Joke Box

[MrBishop]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A burglar is breaking into a home and as he comes into the living room he hears " God is watching you".

Upon hearing this he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner and says ," What is your name?" .
The bird replies ," Moses".
The burglar laughs and says " What kind of idiot names thier parrot Moses?! "
And the bird replies
.
.
.
.
.
.
" The same idiot who named his Rottweiler - God ." [/FONT]

 

[JTP]

A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City
and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that

he was going to Paris to an International Redneck Festival for two weeks

and needed to borrow $5000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form
of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys
to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of
the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked
out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for
the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good
laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari
as collateral for a $5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove
the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5000 and
the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are
very happy to have had your business, and this transaction
has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While
you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and
found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multi-
millionaire with real estate and financial interest all over
the world. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The good 'ol boy replied, "Can you tell me where else in New York City

can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Oh yeah, his name was Bubba.

 

[Professur]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

[Professur]

Over 10,000 men were surveyed regarding their opinion of being fellated.

The results: 7% liked it for the sensation; 93% liked it for the silence.

 

[Professur]

A man walks out to the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid Traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I just married his f**king Widow

 

[MrBishop]

 

[Professur]

Did you hear about the webmaster who couldn't pay his server fees and had to get a seeing-eye dog? He lost his site.

 

[Professur]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4Y4keqTV6w

 

[Professur]

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their
25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas.

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered,
a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt
became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice,
and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for
'Bambi' to come to Room 217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the
bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it
and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.."

Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in
the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you
think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said,
"I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then
eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind
George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said,

"See what you get for $25?"

 

[Professur]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"

Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl! I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B."

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.

"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?," Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive"

 

[Luis G]

A prepared man is worth twice.

 

[Professur]

Two Priests on Holiday
They were determined to make this a real holiday by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really out rageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" gear.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde who was just wearing nothing but a bikini bottom, came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,"nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored bikini bottom, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning Father ~ Good morning Father,"and started to walkaway.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied,"Father, it's me, Sister Margaret."

 

[Professur]

A scientist from Oxford University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a BBC news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a group of men, who then proceeded to kick the shit out of him.

 

[Professur]

What spice do you find in the driveway?

Car-da-mom.

 

[Professur]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY


Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your




wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?
If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day...


So folks, always remember to wash your hands.

 

[Professur]

John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.

 

[Mirlyn]

A bear walks into a bar and says "I would like a beer ... ", waits 30 seconds, then says "... and a wine cooler."

The bartender says, "OK. But why the big pause?"

The bear says, "I dunno. I've always had them"

 

[Gato_Solo]

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together.
Their three kids,all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday
dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon,
"Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all
together today."

Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced
"You and Mom look great Dad".I just flew in from
Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to
shop for you".

"It's nothing," said the father."We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived.
"Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending
me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have
time to get you anything."

After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something
your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
You see, we were very poor. Despite this,we were able to send
each of you to college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew we
loved each other very much, but we just never found the
time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"