Aunty Em
Well-Known Member
Below are some food guidelines for those helpless husbands or singletons who have been left to fend for themselves by their spouse or previous carer for various reasons... e.g." It's only a business trip dear, I'll only be gone [insert time here] days/weeks. I've left plenty of food in the fridge/freezer and instructions on the kitchen table." "Get out you two-timing rat!" "You're 35 and we feel it's time you left home - your bags are packed and in the porch."
It Could Be Dangerous if...
Eggs. When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
Dairy Products. Milk is spoiled when it looks like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway, and can't get more spoiled than it already is. Well, it can, but it rarely gets that far. You can always cut off the fur coat it grows.
Meat. If opening the refrigerator causes stray animals to congregate outside your kitchen door, the meat is spoiled.
Lettuce. This is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.
Carrots. A carrot that you can tie in a clove hitch is not fresh.
Chinese Food. If the carton must be cut away to remove the contents, suspect them.
Potatoes. Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense leafy undergrowth.
Canned Goods. Any canned good that has become the shape or size of a basketball should be removed from the premises. Wear a helmet.
Mayonnaise. If eating it makes you violently ill, mayonnaise is spoiled.
Artichokes. Discard these when the points have become as tightly furled as porcupine quills.
Flour. Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
Raisins. These should not be harder than your teeth.
Wine. It should not taste like salad dressing.
Chip Dip. If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
Unidentified Items. Tupperware containers should not burp when opened.
Rule of Thumb. Most food cannot be kept longer than the average lifespan of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
For further advice on subjects including "How does my dishwasher work?", "How does the hoover work?" or "My white shirts have gone pink in the washing machine, how can I fix this?" ring: 0800-don't-call-me. Unless you are making a statement about your sexuality... then ring: 0800-I-am-gay
It Could Be Dangerous if...
Eggs. When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
Dairy Products. Milk is spoiled when it looks like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway, and can't get more spoiled than it already is. Well, it can, but it rarely gets that far. You can always cut off the fur coat it grows.
Meat. If opening the refrigerator causes stray animals to congregate outside your kitchen door, the meat is spoiled.
Lettuce. This is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.
Carrots. A carrot that you can tie in a clove hitch is not fresh.
Chinese Food. If the carton must be cut away to remove the contents, suspect them.
Potatoes. Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense leafy undergrowth.
Canned Goods. Any canned good that has become the shape or size of a basketball should be removed from the premises. Wear a helmet.
Mayonnaise. If eating it makes you violently ill, mayonnaise is spoiled.
Artichokes. Discard these when the points have become as tightly furled as porcupine quills.
Flour. Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
Raisins. These should not be harder than your teeth.
Wine. It should not taste like salad dressing.
Chip Dip. If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
Unidentified Items. Tupperware containers should not burp when opened.
Rule of Thumb. Most food cannot be kept longer than the average lifespan of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
For further advice on subjects including "How does my dishwasher work?", "How does the hoover work?" or "My white shirts have gone pink in the washing machine, how can I fix this?" ring: 0800-don't-call-me. Unless you are making a statement about your sexuality... then ring: 0800-I-am-gay
Damn...that left the fridge kinda empty....
Oh well...Looks like we're having ketchup sandwiches for lunch.... 
