MrBishop
Well-Known Member
Top 100 Facts for Chuck Norris
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1. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
2. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck
Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
3. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name
into concrete.
4. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
5. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
6. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
7. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was
replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save
the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
8. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
9. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
10. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
11. Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm
escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
12. If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean
Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
13. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
14. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the
courage to tell him.
15. Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
16. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
17. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
18. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating
pain, the cobra died.
19. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the
possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
20. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
21. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
22. Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when
they touch his body.
23. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. 510 7.712
24. Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck
Norris will not take shit from anyone.
25. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.
26. Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
27. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
28. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many
seconds you have left to live.
29. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
30. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken
but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
31. Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not
grow on steel.
32. Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and
wins.
33. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
34. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris
35. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
36. Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month.
They bleed for a week as a result.
37. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
38. Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than
Death can process them.
39. Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the
back of the face.
40. The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that
Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
41. Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
42. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a fucking Indian.
43. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
44. Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never
fucks up.
45. A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the
park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing
the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better
nuts than that.
46. Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In
retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
47. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I
mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
48. Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
49. Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever
asks him for his ID.
50. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
51. Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw
Brett Favre even further.
52. Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
53. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
54. Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And
then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
55. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck
Norris' roundhouse kick.
56. Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
57. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
58 .When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not
even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
59. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just
entered a world with Chuck Norris.
60. Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
61. Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the
people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck
Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
62. The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.
63. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
64. if you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
65. Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble
Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
66. Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for
Chuck Norris.
67. Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the
Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
68. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs
to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
69. Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
70. Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
71. It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a
wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
72. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
73. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
74. The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in
"Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck
Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
75. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has
been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
366 7.066
76. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
77. When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
78. When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines.
79. The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't
real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
80. Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just
walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.
81. Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles
to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of
Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the
way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one
simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
82. Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the
eye.
83. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
84. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
85. The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
86. The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris.
This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
87. One pound of Chuck Norris is heavier than ten pounds of everything else
88. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
89. Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces
of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
90. The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
91. Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".
92. Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
93. Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
94. Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was
following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
95. Chuck Norris is harmful to radiation.
96. When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not
permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for
your life.
97. It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
98. The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits
to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who
have already had sex with Chuck Norris.
99. When Chuck Norris' wallet feels the strain of rising gas prices Chuck
Norris pisses in his own gas tank. He gets better mileage, and the car seems to like it also.
100. We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic
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1. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
2. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck
Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
3. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name
into concrete.
4. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
5. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
6. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
7. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was
replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save
the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
8. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
9. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
10. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
11. Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm
escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
12. If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean
Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
13. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
14. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the
courage to tell him.
15. Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
16. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
17. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
18. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating
pain, the cobra died.
19. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the
possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
20. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
21. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
22. Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when
they touch his body.
23. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. 510 7.712
24. Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck
Norris will not take shit from anyone.
25. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.
26. Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
27. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
28. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many
seconds you have left to live.
29. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
30. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken
but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
31. Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not
grow on steel.
32. Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and
wins.
33. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
34. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris
35. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
36. Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month.
They bleed for a week as a result.
37. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
38. Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than
Death can process them.
39. Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the
back of the face.
40. The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that
Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
41. Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
42. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a fucking Indian.
43. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
44. Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never
fucks up.
45. A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the
park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing
the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better
nuts than that.
46. Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In
retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
47. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I
mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
48. Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
49. Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever
asks him for his ID.
50. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
51. Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw
Brett Favre even further.
52. Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
53. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
54. Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And
then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
55. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck
Norris' roundhouse kick.
56. Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
57. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
58 .When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not
even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
59. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just
entered a world with Chuck Norris.
60. Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
61. Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the
people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck
Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
62. The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.
63. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
64. if you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
65. Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble
Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
66. Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for
Chuck Norris.
67. Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the
Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
68. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs
to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
69. Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
70. Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
71. It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a
wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
72. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
73. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
74. The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in
"Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck
Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
75. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has
been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
366 7.066
76. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
77. When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
78. When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines.
79. The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't
real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
80. Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just
walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.
81. Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles
to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of
Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the
way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one
simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
82. Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the
eye.
83. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
84. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
85. The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
86. The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris.
This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
87. One pound of Chuck Norris is heavier than ten pounds of everything else
88. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
89. Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces
of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
90. The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
91. Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".
92. Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
93. Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
94. Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was
following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
95. Chuck Norris is harmful to radiation.
96. When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not
permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for
your life.
97. It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
98. The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits
to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who
have already had sex with Chuck Norris.
99. When Chuck Norris' wallet feels the strain of rising gas prices Chuck
Norris pisses in his own gas tank. He gets better mileage, and the car seems to like it also.
100. We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic
