THE 'VETTE
Remember my Vette? Corvette. Stingray. 454 four barrel, superglide transmission. Mag wheels on to her, tornado tires, dingly balls all around the windshield. Remember? Wavy hand in the side mirror, going all the time like that hey? Remember that one? Little doggie in the back going around all the time. Yep. Yessir I know that couldn't go certainly. I brought that one from Toronto to home, that's 1,800 road miles, let me see, I drove down, well not counting ferry ride, eh, I believe it took me 11 and a half fours I believe. Oh yeah, oh yeah. See she never touched the valleys at all, she only touched the tops of the hills, sort of like a boat going across the lochs, you knows what I'm saying. Oh yeah, cops couldn't ticket what they couldn't see, you know. Yea.
We went through Montreal on the way down. You know that place is a lot like Gander, idden it by? Oh yeah, same t'ing, same t'ing. Cause Gander had three stoplights then, that's why it reminded me so much about it. Yeah, and I figgered to myself it wouldn't matter how many stoplights you had in Montreal, wouldn't make an inch of difference anyway. Yeah. They got the distinct culture see. Oh yeah, see what happens is when they comes to a red light that means BOOT 'ER! That's different, idden it b'y? They comes to a green light, that means STOP - there might be someone coming from a perpendicular direction. Oh yeah, you got to hand it to them, that's different b'y. Yessir, b'y, distinct culture, yeah das the one, yessir, yeah.
There I was, there I was in Gander eh? Now you thinks Gander is right small,eh, but we got, we got the Airport Boulevard. Now we got that name from the French didn't we wah? There it is old man, lordy jumpins must be a mile and a half long, or two miles or something, three miles long. Eh - Boulevard. Almost four lanes, two coming two going, almost all the way. If you keeps your wheels up on the sidewalk you know.
I'm sitting there in me 'Vette, with the two two hundred gallon tanks strapped on to her with the four inch pipe going down into the carburetor so's I can get about 20 or 40 miles out of her. Nothing short of a mainline into the Irving tanks up in Saint John is good enough for her, you know. Fortunately when she gets a good start, she goes like a shot and she drifts on for 50 or 60 miles then eh, that's the best thing about her you know. Oh yeah, sucks back…she's sitting their idling you know and you can hear every time a piston goes down she'd suck down a quart of gas.
Feller pulls up along side me in a motor scooter. You knows the ones that got a engine in 'em about as a spool of thread. I scrapped one one time and put the motor into an electric shaver and blew it in 5 minutes! Buddy pulls up along side me, we're waiting for the light to go eh. As they say in Quebec, eh, when the light is going from yellow to red, it's means it's a ripening. Well the light was ripening on the other side see, we're gonna get the green anytime now see. And I knows that. He's over looking at 'er eh, he right slick, he looks at me old man, he's over looking at 'er eh. Now I gotta keep the windows up you knows I got the pressurized cabin, right? Oh yeah, you roll down the window you'd get sucked out. I gotta keep my windows up eh. He's over looking at 'er and he says to me, he says "tch, tch" and I says right back at 'em I says "tch, tch". Yessir, and he's looking at all the gear I got, altimiter, the flight level indicator, the retractable linear, even got the optional stewardess sitting in the seat along side me, you know. Yeah, he getting right slick and h'off on this and then old man the light, the light goes eh. He straightens up, and I straightens up, and pretty soon I looks over and I couldn't believe it. He's making all kinds of gesticulations - he wants to drag! I couldn't do it to 'em, no I couldn't do it to 'em, me morals wouldn't let me do it to 'em. But then me pride whomped all over me morals and I had to do it to 'em! And buddy, whoo! But I didn't just bury the man right away, I put 'er up to 20 mile an hour, eh. But I mean she don't go UP to 20 mile an hour, not the 'Vette, she goes whomp-20 mile an hour! Like, she don't wander up to 20 mile an hour, you know, she goes 20 MILE AN HOUR - and your skull goes on out ahead of the rest of the flesh that wraps around the headrest back there somewhere, and you becomes five feet long in a linear fashion for about a split second. You knows what I mean, but then you're doing 20 mile an hour and it all becomes okay again, everything relaxes you knows what I'm saying eh. I looks over to see if old cocky was there, he wasn't with me right off but he caught up right quick. Oh I says, 20 mile an hour, he going right frantic now, all kinds of (gesticulations). He wants me to go faster - 40 mile and hour. Gone! I looks over to see if he was there. He caught up right quick. He's not even doing this yet, with his foot, he's not even reaching out to coax her along yet you know. Yes sir, and a little motor scooter. 40 mile an hour that's not bad for a motor scooter sir, no sir. Second set of lights, gunshot off, about 300 yards. Started to ripen up on us, just gone yellow. All right, I says, I knows what you're thinking, you' re thinking I put the gas pedal to the floor aren't ya? No sir, that's not what I done. Cause I got a hole made in the floor. I put the gas pedal 2 feet beyond the floor. I straightened me leg out whatever she could suffer! 289 mile an hour - gone! History! I tell ya how fast I got there - the lights went back to green! I was there before I even thought about getting there! I went back in time! And buddy, gone, gone - he was nowhere to be found.
But then he passed me.
And that's what made me get them deep spiritual thoughts like maybe there's not only just corvettes and motor scooters in this world. But I never had time to get deep into it when he come back at me at the same speed. He passed me a good 50 mile an hour better than me. I'm doing 289 mile and hour and he goes whooomp -right on past me, turns around so far up the road, and comes back at me - whoomp - same speed. Ah look out - I had to move out of the way. He shoots past me again - whoomp - comes back at me again - whoommp! Arrgh! He's nuts! He's gone! His electrical panel is falling out on the floor, the wires is disconnected. He shoots past me again - whooomp - comes at me again - argh look out! He's gone beserk this time. I'm getting out of this! Third set of lights, thanks be to God. I comes on to the brakes - arse end of 'er sticks up in the air. Comes down on a full hub. He goes on straight. The road takes a curve past the third set of lights. He went straight! He cleared a survey line down through the woods. Half a mile down I found him he was nothing but barbecue coals. He burned up re-entering the earth's atmosphere. He was like a charred lump of chicken, a charred lump of chicken talking to me. You know what he said? He said "I didn't want to drag - me suspenders got caught in your sideview mirror!"
