Cleaning out the inbox

Sharky

Sharky

New Member
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He
took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the
pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror
and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he
tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to
catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and
today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off
with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her
back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
 
Subject: FIRST & SECOND PLACE????



A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep,

the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells

the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles

and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says. That

night a few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins

snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable

to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet

and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully

around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops

snoring! The woman is amazed! Later that night, her

husband returns home drunk, from being out drinking

with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and

begins snoring loudly The woman thinks maybe the

ribbon trick might work on him. So she goes to the

closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it

around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also

works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. He wakes from

his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As

he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the

mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his

privates. He is very confused and as he walks back

into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to

his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at

the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or,

what we did, but, by God, we took first and second

place!"
 
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going
to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
_______________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says
as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors
would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart.
_______________________
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
______________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking,sensitive man?
A: A rumor
__________________
AND THE BEST ONE YET...
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton


(Har-dee-freakin-har-har - Sharky)
 
True Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells,
"My wife's going to have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her
underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be,"
remorsefully replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told
a wife that her husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada


I was performing a complete physical, including the
visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty
feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
Now your left." Again, a flawless read. Now both,"
I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the
large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that
he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing
there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing
too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA


During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. Which one?"
I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a
new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered
Why, not for about twenty years
-- when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR


I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"
the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI


And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite
embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover
his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this
exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were
whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name
 
Sharky said:
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
Click to expand...
My uncle once got out of a ticket for speeding downhill by telling the cop he was speeding because of "gravity."

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
Click to expand...

He must have been on the football team. They can beat up just about anyone on the field, but the team's academic reputation leaves a lot to be desired.
 
Inkara1 said:
My uncle once got out of a ticket for speeding downhill by telling the cop he was speeding because of "gravity."
Click to expand...

Hehe - "Gravity happens, officer." :D

He must have been on the football team. They can beat up just about anyone on the field, but the team's academic reputation leaves a lot to be desired.
Click to expand...

:nerd:
 
More stupid stuff from my inbox

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
 
The husband had just finished his book "Man of the House". He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director".
 
What a man needs to do to impress a woman:

* Wine her,

* Dine her,

* Call her,

* Hug her,

* Support her,

* Hold her,

* Surprise her,

* Compliment her,

* Smile at her,

* Listen to her,

* Laugh with her,

* Cry with her,

* Romance her,

* Encourage her,

* Believe in her,

* Pray with her,

* Pray for her,

* Cuddle with her,

* Shop with her,

* Give her jewelry,

* Buy her flowers,

* Hold her hand,

* Write love letters to her,

* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.



What a woman needs to do to impress a man:

* Show up naked ... Bring chicken wings ... Don't block the TV
 
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