Bored of the Rings...
- Thread starter Altron
- Start date
unclehobart
New Member
That the 1969 Harvard Lampoon version? There are a zillion jokes in that book. I learn 20 more every time I read it.
unclehobart
New Member
ok... good... there are 1000 jokes in there you wont have any clue about because yu wernt part of the era. there are also 100+ euro jokes tossed in as well...
a sample:
Bogie : brit for booger
Roitan: cigar company
Arrowroot: A cooking starch for delicate sauces
Arrowstarch: arrow starch ... an old company that made ironing starch
clean, clean, clean for gene...: In the late 60s, the left wing radicals were all seen as dirty spaced out hippies. Gene McCarthy was runing for president as a liberal. He had a movement of well dressed and immacualte college student followers that had a war cry going: clean clean clean for gene... so that the older generation of liberals wouldn't be scared conservative.
a sample:
Bogie : brit for booger
Roitan: cigar company
Arrowroot: A cooking starch for delicate sauces
Arrowstarch: arrow starch ... an old company that made ironing starch
clean, clean, clean for gene...: In the late 60s, the left wing radicals were all seen as dirty spaced out hippies. Gene McCarthy was runing for president as a liberal. He had a movement of well dressed and immacualte college student followers that had a war cry going: clean clean clean for gene... so that the older generation of liberals wouldn't be scared conservative.
unclehobart
New Member
This ring no other, is made by the elves,
Who'd pawn their own mothers to grab it themselves
Ruler of creeper , mortal, and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
The power almighty rests in this Lone ring.
The power, alrighty, for doing your own thing.
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
If found , send to Sorhed ( the postage is prepaid)
Who'd pawn their own mothers to grab it themselves
Ruler of creeper , mortal, and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
The power almighty rests in this Lone ring.
The power, alrighty, for doing your own thing.
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
If found , send to Sorhed ( the postage is prepaid)
unclehobart
New Member
Gimlet limped over to the two boggies and forced a smile
"Pox vobiscum. May you eat three balanced meals a day and have healthful, regular bowel movements."
"How comes it", said Arrowroot, "that we meet in this strange land ?"
"It is a tale long in the telling", said Pepsi, pulling out a sheaf of notes
"Then save it" said Goodgulf.
"Pox vobiscum. May you eat three balanced meals a day and have healthful, regular bowel movements."
"How comes it", said Arrowroot, "that we meet in this strange land ?"
"It is a tale long in the telling", said Pepsi, pulling out a sheaf of notes
"Then save it" said Goodgulf.
unclehobart
New Member
"Do you like what you doth see...?" said the voluptuous elf-maiden as she provocatively parted the folds of her robe to reveal the rounded, shadowy glories within. Frito's throat was dry, though his head reeled with desire and ale.
She slipped off the flimsy garment and strode toward the fascinated boggie unashamed of her nakedness. She ran a perfect hand along his hairy toes, and he helplessly watched them curl with the fierce insistent wanting of her.
"Let me make thee more comfortable," she whispered hoarsely, fiddling with the clasps of his jerkin, loosening his sword belt with a laugh. "Touch me, oh touch me," she crooned.
Frito's hand, as though of its own will, reached out and traced the delicate swelling of her elf-breast, while the other slowly crept around her tiny, flawless waist, crushing her to his barrel chest.
"Toes, I love hairy toes," she moaned, forcing him down on the silvered carpet. Her tiny pink toes caressed the luxuriant fur of his instep while Frito's nose sought out the warmth of her precious elf-navel.
"But I'm so small and hairy, and...and you're so beautiful," Frito whimpered, slipping clumsily out of his crossed garters.
The elf-maiden said nothing, but only sighed deep in her throat and held him more firmly to her faunlike body. "There is one thing you must do for me first," she whispered into one tufted ear.
"Anything," sobbed Frito, growing frantic with his need. "Anything!"
She closed her eyes and then opened them to the ceiling. "The Ring," she said. "I must have your Ring."
Frito's whole body tensed. "Oh no," he cried, "not that! Anything but...that."
"I must have it," she said both tenderly and fiercely. "I must have the Ring!"
Frito's eyes blurred with tears and confusion. "I can't," he said. "I musn't!"
But he knew resolve was no longer strong in him. Slowly, the elf-maiden's hand inched toward the chain in his vest pocket, closer and closer it came to the Ring Frito had guarded so faithfully...
She slipped off the flimsy garment and strode toward the fascinated boggie unashamed of her nakedness. She ran a perfect hand along his hairy toes, and he helplessly watched them curl with the fierce insistent wanting of her.
"Let me make thee more comfortable," she whispered hoarsely, fiddling with the clasps of his jerkin, loosening his sword belt with a laugh. "Touch me, oh touch me," she crooned.
Frito's hand, as though of its own will, reached out and traced the delicate swelling of her elf-breast, while the other slowly crept around her tiny, flawless waist, crushing her to his barrel chest.
"Toes, I love hairy toes," she moaned, forcing him down on the silvered carpet. Her tiny pink toes caressed the luxuriant fur of his instep while Frito's nose sought out the warmth of her precious elf-navel.
"But I'm so small and hairy, and...and you're so beautiful," Frito whimpered, slipping clumsily out of his crossed garters.
The elf-maiden said nothing, but only sighed deep in her throat and held him more firmly to her faunlike body. "There is one thing you must do for me first," she whispered into one tufted ear.
"Anything," sobbed Frito, growing frantic with his need. "Anything!"
She closed her eyes and then opened them to the ceiling. "The Ring," she said. "I must have your Ring."
Frito's whole body tensed. "Oh no," he cried, "not that! Anything but...that."
"I must have it," she said both tenderly and fiercely. "I must have the Ring!"
Frito's eyes blurred with tears and confusion. "I can't," he said. "I musn't!"
But he knew resolve was no longer strong in him. Slowly, the elf-maiden's hand inched toward the chain in his vest pocket, closer and closer it came to the Ring Frito had guarded so faithfully...
unclehobart
New Member
unclehobart
New Member
It was only in the foreward as a total sidebar that had nothing to do with the story itself. ... just more humor.
unclehobart
New Member
The listeners nodded silently, for this was certainly the case. Even before Dildo's "strange disappearance" he had kept his burrow at Bug End guarded by fierce wolverines, and in no one's memory had he ever contributed a farthing to the Boggietown Annual Mithril Drive for Homeless Banshees. The fact that no one else ever had either did not excuse Dildo's famed stinginess. He kept to himself, nurturing only his nephew and a mania for dirty Scrabble.
"And that boy of his, Frito," added bleary-eyed Nat Clubfoot, "as crazy as a woodpecker, that one is." This was verified by Old Poop of Backwater, among others. For who hadn't seen young Frito, walking aimlessly through the crooked streets of Boggietown, carrying little clumps of flowers and muttering about "truth and beauty" and blurting out silly nonsense like "Cogito ergo boggum?"...
"And that boy of his, Frito," added bleary-eyed Nat Clubfoot, "as crazy as a woodpecker, that one is." This was verified by Old Poop of Backwater, among others. For who hadn't seen young Frito, walking aimlessly through the crooked streets of Boggietown, carrying little clumps of flowers and muttering about "truth and beauty" and blurting out silly nonsense like "Cogito ergo boggum?"...
unclehobart
New Member
..."Sorhed!" cried Frito. "But Sorhed is no more."
"Don't believe everything you hear from the heralds," said Dildo gravely. "It had been thought that Sorhed was forever destroyed at the Battle of Brylopad, but it appears this was just wishful thinking. Actually he and his Nine Nozdrul slipped out of the mopping-up cleverly disguised as a troupe of gypsy acrobatic dancers. Escaping through the Ngaio Marsh, they pushed their way into the suburbs of Fordor, where the property values dropped like a paralyzed falcon. From Fordor they have been renewing their strength ever since."
"His Dark Carbuncle of Doom has swollen and soon will come to a head, covering the face of Lower Middle Earth with his ill humors. If we are to survive, the boil must be soundly lanced before Sorhed begins his own loathsome squeeze play."
"But how can this be done?" said Frito.
"We must keep him from the one thing that can mean victory," said Goodgulf. "We must keep from him the Great Ring!"
"And what is this ring?" said Frito, eyeing the possible exits from the hole.
"Cease thy eyeing of possible exits and I will tell thee," Goodgulf reprimanded the frightened boggie...
"Don't believe everything you hear from the heralds," said Dildo gravely. "It had been thought that Sorhed was forever destroyed at the Battle of Brylopad, but it appears this was just wishful thinking. Actually he and his Nine Nozdrul slipped out of the mopping-up cleverly disguised as a troupe of gypsy acrobatic dancers. Escaping through the Ngaio Marsh, they pushed their way into the suburbs of Fordor, where the property values dropped like a paralyzed falcon. From Fordor they have been renewing their strength ever since."
"His Dark Carbuncle of Doom has swollen and soon will come to a head, covering the face of Lower Middle Earth with his ill humors. If we are to survive, the boil must be soundly lanced before Sorhed begins his own loathsome squeeze play."
"But how can this be done?" said Frito.
"We must keep him from the one thing that can mean victory," said Goodgulf. "We must keep from him the Great Ring!"
"And what is this ring?" said Frito, eyeing the possible exits from the hole.
"Cease thy eyeing of possible exits and I will tell thee," Goodgulf reprimanded the frightened boggie...
unclehobart
New Member
Altron
Well-Known Member
But the crafty riders were not long decieved by Fritos ruse. They spurred their drooling swine to the bridge, intent on recapturing the boogie and his precious ring. But, as Frito saw with surprise, the Black Nine were halted at the foot of the crossing by a figure robed in shining raiment.
"Tool, please" commanded the figure to the startled Riders. The pursuers were again dumbfounded when they were directed to a hastily letter sign tacked to a support:
Elfboro Municipal Toll Bridge
Single Wayfarers......1 farthing
Double-axled Haywains.....2 farthings
Black Riders..........................45 gold pieces
"Tool, please" commanded the figure to the startled Riders. The pursuers were again dumbfounded when they were directed to a hastily letter sign tacked to a support:
Elfboro Municipal Toll Bridge
Single Wayfarers......1 farthing
Double-axled Haywains.....2 farthings
Black Riders..........................45 gold pieces