation? He wanted to create an impressive 5-ass goat, important for goat-farting the theme from 'Close Encouters of the Third Kind'.
In the meantime, Osama Bin Laden was planning something evil... an army of unkempt goats, and a spacktard sniffing their butts before sneaking out of an upstairs bedroom window and out into the night. But spacktards tend to be clumsy, and he flopped out the window smack on to a giant mutant thorny pricker bush. "Shit," the bush said, "that hurt," and gave the goat a swift smack in the knackers.
But the goat feeling rather vulnerable of late was wearing his cup. He pranced happily away with the sequined and fake fur Barbie dress. As he pranced away Godzilla and King Kong appeared once again (feeling left out of the story for sometime) and they started making sweet love. They covered Tokyo in a thick gooey layer of monkey spunk, a creamy goodness that sold by the cone, and poisoned every other living creature on the planet (which was nice).
Gilberts goat went around licking all the creamy goodness up, and as it turned out it wasn't really poison after all. Except the poison made everyone itchy, not helped by a severe dock-leaf shortage that led people to start rubbing their rashes with a circular rubbing motion, as recommended by a wino laying in a Paris gutter. The circular motion also encouraged people to get a little to involved and and their spunk to the monkey spunk which lead to the unholy creation of a new creature called the 'Spunktard.'
Spunktards are like retarded spacktards (which itself is quite an accomplishment), except that they have their brains in their asses making them slightly smarter when standing than sitting. And when they sit they ooze all over their chairs. Spunktard ass-ooze was discovered to be a great way of cleaning oil-covered sea birds, which were a result of the large amount of wars and encounters that had been occuring over the last few days between hairless sheep, nuns, barbie assholes, godzilla, VIA chipsets, and Soundblaster Live cards.
he fortune cookie populists, seeing an investment opportunity, began investigating a hair weave 0.11 micron technology (which the reasoning was sound however who the hell really cares about hair weaves anyhomw accept those people whom have bald processor issues?). At the final weigh in at the kangaroo boxing match, a spectator had to be ejected after claiming that Kangaroo spunk was a cause of a genital disease found in blue men and aliens, who just flogged the hair weaves even though they had built-in thermal protection that would slow their brains down if their hair fell out. Of course, gorillas have thremal protection in their scalp, not in their weaves, but the cartel still flooded the market in amazing and unimaganable ways never before seen.
She told me orange sherbert tasted like crap with vodka but tasted good with appleton rum which was suprising news from a nun. She also enjoyed casual sex with men and women, which was even more distrubing than that fact that she was a goat in diguise. Because, yes, while nuns can't have kids they can BE kids. Mary had a little goat - she thought it was quite sick. She threw it up into the air and caught it by its Sony Professional BM-577 Microcassette Portable Recorder (* see end for details), which was nice.
Meanwhile on Planet Bong, the gremlins found themselves in need of munchies, so they went to their leader, 'Emperor Dude I'm Stoked,' and discovered that the scuba diver-style sound effects he had been making for years was due to the fact that his suit was basically a device for getting the biggest bong hit ever. And learning of the Gremlin's plight he offered to help them create their own super-bong, which was originally part of the touring gear of the planet's most popular band, 'The Grateful Apes who Ate Grapes.' But when they hooked up the nozzle clips (originally super-tanker hoses) they realised it was gene matter, and the planet was known from then on as Gene Matter Bong Splatter Alpha, (whose claim to fame was the fact that unlike most planets which are spherical, it was shaped like a clitoris and had the great white falls located at 45-mile intervals, all across the northern continents).
This was the time of the year on the planet when the 6 moons came into alignment and took the appearance of a cheeseburger, which made the gremlins wail and hoot with derision. Luckily, that alignment created an intense beam of light that illuminated 40 trizillion ft. tall interplanetary goats ass that spewed forth a giant bratwurst every fortnight.
This morning, there was a hair in in my bathroom plughole that i swear told me to walk into the middle of the city and....
*
Microcassette System uses ultra-compact easy to obtain, microcassettes for recording and playback convenience
Slide Switch Operation slides into position with one finger and changes the operating mode from Dictate to Stop to Listen to Backspace
Electronic Indexing places an index signal on the tape to easily locate dictation during transcription
Metal Case is designed to withstand rugged use while dictating in or out of office, in the car, or elsewhere
Voice Operated Recording (VOR) With Mic Sensitivity Adjustment activates the recorder only when audible sound is present, conserving the tape and eliminating soundless pauses
Lock Switch locks controls to prevent accidental activation of any function
Dictate Conference Switch enables the unit to record in different situations such as for individual recording or in meetings
Fast Playback Function reduces the time needed to review recordings
Fast Forward Cue allows listening to the tape at high speed to locate specific passages for editing
3-LED Record/Battery Level Indicator verifies when unit is in Record mode and confirms battery strength
3-Digit Tape Counter gives you a visible measure of tape elapsed for rapid access when editing and listening
2 Record/Playback Speeds gives you the option of using a standard microcassette for an extended recording or dictation as long as 2 hours
End of Tape and No-tape Alarms sound an audible alert when the end of the tape is reached or if the user does not have a tape loaded in the unit
Microphone Jack lets you connect an external microphone if desired
Internal Battery Pack Recharging System allows a rechargeable battery to be recharged in the unit
Earphone Jack for private listening with optional earphone
Tape System 4 Track, 2 Channel Monaural Cassette
Frequency Response 300-4000Hz at 2.4cm/sec
300-3000Hz at 1.2cm/sec
Microphone Built-In Electret Condenser
Inputs DC In, 3V; External Microphone
Outputs Earphone Minijack
Speaker Mono: 1" (28mm) dia. x 1
Power Output __mW (at 10% THD)
Power Requirements DC 3V with "AAA" x 2 Batteries
AC 120V 60Hz with optional AC Adaptor
Battery Life Approx __ hrs with Sony alkaline batteries (not incl.)
$249.00
