A PC night before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas [the 25th of December during the holiday season], when all through the house [abode, since many in the 99% are too poor to live in a house]
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse [say, Mickey, who is not frightening to children].
The stockings [leg coverings, ‘stockings’ may be an inappropriate visual image to some readers] were hung by the chimney [a safe distance from the chimney, check your local fire code] with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas [Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, Father Christms, Ded Moroz, Hoteiosho, Baba Chaghaloo et al] soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums [sugar-free plums] danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn [equitably shared public parkland] there arose such a clatter [sound that does not violate Noise Abatement Bylaw 324],
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast [chest] of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny [free-range] reindeer
With a little [vertically challenged] old [senior] driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick [see above for multicultural appelations].
More rapid than eagles his coursers [unfairly assumes knowledge of old English, therefore: a fast-running horse-like creature] they came,
And he whistled, and shouted [spoke respectfully], and called them by name!
“Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen [Vivian, as Vixen carries with it negative connotations]!
On, Comet! On, Cupid [Cindy, as Cupid connotes nude babies bearing weapons]! on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now [please] dash away! [Please] Dash away! [Please] Dash away all!”
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers [horse-like creatures] they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys [made from recyclables or renewable resources], and St Nicholas [see above] too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the [green and solar-panel equipped] roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas [see above] came with a bound.
He was dressed all in [fake] fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler [person, peddler is insulting to ultra-small-business retailers], just opening his pack.
His eyes — how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses [carnations, which are thorn-less], his nose like a cherry [as a result of hypoallergenic makeup, as opposed to alcohol or sunburn]!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white [Euro-American] as the snow.
The stump of a pipe [tree] he held tight in his teeth [gloved hand],
And the smoke [greenhouse gas, against which the tree can no longer fight because it was thoughtlessly cut down] it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly [taut rack of abdominal muscles shaped through consistent exercise and proper diet],
That shook [rippled] when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly [steel]!
He was chubby and plump [fit and trim], a right
jolly old [senior] elf [little person],
And I laughed [with him, not about him] when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A [non-harassing] wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings [leg coverings], then turned with a jerk [annoying person, oh wait, ignore that one].
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose [carnation, see above]!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team [partners or colleagues] gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a[n] [organic] thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas [Happy holidays] to all [except those who choose not to be holiday-season positive], and to all a good night!”
National Post
