freako104
Well-Known Member
my mom sent this to me
>
>Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
>
>One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
>
>Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
>
>If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
>apes?
>
>The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
>girls live.
>
>I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
>section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
>
>What if there were no hypothetical questions?
>
>If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there was
>no
>woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
>
>If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
>considered a hostage situation?
>
>Is there another word for synonym?
>
>Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
>
>Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
>
>What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
>plant?
>
>If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
>
>Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
>
>Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
>clean
>them?
>
>If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
>
>Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>
>Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
>
>If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
>remain
>silent?
>
>Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
>
>Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
>
>What was the best thing before sliced bread?
>
>One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
>
>Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
>
>Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>
>How is it possible to have a civil war?
>
>If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
>
>If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
>
>If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
>
>Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
>
>Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
>
>Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
>
>If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a
>planecrash,
>why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
>
>WHY DO THEY PUT AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
>
>Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
>
>One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
>
>Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
>
>If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
>apes?
>
>The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
>girls live.
>
>I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
>section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
>
>What if there were no hypothetical questions?
>
>If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there was
>no
>woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
>
>If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
>considered a hostage situation?
>
>Is there another word for synonym?
>
>Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
>
>Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
>
>What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
>plant?
>
>If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
>
>Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
>
>Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
>clean
>them?
>
>If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
>
>Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>
>Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
>
>If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
>remain
>silent?
>
>Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
>
>Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
>
>What was the best thing before sliced bread?
>
>One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
>
>Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
>
>Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>
>How is it possible to have a civil war?
>
>If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
>
>If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
>
>If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
>
>Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
>
>Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
>
>Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
>
>If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a
>planecrash,
>why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
>
>WHY DO THEY PUT AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
I believe it also has the "pets are small tragedies" bit on it. if not, that one is a must, too. 
to Carlin......