Bad Joke thread v278272.02

Raven

Raven

Annoying SOB
OK people...it's that time again....give us your worst...

I'll start with a couple

Punk:

Two kids are sitting in a park. One says to the other 'Dude, whats punk?'. The first kid ponders this for a while. He then stands up, walks over to a trash can and kicks it over. He then goes back and sits down and simply says 'Thats punk'

The second kid gets up walks over to another trashcan and kicks it over too. He walks back and says 'Am I a punk now?' to which the first kid replies 'No, now you're trendy'.

Nuns:

4 nuns are in a car driving through a rough area of town late at night. They pull up at a set of traffic lights that are on red. While they are waiting, a gang of thugs runs out of a side street and starts laying into the car. The nuns inside are getting increasingly scared so one of the nuns pipes up and says 'Sister Mary, show the little hellions your cross!.

Sister Mary begins to roll down her window, she leans her head out of the window and at the top of her voice screams:

"GET THE FUCK OFF MY CAR"
 
MrBishop

MrBishop

Well-Known Member
A man walks into a library, over to the desk and asks the librarian "Where are the books about Suicide?"
The Librarian directs him to section #6
The man goes there and comes back a few minutes later.
"Excuse me..but I went to section 6 and there weren't any books there at all."

The librarian says, "Yes, I know..they never bring them back." :swing:
 
Raven

Raven

Annoying SOB
Borrowed from a friend, I'm sure BoP would appreciate this one :D

F3ll0wsh1p of teh R1ng
[At Bilbo's 111th Birthday]
Merry: "Omg, I pwn"
Pippin: "Sif, I pwn"
**Rocket goes off
Gandalf: "Pwned!"
Bilbo: "This = shiz, bai foos"
Bilbo has left the server
Frodo: "***!?"
[later, in Bag End]
Gandalf: "Give teh ringz0r to Frodo"
Bilbo: "Sif! It r precious!"
Gandalf: "STFU NOOB!!!"
Bilbo: "ok"
Gandalf has logged on as admin
Bilbo has been kicked from The Shire
**Later
Gandalf: "Show me teh ring, foo!"
**Gandalf rides out, does some research, comes back
Gandalf: "OMGZ, it R teh ring!"
Frodo: "***?"
Gandalf has logged on as admin
Frodo has been kicked from The Shire
Sam has been kicked from The Shire
[At Isengard]
Gandalf: "sup dawg, i r g4nd4lf da gr3y!"
Saruman: "Foo! U R teh noob!"
Gandalf: "***?!"
Saruman: "Sauron pwns joo!"
Gandalf: "Sif, I R leet"
**Sarumon beats the **** out of Gandalf
Saruman: "Pwned!"
[on the road to Bree]
Merry: "look foos, shrooms!"
Pippin: "Woot! Shrooms!"
Frodo: "Ph34r!"
Sam: "Shrooms!"
Frodo: "PH34R!1!1"
**black rider stops, sniffs, goes past
Frodo: "OMG, packetloss!"
[Bree, in the Inn of the Prancing Pony]
**Frodo is drinking and dancing on a table, then slips
Frodo has left the server
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: "OMGz, dc'd"
Aragorn: "OMG, noobz"
[at Weathertop]
Merry: "Mmm, shrooms!"
**MERRY IS BROADCASTING HIS IP ADDRESS!!!
Frodo: "Foos! Ph34r teh haxorz"
**the black riders attack
Merry: "OMG!!!"
Sam: "O.M.G!!!11"
Pippin: "***"
Frodo has left the server
**head nazgul stabs Frodo's ghost
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: "***... hax!"
**Aragorn leaps into the fray with a flaming brand
Aragorn: "PH34r!!!!!!"
Merry: "LOLOL flamed! "
[on the road to Rivendell]
Aragorn: "ZOMG!Arwen!"
**Arwen rides up
Aragorn: "A/S/L? Wanna net secks?"
Arwen: "Sif! *** is up with Frodo?"
Sam: "teh leet Hax0r "
Arwen: "Firewall?"
**Arwen rides off with Frodo, the nazgul give chase. Arwen crosses the ford
at Rivendell.
Arwen: "PH34R!! My dad pwns urs!"
**nazgul start to cross
Arwen: "LOLOLOLO noobs!!1!"
**the ford rises up and washes the nazgul away
Warning: Connection Problems Detected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
Arwen: "Pwnt"
[at the Council of Elrond]
Gimli: "dwarves pwn!"
Legolas: "Sif, Elves pwn!"
Boromir: "OLOLOL noobs, men pwn!"
Elrond: "STFU tards!!1!"
**Frodo puts the ring on the plinth
Gimili: "Sif ring pwns all!"
**Gimli swings his axe at it, which shatters
Elrond: "**sigh, noob"
[Frodo meets up with Bilbo]
Bilbo: "OLOL, me = 10th level thief!"
Frodo: "OMG, u r teh pwn!"
Bilbo: "Do u still have teh ringz0r?"
**Frodo shows Bilbo the One Ring
Bilbo: "OMG u tard, I want to TK you!"
Frodo: "sif!"
Bilbo: "ph34r my mithril"
[The Fellowship leaves Rivendell]
**Gandalf leads the fellowship through the mountains
Legolas: "ZOMG, leet gfx!"
Gimli: "I R dropping frames! FFS"
**There's an avalanche which threatens to knock them off the shelf
Gimli: "Gandalf, teh draw distance is too far!1!!1"
Gandalf: "**Sigh. Moria?"
Gimli votes to change map to Moria
Votes 4 of 4 required
Legolas: "lolol Gimli, time to upgrade!"
[The fellowship approaches the gates of Moria]
Gandalf: "FFS, its too hard! Anyone got a walkthrough?"
**The gates of Mordor open, but the Guardian attacks!
Frodo: "OMG! ph34r!"
Boromir: "GL HF"
Aragorn [broadsword] guardian
Legolas [arrow] guardian
Gandalf: "gg"
[The fellowship enters the mines of Moria]
Gimli: "OMG!!!! PWNED!"
**After travelling some time in the dark the Fellowship come to a chamber
with a large well
Gandalf: "teh bookz0r has some clues!"
**Merry knocks a skeleton in armour down the well
Gandalf: "OMG! noob!"
Merry: "d'oh"
**The fellowship hears the ork drums
Boromir: "***?"
Aragorn: "***?"
Frodo: "..."
Gandalf: "Oh ffs >.<"
**the fellowhip shores up the doors as the orks come
Boromir: "TEAMS FFS!"
Aragorn [broadsword] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
Legolas [arrow] ork
Aragorn [broadsword] ork
Aragorn [broadsword] ork
Boromir [broadsword] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
ork: "OMG! h4x!"
Gimli: "pwned"!
Legolas [arrow] ork
Legolas [arrow] ork
Legolas: "lol!!"
Boromir [broadsword] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
Gimli: "Foos!" Legolas [arrow] ork
ork: "ffs, wallhax!"
**The cavetroll enters the chambers destroying the doors
Gandalf: "Oh ffs!"
Boromir: "Omg, its teh boss!"
Aragorn: "Sif noob, we're not at teh end yet!"
**Cavetroll slams Boromir and Aragorn out of the way, and then skewers Frodo
Sam: "OMG!"
Gandalf: "OMG!"
Aragorn: "omg, pwn!"
**Legolas jumps on the cavetroll and shoots arrows down into its head
Legolas [arrow] cavetroll
Ork: "OMG! PWNED!"
Gimli: "LOLOOLOL! noobs"
**The fellowship then runs through Moria, chased the whole way by a horde of
orks
Boromir: "FFS! Teams, foos!"
**A flaming shadow starts to follow them, and the orks withdraw
Aragorn: "Now THIS is teh boss!"
Gandalf: "OMG!"
**The fellowship take to long flights of stairs that are starting to crumble
and fall. Orks shoot at them with arrows.
Legolas: "LOL, noobs. Chex0r this out!1!"
Legolas [arrow] ork
Legolas [arrow] ork
ork: "AIMBOT!"
ork: "turn it off!"
Legolas: "lolol!"
**The fellowship crosses a bridge, Gandalf stops to confront the balrog
Gandalf: "joo shall not pass!"
Balrog: "***?"
Gandalf: "JOO SHALL NOT PASS!"
Balrog: "Sif, noob"
**Gandalf strikes the bridge with his staff, cracking it and causing it to
break under the Balrog's weight
Balrog: "ZOMG! PWNED!"
Frodo: "OMG! Gandalf!"
**The Balrog falls and in a last act of defiance strikes out with its whip,
entangling Gandalf
Gandalf: "D'oh"
Frodo: "OMG, joo foo!"
Gandalf: "fly u foos, fly!"
**Gandalf lets go and follows the Balrog into the crevass
Gandalf has left the server
Balrog has disconnected
[After escaping Moria the fellowship finds itself in Loth Lorien]
**The fellowship rests, and in the night Frodo speaks with Galadriel
Galadriel: "For a noob, u r teh leet!"
Frodo: "Sif. I don't want teh ringz0r. Do u want teh ringz0r?"
Galadriel: "******! SIF I want teh ringz0r. I have enough h4x of my own!1"
[The fellowship leaves Loth Lorien and sets out via river]
Saurman: "ph34r my army of uruk hai! Go outz0r, find teh hobbitz and pwnz0r
them!"
uruk hai: "leet!"
[stopping at the banks of the river, the Fellowship sets up camp]
**Frodo goes off looking for firewood, Boromir follows and confronts him
Boromir: "Gimmie teh ringz0r so ** hax can fight teh boss!"
Frodo: "Sif, foo. Punkbuster will pwn joo!"
Boromir: "Naw, we play on non-pb servers"
Frodo: "STFU noob"
Frodo has left the server
Boromir: "***! FRODO! Bring teh ringz0r back, faghat!"
**A group of Uruk Hai encounter Boromir
Boromir: "OH FFS, TEAMS!!"
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Boromir: "****ing campers"
**Aragorn comes across the battle
Aragorn: "Boromir joo noob! ***!"
Uruk Hai: "Hah, pwn!"
Aragorn [broadsword] Uruk Hai
Aragorn: "I bring joo teh pwn!"
**Aragorn goes to Boromir
Boromir: "Damn lag!"
Warning: Connection problems detected
Boromir has disconnected
Aragorn: "FFS!"
[Frodo returns to the bank of the river where he gets into a boat. Sam
'sees' him]
Sam: "Frodo! ***! Invisibility h4x!"
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: "Sam, STFU and FOAD!"
Sam: "Sif!"
Frodo: "Oh, ffs n00b!"
3Nd!!!!11
 
tonksy

tonksy

New Member
what's large. green. and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?






a pool table. i love corny jokes :nerd:
 
P

PT

Off 'Motherfuckin' Topic Elite
A man living near the Bronx Zoo wakes up one morning and looks out the window. There, sitting in a tree in his backyard, is a big gorilla. In a panic he looks in the yellow pages for gorilla exterminators and finds one listing. He quickly dials the number, and when a man answers, he shouts, "Please hurry! I have a gorilla in a tree in my backyard!"

When the exterminator pulls up in front of the man's house, the man runs out excitedly, telling him that the gorilla hasn't moved at all. So the exterminator says, "Good. Help me unload the truck."

The exterminator takes out a ladder, a baseball bat, an English bulldog, a large piece of rope, and a shotgun. They take all this stuff around to the side of the house, and just before they round the corner to the backyard, the exterminator stops.

"Okay," he says to the man, "you're going to have to help me with this. Now, I've done this many times before, and there's never been any problem. But you must listen very carefully."

"First, I'm going to go around to the other side of the tree, behind the gorilla, put the ladder against the tree, and climb up. Next I'm going to hit the gorilla with the baseball bat and knock him out of the tree. Now, you will be holding this English bulldog by the leash. When the gorilla hits the ground, you let go of the leash. This English bulldog has been specially trained to do one thing and one thing only. He will run up to the gorilla and bite the gorilla's balls off. This will stun the gorilla, and while he is in this state of shock, you and I will run up with the large piece of rope, tie up the gorilla, and load him into the back of my truck. You got it?"

"Yes," said the man.

"Now, it's very important that we do everything in the proper sequence, so I want you to repeat the entire procedure to me."

"Okay," says the man. "First, you climb up the ladder behind the gorilla, then you hit the gorilla with the baseball bat, knocking him out of the tree. When he hits the ground, I let go of the specially trained English bulldog and he will run up and bite the gorilla's balls off. This will stun the gorilla, and while he is in this state of shock, we run up with the large piece of rope and tie him up. Then we load him into the back of your truck."

"Okay. You got it," says the exterminator. "Let's go."

He is just about to start to move toward the tree when the man says, "Hey, wait a minute! What's the shotgun for?"

"Oh, yeah," says the exterminator, "I almost forgot to tell you. That's the most important part! Now, this is just a precaution -- it has never happened before, but in the event that the gorilla should somehow knock me out of the tree, shoot the dog.
 
markjs

markjs

Banned
Very good PT

I was with one of my friends looking to party one night, and we went to the theatre downtown to find another friend at work. The third friend was busy so we were walking down the street when an ambulance rolls up lights flashing. We walked around a bit and we were just approaching the ambulance again when we saw it driving off. Well as it drove off the door flew open and a container fell out. They shut the door seemingly not noticing the container.

We crept up (it was late and nobody was on the street) carefully looking for witnesses and snached the box. It seems to be a cooler and we were hoping it had good drugs in it, but we took it in the bushes to open it. Inside was a cleanly severed human toe! Needless to say we were bummed about the contents but we decided to call around to the hospital and the fire department and the police, but nobody had any knowlege of this damn toe!

We finally gripped on what to do!















































































We called the toe truck!
 
unclehobart

unclehobart

New Member
A couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me", she asks him.

So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.

"Put two fingers in", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!".

The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud, "Put both your hands inside of me!!!".

So the guy puts both of his hands in!

"Now clap your hands", commands the girl.

"I can't", says the guy.

The girl looks at him and says, "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!"
 
Raven

Raven

Annoying SOB
*edit - AAAAAAAAAAACK!* no goatsies!! - Leslie*

I take no responsibility for people who decide to click that link
 
Raven

Raven

Annoying SOB
It's ok Les its been down for a while now, I was gonna link to geekissues or bash instead :)
 
Leslie

Leslie

Communistrator
Staff member
I'm always afraid that somehow it'll get put back up, and a 'safe' link suddenly becomes one of horror.
 
Gato_Solo

Gato_Solo

Out-freaking-standing OTC member
Leslie said:
I'm always afraid that somehow it'll get put back up, and a 'safe' link suddenly becomes one of horror.
Click to expand...

Ummm...didn't he post a disclaimer under the link? Just to protect the unbeknownst to the dangers of clicking the linkage?
 
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