Depression

HeXp£Øi±

Well-Known Member
Anyone else suffer from depression? I have it but it's from years of abusing my body with chemicals. I really try hard to face each day with a positive outlook or things can go downhill for me fast. I tried taking medication for it once but it's to much of a pain in the ass so i do without. Funny how i used to eat dozens of pills a day every day and now my doctor can't even talk me into taking one a day.
 
I have a bad case of it...I'm "passive suicidal" which means I don't care whether I wake up the next day or not...Sometime I hope I don't....Never found the pills to be very helpful.
 
I think all of us that were somewhat heavy drug users at one time face depression now. I don't know if it's the chemical imbalance or just the fact that we wasted so many years of our lives being high all the time. I don't take anything for depression, but I do take Lithium every day for Bipolar Disorder. It's closely related to depression, however I go both ways, up or down, without much provocation either way. It was quite a relief to my family and myself when I finally found a psychiatrist that diagnosed me correctly and knew what to do about it. As long as I'm taking the lithium, I can at least control the mood swings. The feelings still come, but not as strong as before where I could be literally laughing one minute and crying my eyes out the next.
 
Did you know that Lithium is a type of sodium? I was on that same rollercoaster but it has tapered off over the years(not bipolar though). I know quite a few people with the same diagnosis though. A friend of mine takes 12 different medications one of which is lithium and the others are like horse tranquilizers and the like. I look at him and consider myself pretty lucky. I do remember those mood swings though. I could make women on pms look like amatures.
 
Yes, I've learned quite a bit about it actually. The doc says that someday it may not work as well as it does now, so I may have to switch to something else, or see about doing without again. But yep, PMS is amateur stuff on the right day. The hard part about it was when I first started taking it, I'd take it for a week or two, and start feeling real good, so I'd quit for a couple days, it's hard to notice yourself how much it really does help.
 
bipolar sucks. :grumpy:
had it bad in my teens and early 20's. my poor parents didn't know what to do with me. that and heavily self medicating, mostly with etoh, didn't help much either. still get the mood swings but they are only a minute fraction of what they used to be. either that or i'm really used to them.
 
I've suffered from severe depression several times in my life due to anxiety neurosis and come very close to suicide on occassion. At the moment I have a constant low level depression caused by the stress and anxiety of living with a child with a life threatening condition. I no longer take drugs, they don't help just mask the problem. I have great difficulty dealing with additional stress even though I've had councilling. When my daughter dies I will probably suicide - I don't want to be old and lonely.
 
No counseling in the world can deal with the stress of a loved one who is suffering. The only thing in the world that can help us to deal with the pain of life are relationships with other people. 'Normal' healthy people survive through trama by falling back on the love and caring of the people surrounding them. This is another difficult one for me as well because i've spent most of my life pushing people away. I'm sorry to hear that you're in such a painful situation Aunty Em. I hope that you may find a reason to push on beyond any pain that might come your way. You don't have to die alone, there are many people out there that will love you but finding them is the hard part. It requires seeking them out.
 
I wrote this a while ago when I thought I might be getting less passive. I keep it in case ...well...just in case.


I’m sorry if you find yourself reading this. These are just the waxxy drippings
of a melted mind...the fruits of extended solitude...too much coffee...too many
cigarettes...too little hope...too much time to think about it...and a total
lack of passion.

Its a strange state of existance that I’ve reached. I seem to have outlived any
usefullness that I may once have had. It happened a while ago...a long while
ago. Its like I was set adrift on a makeshift raft, its shabby construction
threatening to come apart at my slightest move, with no paddle or control of
direction.

Early on, it seemed easy enough to jump to the shore again...back to reality.
But my shoes would’ve gotten wet, and I had found a strange peace and security
in the solitude. I did what I could to make myself comfortable and enjoy it.
Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn’t. Occasionally, lonliness would make me
look to the shoreline and wish there was someone there calling me back. There
never was though. And the shoreline just kept becoming more and more distant...

Somewhere along the way, time started playing tricks with my head...warping on
me...Minutes would last for hours. Hours would last forever. Days would all run
together...But months and years would disappear as though I had just skipped
over them. They would just...evaporate.

Before long, I had lost sight of the shore entirely. Now, its just me, alone, on
this tiny patch of sanctuary, adrift on an endless sea of despair. And my only
recreation, now, is to sit at the edge of my world and dangle my feet in those
waters. I seem to spend far too much time doing that. I hate it, but its all I
have.

I have no idea how far it is from here to the shore...to reality...or even what
direction that would be. My solitude is almost complete. Except for those voices
in my head.....those increasingly random thoughts. Sometimes, they seem to be a
caring friend. Sometimes, they don’t. Sometimes, they tell me to just slip into
the dark waters and rest on the bottom. They say there is peace there.

Its hard to argue with that logic. I can see the truth in it.
 
Most of my close relationships with other people have just caused me pain.

"Normal" people usually have mothers who love them unconditionally and tell them so, who hugged and kissed them as children and comforted them when they were afraid or hurt. They don't turn round to you when you're 10 or 11 and say how much they hate you and wish you'd never been born. My dad was the one who loved me unconditonally and I was devastated when he died 12 years ago and I suppose I still am - although I can actually talk about him now which I couldn't do before. The only thing that kept me here was my daughter - I just don't see anything beyond her.

I try very hard to be positive - I know to outsiders I project a positive image. Most of the time I don't talk about how I feel because I don't want to keep going over the same old ground it just makes me feel more depressed and nobody want's to hear it anyway.

I know how badly depressed I was when my father died and I suspect I will be much worse when my daughter dies. I don't see suicide as a negative act, I see it as a positive choice, a simple way of ending an unsatisfactory situation. And being an ex-nurse I won't make a mistake.
 
Depression? Hm, I guess I'm lucky. In my 19 years, I've never suffered from depression or any kind of psychological disorder. I've never taken any medical drugs for psychological reasons, and the last painkillers I've taken before the wisdom teeth were a many years ago. I've also never taken any "pleasure drugs" such as alcohol, tobacco, weed, or any of that stuff. I'm probably a very boring person in that respect.. :shrug: But at this point I've got a very healthy outlook on life and I'm not at all depressed. ;)

And, I'd like to thank my family and friends for keeping me that way. :)
 
Aunty Em said:
Most of my close relationships with other people have just caused me pain.

"Normal" people usually have mothers who love them unconditionally and tell them so, who hugged and kissed them as children and comforted them when they were afraid or hurt. They don't turn round to you when you're 10 or 11 and say how much they hate you and wish you'd never been born. My dad was the one who loved me unconditonally and I was devastated when he died 12 years ago and I suppose I still am - although I can actually talk about him now which I couldn't do before. The only thing that kept me here was my daughter - I just don't see anything beyond her.

I try very hard to be positive - I know to outsiders I project a positive image. Most of the time I don't talk about how I feel because I don't want to keep going over the same old ground it just makes me feel more depressed and nobody want's to hear it anyway.

I know how badly depressed I was when my father died and I suspect I will be much worse when my daughter dies. I don't see suicide as a negative act, I see it as a positive choice, a simple way of ending an unsatisfactory situation. And being an ex-nurse I won't make a mistake.

One might argue that the entore course of action is a mistake. And you can't undo that one.

It's a great big old world out there, Aunty Em. If you take the time to look hard enough, I'll bet you can find at least one or two good reasons to stick around.
 
I get depressed all the time. The main cause of it is external rather than internal.
 
HomeLAN said:
One might argue that the entore course of action is a mistake. And you can't undo that one.

It's a great big old world out there, Aunty Em. If you take the time to look hard enough, I'll bet you can find at least one or two good reasons to stick around.

Well I'm feeling a lot more upbeat today - maybe I just needed to get that off my chest for a while. At this point in time I'm trying to build myself a future, but when you're very depressed you just can't think that way. What you think is reasonable and logical is totally screwed. I'm trying to find ways to deal with that because I know I can't rely on my family for help, especially my mother. At this point I'm not sure about my friends mainly because I've pushed everybody away because I can't deal with their emotional demands as well as my daughters or my own. But yeah, I do need to get out more, I spend far too much time alone. I would call me a bit of a recluse.
 
Aunty Em said:
At this point I'm not sure about my friends mainly because I've pushed everybody away because I can't deal with their emotional demands as well as my daughters or my own.

We're your friends!
We like you, we don't want to push you away!
:D
 
yea. i have slight depression. i have gotten therapy for it but it didnt do too much. its not as severe as some others who have depression(a friend of mine comes to mind although there are other friends of mine who are also). i got mine from two places i can think of. well actully 3. the first two are: my best friend in 1st grade drowned. i never really got over it. i always missed him even at my HS graduation i thought about what hes missing down here. the second was being molested by a neighbour. the third is my ADD. auntie em, were all here for ya well always be supportive to you when you need us. as Altron said we wont push you away. that goes for everyone on here we should all support each otehr as best we can. thanks everyone.
 
Back
Top