Bored of the Rings...

...The night was as clear as an elfstone, sparkling with starpoints, as Frito gathered his party in the pasture outside the town. In addition to Spam, were the twin brothers Moxie and Pepsi Dingleberry, both of whom were noisome and easily expendable. They were frisking happily in the meadow. Frito called them to attention, wondering vaguely why Goodgulf had saddled him with two tail-wagging idiots that no one in the town could trust with a burnt-out match.

"Let's go, let's go!" cried Moxie.

"Yes, let's," added Pepsi, who promptly took one step, fell directly on his flat head, and managed to bloody his nose.

"Icky!" laughed Moxie.

"Double icky!" wailed Pepsi.

Frito rolled his eyes heavenward. It was going to be a long epic...
 
unclehobart said:
bored.jpg
original cover
Click to expand...

My uncle has that, I would assume original 1969
Mine is 1993
 
...Suddenly, a brightly colored figure burst through the foliage, swathed in a long mantle of hair the consistency of much-chewed Turkish taffy. It was something like a man, but not much; it stood six feet tall, but could not have weighed more than thirty-five pounds, dirt included. Standing with his long arms dangling almost to the ground, the singer's body was covered with a pattern of startling hues, ranging from schizoid red to psychopathique azure. Around his pipestem neck hung a dozen strands of beaded charms and from the center, an amulet imprinted with the elf-rune Kelvinator. Through the oily snaggles of hair stared two huge eyeballs that bulged from their sockets, so bloodshot that they appeared more like two baseballs of very lean bacon.

"Ooooooooooh, wow!" said the creature, assaying the situation quickly. Then half loping, half rolling to the foot of the murderous tree, he sat on his meatless haunches and peered at it with his colorless, saucerlike irises; he chanted an incantation that sounded to Frito like a hacking cough:

"Oh uncool bush! Unloose this passle
Of furry cats that you hassle!
Tho' by speed my brain's destroyed,
I'm not half this paranoid!
So cease this bummer, down the freak-out,
Let caps and joints cause brains to leak out!
These cats are groovy here among us,
So leave 'em be, you up-tight fungus!"

Thus speaking, the withered apparition raised his spidery hand in a two-fingered "V" sign and uttered an eldritch spell:

"Tim, Tim Benzedrine!
Hash! Boo! Valvoline!
Clean! Clean! Clean for Gene!
First, second, neutral, park,
Hie thee hence, you leafy narc!

The towering plant shivered and the coils fell from its victims like yesterday's macaroni, and they sprang free with joyful yelps. As they watched with fascination, the great green menace whimpered like a nursling and sucked its own pistils with ill tmeper. The boggies retrieved their garments, and Frito sighed with relief to find the Ring still firmly Bostiched to his pocket...
 
...Tim, now a rather handsome six-foot carrot, laughed loudly and changed into a coiled parking meter. Frito, dizzy as a great wave of oatmeal flowed through his brain, grew heedless of the puddle of drool collecting in his lap. There was a noiseless explosion between his ears and he watched with terror as the room began stretching and pulsating like Silly Putty in heat. Frito's ears began to grow and his arms changed into badminton rackets. The floor developed holes out of which poured fanged peanut brittle. A score of polka-dotted cockroaches danced a buck and wing on his stomach. A Swiss cheese waltzed him twice around the room, and his nose fell off. Frito opened his mouth to speak and a flock of flying earthworms escaped. His gall bladder sang an aria and did a little tap dance on his appendix. He began to lose consciousness, but before it ebbed completely, he heard a six-foot waffle iron giggle, "If yoo dig it now, jes' wade till th' rush hits you!"...
 
...The village of Whee had some six dozen small houses, most of them built of wax paper and discarded corks. they were arranged in a sort of circle inside the protecting moat, whose stench alone could drop a dragon at a hundred paces.
Pinching their nostrils, the company crossed the creaky drawbridge and read the sign at the gate:

WELCOME TO QUAINT, HISTORICAL WHEE
POPULATION 1004 828 96 AND STILL GROWING

Two sleepy-eyed guards bestirred themselves just long enough to relieve the protesting Spam of his remaining tablespoons. Frito surrendered half of his magic beans, which the guards munched with speculation.
The boggies beat it before they took effect and, per Goodgulf's instructions, headed for the orange-and-green flashing sign at the center of town. There they found a gaudy plexiglas and chrome inn, whose blinking sign portrayed a boar, rampant, devoured by a mouth, drooling. Beneath it was the name of the inn, the Goode Eats & Lodging. Passing through the revolving door, the party signaled the bell clerk, whose nametag read Hi! I'm Hojo Hominigritts!. Like the rest of the staff, he was costumed as a suckling pig with false sow's ears, tail, and papier-mache' snout.

"Howdy!" drawled the fat boggie. "Ya'll want a room?"

"Yes," said Frito, stealing a glance at his companions. "We're just in town for a little vacation, aren't we, boys?"

"Vacation," said Moxie, winking at Frito broadly.

"Just a little vacation," added Pepsi, nodding his head like an idiot.

"Ya'll sign here please?" said the clerk through his fake snout. Frito took the quill chained to the desk and wrote the names ALIAS UNDERCOVER, IVAN GOTTASECRET, JOHN DOE-SMITH, AND IMA PSEUDONYM.

"Any bags, Mr., uh, Undercover?"

"Only under my eyes," mumbled Frito, turning toward the dining room.

"Wal," chuckled the clerk, "just leave these here sacks an' I'll ring a bell hop.

"Fine," said Frito, hurrying away.

"Now y'all have a good time now," the clerk called after them, "an' if y'all want anything, just ring!"

Out of earshot, Frito turned worriedly to Spam.

"You don't think he knows anything," he whispered, "do you?"

"Naw, Master Frito," said Spam, massaging his stomach. "Let's grab some grub!"...
 
lol that should convince you all to bo out and buy Bored of the Rings (or find a link to unc's website and pprint your own Bored of the Rings)
 
...Stomper and the other boggies ran to Frito, extending their congratulations on his escape. They then drew close to the mysterious figure, who approached and, espying Stomper among them, raised his hands in greeting and sang:

"O NASA O UCLA! O Etaion Shrdlu!
O Escrow Beryllium! Pandit J. Nehru!"

Stomper raised his hands and answered, ""Shantih Billerica!" They met and embraced, exchanging words of friendship and giving the secret handshake.

The boggies studied the stranger with interest. He introduced himself as Garfinkel of the elves. When he had shed himself of his robes, the boggies regarded with curiousity his ring-encrusted hands, his open-collared Ban-Lon tunic, and his silver beach clogs.

"Thought you would have been here days ago," said the balding elf. "Any trouble along the way?"

"I could write a book," said Frito prophetically.

"Well," said Garfinkel, "we'd better make tracks before those B-movie heavies return. They may be stupid, but they sure can be persistent."

"So new?" muttered Frito, who found himself muttering more and more lately.

The elf looked doubtfully at the boggies. "You guys know how to ride?" Without waiting for an answer he whistled loudly through his gold teeth. A clump of high sedge rustled and several overweight merino sheep bounded into view, bleating irritably.

"Mount up," said Garfinkel.

Frito, more or less athwart an unpromising ungulant, rode last in the procession away from the Gallowine toward Riv'n'dell. He slipped his hand into his pocket, found the Ring, and took it out in the fading light. Already it was beginning to work it's slow change upon him, the transformation of which Dildo had warned. He was constipated...
 
unclehobart said:
Frito, more or less athwart an unpromising ungulant, rode last in the procession away from the Gallowine toward Riv'n'dell. He slipped his hand into his pocket, found the Ring, and took it out in the fading light. Already it was beginning to work it's slow change upon him, the transformation of which Dildo had warned. He was constipated...
Click to expand...

Where have I read that before...

Altron said:
He slipped his hand into his pocket, found the ring, and took it out in the fading light. Already It was beginning to work its slow change upon him, the transformation of which Dildo had warned. He was constipated.
Click to expand...

:confbang:
 
I thought 1993 was the "new" copy, but the one in your pic is the
"new" copy so what's mine (I have the one in the pic with the person holding it in front of a monitor, that's me :))
 
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