Cat Joke

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband
and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated
each time they made love for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it
was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing,and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find work.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed 30 years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $3 million. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her
savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his
voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would
have given you all my business!"


THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM!
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.....
 
**GROSS JOKE WARNING**


Two nuns, Sister Sarah and Sister Ruth, are walking along some old railroad tracks outside Biloxi, Mississippi in the middle of the July heatwave. Sister Ruth says, "Sister Sarah, it's awfully hot today and we're wearing these black habits. Could we at least take off these hats under this relentless sun?

Sister Sarah replies, "Have faith, Sister Ruth. We will soon get to a town, and we may rest then."

An hour later, they come to a tiny, dirt poor little town and begin walking down the dusty main "street". Sister Ruth says, "Sister Sarah, I am so very overheated today. Could we take these hats off now, and maybe sit in the shade of a tree?"

Sister Sarah replies, "Now now, Sister Ruth, you must show discipline. We will soon be taken into the home of one of these good people, and then we can rest."

Eventually they reach the far end of town, where the houses are even more ramshackle than before. They see a rather large woman sitting on her porch in a sundress, wearing no underwear, and eating watermelon.

"Sister Sarah, that woman looks like she has found a way to best this interminable heat. Maybe we should see if we could join her."

Ssiter Sarah agrees, and they approach the woman.

"Hello," says Sister Ruth. "We noticed that you are sitting in the shade of your porch, away from the sun's heat. You are wearing a light sundress. You don't have any panties on. You are eating ice cold watermelon. Tell me, are you feeling any cooler than we are?"

The woman looks up, spits a seed into the weed-choked yard, raises her dress, and answers. "I don't know how cool I am, but this keeps the flies off'n my watermelon."
 
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........
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>"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
 
Airplanes vs. Women

Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:

1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.

2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

8) Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.

10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.

14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women,
it's usually not good.
 
After Susan gave birth to a baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside. "I have something I must tell you about your baby."

Alarmed, Susan demanded: "What's wrong?"

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?"

"It means your baby has both male and female parts."

"Oh my Gosh that's wonderful!" Susan exclaimed. "You mean it has a penis and a brain?"
 
An Old farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on the door and a very pretty young lady dressed in a sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked "would you like to buy some peaches?"



She pulled the top of the negligee to one side, showing her right breast, and asked, "are they as firm as this?"



He nodded his head and said, "yes" and a little tear ran from his eye.



Then she pulled the other side of her negligee to one side, asking "are they nice and pink like this?"


The farmer said "yes" and another tear came from the other eye.


The lady then opened the bottom of her negligee and asked, "are they as fuzzy as this?"



He again said "yes" and broke down crying.



The lady said "what in the world is wrong with you?"



Drying his eyes he said, "the drought got my corn, the flood got my cotton, and now I'm about to get screwed out of my peaches."
 
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY

GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?





The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question,

"When you die and go to Heaven.. which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said,

"Sister, I think it's your legs."



The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little
Johnny, why do you think it would be

your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,
"Oh God, I'm coming!"

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!!!"

A memorial service for the Nun will be held next Tuesday.
 
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old
son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who
want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop!
And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train,
cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son , "We don't use that
kind of language in this house."
"Now, I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train,
but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, her son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take
all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today
and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy
continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand
luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope
you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who
are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints
to the FAT BITCH in the kitchen!!
 
Headlines from the year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States' crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
 
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee."
 
Mexican Earthquake


A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start
with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except for France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America....
 
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan


What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
 
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