I wrote this a while ago when I thought I might be getting less passive. I keep it in case ...well...just in case.
I’m sorry if you find yourself reading this. These are just the waxxy drippings
of a melted mind...the fruits of extended solitude...too much coffee...too many
cigarettes...too little hope...too much time to think about it...and a total
lack of passion.
Its a strange state of existance that I’ve reached. I seem to have outlived any
usefullness that I may once have had. It happened a while ago...a long while
ago. Its like I was set adrift on a makeshift raft, its shabby construction
threatening to come apart at my slightest move, with no paddle or control of
direction.
Early on, it seemed easy enough to jump to the shore again...back to reality.
But my shoes would’ve gotten wet, and I had found a strange peace and security
in the solitude. I did what I could to make myself comfortable and enjoy it.
Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn’t. Occasionally, lonliness would make me
look to the shoreline and wish there was someone there calling me back. There
never was though. And the shoreline just kept becoming more and more distant...
Somewhere along the way, time started playing tricks with my head...warping on
me...Minutes would last for hours. Hours would last forever. Days would all run
together...But months and years would disappear as though I had just skipped
over them. They would just...evaporate.
Before long, I had lost sight of the shore entirely. Now, its just me, alone, on
this tiny patch of sanctuary, adrift on an endless sea of despair. And my only
recreation, now, is to sit at the edge of my world and dangle my feet in those
waters. I seem to spend far too much time doing that. I hate it, but its all I
have.
I have no idea how far it is from here to the shore...to reality...or even what
direction that would be. My solitude is almost complete. Except for those voices
in my head.....those increasingly random thoughts. Sometimes, they seem to be a
caring friend. Sometimes, they don’t. Sometimes, they tell me to just slip into
the dark waters and rest on the bottom. They say there is peace there.
Its hard to argue with that logic. I can see the truth in it.