Dyfunctional family saga # blah, blah, blah...

[Aunty Em]

I have come to the conclusion that my 17 yo neice Kayleigh is a right little madam and a shit stirrer and I can see why my sister chucked her out of the house. She had to go and live in the homeless unit - which is actually a warden controlled block of bedsits and one bedroom flats, where she would have to stay until she's 18 and old enough to be given her own tenancy, and that was where she was living when my sister died.

Anyway, she persuaded my other neice Rachel to let her come back and live in the house at Stockwell Street as she didn't like living in the homeless unit. In the meantime Rachel has been given succession on the tenancy from the Council, but they told her she would not be able to keep the 4 bedroomed house as it is underoccupied and they would rehouse her and my youngest neice Sophie in a 2 bedroom property. However, after a big arguement caused mainly because everybody was leaving all the housework to Rachel, Sophie decided she didn't want to live with Rachel but prefered to live with Kayleigh, which obviously pleased Kayliegh.

Kayliegh has got this idea that she's more intelligent than everybody else and we can't see what she's up to. She obviously thought that being responsible for her sister would give her a foot up the ladder, well she's just come down with a BIG bump. The council are now going to house Rachel on her own and Kayliegh AND Sophie will now have to go back to the homeless unit until Kayliegh is 18.

As you can imagine she isn't happy and I'm stuck in the middle trying not to fall out with either party. What she can't seem to get through her stubborn, pig-headed skull is that the world does not revolve around her and the council isn't going to break the law just for her. What a mess.

 

[PT]

Man, that does sound like a mess. I remember when I used to think the world revolved around me. Was a dissapointing day indeed.

 

[Aunty Em]

Well, I can't say I feel sorry for her she brought it on herself. She's got no patience, wants everything now and won't see the other persons point of view.

It's Sophie I'm bothered about. I'm just wondering what nasty poisonous crap she's putting in her head as I hardly ever seem to see her.

 

[Squiggy]

Hardheaded kids are soooo frustrating.... Is she the type to realize she was wrong after having to deal with her consequences? Or is she like my son who would use it as a reason to justify his anger?

 

[Aunty Em]

Unfortunately she's like your son and is blaming her sister for everything... and obviously trying to get me on side, but as I said to her, I'm not taking sides.

Rachel has been mostly staying at her boyfirends house because she either gets ignored and excluded or Kayliegh starts an arguement and with her anxiety problems she can't handle it. I saw how much she was shaking with the stress when she was on the phone to the council yesterday. I've told her she must do what is best for her own mental health.

Of course there is also the added complication that Kayliegh's hubby Gareth moved in.... which the council don't know about and which probably didn't help the situation! But they won't house him as they're only under obligation to house homeless women and children who are considered vulnerable.

 

[Squiggy]

I've adopted a new approach with my son. The younger one recieves my support, cooperation, and encouragement because he pretty much gives the same. The oldest now knows that his requests of me will fall on deaf ears and I won't ask him to perform any tasks that would leave me owing him in any way. Its caused him to see the advantages of a cooperative attitude and the effort is starting to bear fruit. Not quite there yet, but its heading in the right direction. Your yougest neice adds a whole new dimension to your problem. That has to make it much tougher. I always keep a good thought for you, Aunty...

 

[PT]

Children are put here to test our patience, that's for sure. The wife and I just had a nice long talk with the three girls last weekend. The oldest started getting pissy cause her jeans weren't done yet. So we all sat down and had us a nice long talk about laundry, dishes, house cleaning in general. They have been doing alot better, up to this point, they would all do housework, if you told them specifically what to do. If you don't, they just stack it up or step over it. So far they are starting to take a little initiative to get stuff done. The boys on the other hand are actually pretty good about cleaning up after themselves. Go figure.

 

[Squiggy]

Initiative....its a magic word, that one...

 

[Aunty Em]

Children are put here to test our patience, that's for sure.

They certainly do that and they're not even mine! Now I know why I only had one...

Kayliegh just seems to be determined to learn the hard way... but then my sister spoilt them stupid anyway. It looks like she doesn't like having to grow up and face reality.

 

[PT]

Kayliegh just seems to be determined to learn the hard way...

Some of them are like that Aunty, and it's doubtful you'll be able to change her anytime soon. So, you have two options, write her off, or learn to accept who she is and the messed up decisions she makes. About the only thing you can do is stay reasonable with her. Screaming at a kid like that usually does nothing but enforces their own beliefs. Show them reasonably how the decisions they have made have made their life harder, you might have a chance of her learning. I wish you luck.

 

[Aunty Em]

I have absolutely no intention of screaming at her or allowing her to scream at me. I did tell her I understand where her sister is coming from having suffered badly from anxiety myself but she wasn't very sympathetic. I should have added self-centred and selfish to the characteristics. I certainly don't intend living in the same house with her, she'd drive me nuts!

I'm concerned that she may decide to dump her sister.

 

[greenfreak]

Wow, that's tough. Youre patience is really being tested, isn't it?

 

[Aunty Em]

Wow, that's tough. Youre patience is really being tested, isn't it?

Um, yes... I really feel like slapping her, but that wouldn't do any good. And Gareth encouraging her and being such a wimp doesn't help... he was a real mummy's boy before they got married and he still is! Kayliegh's definately the one with the trousers on in that relationship!

 

[greenfreak]

I've seen it so much in my family and others, trying to decide at what point you let children be adults and screw up their own lives. My parents refuse to let my brother be an adult and he's 35.

 

[Aunty Em]

My parents refuse to let my brother be an adult and he's 35.

My mother's like that! She's always moaning about my brothers and making veiled insinuations about me, but I don't bite anymore. Actually she's probably the reason I see straight through Kaylieghs machinations.

Maybe that's why I'm happy to leave them to sort themselves out most of the time. A decent "baptism of fire" never hurt anyone in my opinion. It took me a very long time to learn how not to allow this sort of thing to wind me up.

I think Kayliegh's beginning to realise I'm not the person she thought I was... when I was younger I was much more like my sister and had quite a temper, but unlike my sister I learnt how to control it and approach problems in a different way without blowing my top or even acting aggressively. Negotiation and compromise work much better - she still has that to learn for herself.

 

[greenfreak]

It sounds like you've learned pretty damn well, considering the amount of things in your life that require much more patience than the normal person.

The way I look at it though, the real trouble is that no one method of dealing with this resolves the problem for everyone. The only thing that my parents haven't tried on my brother is giving up and letting him fail. They're his biggest fans, he can do no wrong (even though he does--constantly). My two sisters get constant criticism though. It's a really weird arrangement. On the rare occasion they have something to complain about with me (usually that I don't call them enough) they complain to my sisters, not directly to me. Of my siblings, I'm the least restrained with my words to them. I tell them like it is and as a result, they don't give me as much crap.

 

[Aunty Em]

Actually, I've changed my approach to my mother... I used to get annoyed but now I just laugh it off, which has made her give me a few strange looks just lately. At 70 she isn't going to change, she just can't see that it's her behaviour that has driven her sons away. I can imagine Kayliegh being just like that at the same age.

The only thing that my parents haven't tried on my brother is giving up and letting him fail.

That was my sister all over. But I think that they have to fail if they're ever to learn just how much they really need each other. My sister and I fought like this when we were younger. In fact we lived together for a while and had a really big fight when I moved out... scratching, biting, hair-pulling... and we didn't speak to each other for quite some time afterwards. But after I had Katie we became very close and I can honestly say she was my best friend in the end. I really miss her.

 

[a13antichrist]

Tie her upside down to the washing line and let her swing around for a few hours (best bet is five). Once all the blood has made it to her head, take her down and let her try to walk around. Tell her that that's how things will feel if she doesn't sort herself out.

In any case when she's in that state you can mold and shape her however you like. Works wonders.

 

[Aunty Em]

Um, I think that comes under the heading "cruel and unusual punishment" and is probably illegal...

 

[a13antichrist]

Nonsense, as parents or legal guardians you have the right to mold your children as you see fit. You even get to choose whether they'll be republicans or Democrats.