WARNING: Sexism ahead, you have been warned...
The Guide to women
A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.
*MORE WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED*
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want... = You’ll pay for this later.
We need to talk... = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In response to What’s wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot!
A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.
I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.
I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.
I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.
WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.
…
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & after.
…
Over 70 Reasons It's great to be a guy
Reasons why it's great to be a guy
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. You know stuff about tanks.
3. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. Monday Night Football.
5. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
6. You can open all your own jars.
7. Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.
8. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
9. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
10. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
11. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
12. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
13. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
14. Your last name stays put.
15. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
16. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
17. You can kill your own food.
18. The garage is all yours.
19. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
20. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
21. You never have to clean the toilet.
22. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
23. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
24. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
25. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
26. The National College Cheerleading Championship
27. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
28. You don't have to shave below your neck.
29. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
30. Everything on your face stays its original color.
31. Chocolate is just another snack.
32. You can be president.
33. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
34. Flowers fix everything.
35. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
36. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
37. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
38. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
39. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
40. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
41. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
42. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
43. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
44. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
45. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.
46. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
47. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
48. One mood, all the time.
49. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
50. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
51. Same work....more pay.
52. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
53. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
54. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
55. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
56. The remote is yours and yours alone.
57. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
58. ESPN's sports center.
59. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
60. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
61. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
62. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
63. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
64. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
65. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
66. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
67. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
68. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
69. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
70. Baywatch
71. There is always a game on somewhere.
...
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Why do women have smaller feet than men ? So they can stand closer to the sink
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
1) No mind.
2) No business.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"
…
Dating hints for men
Dating hints for gentlemen
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
Now Remember To Be politically correct
How to be politically correct with women
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
Please Note
Men will never truly understand women…never…ever but this may give you just enough insight yo help you in your quest (you know the one to get into their pants)
Have fun
Christ that was long.
