Ford and GM Competes for Spam blocking technology

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Thursday, June 12 12:01 AM EDT
Ford, GM Develop Competing
Billboard Blocking Technologies
By Brian Briggs

Detroit, MI - Automobile manufacturers are emulating ad blocking software for the Internet by developing billboard blocking technology for cars, trucks and SUVs. Ford and GM have taken different approaches in billboard blocking technology.

Ford combines GPS and guided missile technology to accomplish the task. The roof-mounted guided missiles system gets data from the GPS to sense when the driver is approaching a billboard, and launches a missile, automatically destroying the billboard. Since the system is quite heavy, it is currently only available on trucks, SUVs and larger cars with towing packages installed, and works at distances of up to five miles.

GM also uses GPS data but combines it with advanced electrochromic Smart Glass to darken windows when the driver approaches billboards. GM chief engineer, Red Haroom, explained, "We're really proud of the Blackout Billboard Buster or Triple-B system. Unlike Ford's missile system, our system is completely non-destructive and much more effective. Triple-B can turn a window from transparent to completely opaque in an instant, and then when you've passed the offending advertisement back to transparent."

Haroom continued, "We don't think that destroying the billboards is the answer. New billboards will just pop right up to replace them. What if you run out of missiles? There's really nothing you can do until you reload. Some left wing consumer advocates have complained that blacking out the windows can be dangerous, but our research has shown it's not any more dangerous than watching the dash mounted DVD player while talking on the phone blindfolded."

Haley Kamsten, an engineer who helped develop the Billboard B-Gone system at Ford, countered, "With our system the driver's viewing area is completely unobstructed. Safety is our prime objective unlike GM. Their claim that drivers will run out of missiles is hogwash. The average driver sees about 20 billboards on a normal drive so we've outfitted the new Explorer with 25 missiles, but that really should be plenty for any length journey. Billboard B-Gone is really a community effort. If a car in front of you wipes out a billboard you won't have to, saving your missile. We expect to sell millions of vehicles equipped with these system and working together they could wipe out a large city in a few weeks. All the advertising in a large city that is."

While Ford's missile technology works well on freestanding billboards along the interstate, Kamsten admits that urban advertisements mounted on sides of buildings are more problematic. "It's difficult to bring down a whole building, so we're developing new more powerful explosives or 'brick busters' to deal with them," explained Kamsten.

Related News
Ford Testifies to Stop Ride Sharing

New Ford Exorbitant Comes with Spare Explorer

Pop-up Inventor Won't Stay Buried

Display advertising companies are lobbying Congress to make the new blocking technology illegal, but in the interim they are starting to outfit their billboards with anti-missile batteries.

Daimler Chrysler isn't far behind and expects to have their own technology which is said to follow yet another path. "Our system plots a course to avoid known billboard installations. When a new billboard is detected it relays this information via satellite to update the master data base. Sure you might go 50 or 100 miles out of your way, but you won't see any advertising, " said a Chrysler engineer.

Ford and GM should have billboard blocking devices available in the 2004 model year.
 
Pop-Up Windows Inventor Refuses to Stay Buried
By Dale McFarland

The Hague, Netherlands - Undertakers are puzzled and irritated by a coffin that refuses to stay underground. After numerous attempts to inter the body, cemetery staff is at a loss.

Verdomde Klootzak, the Dutch html developer credited with scripting the earliest pop-up window codes, was found violently murdered in his home weeks ago. Authorities have no solid leads in the strange case, and this latest enigma has served only to hamper their investigation.

Grounds manager Vlad Diggoort expressed his frustration. "We close the box and we think we're rid of him, then he pops up somewhere else. We bury the bastard over here, but then he reappears over there. It's driving us all crazy."

Tim Berners-Lee, Klootzak's former co-worker at C.E.R.N. on the French-Swiss border west of Geneva, has no explanation for the mystery.

"Frankly, I'm bewildered," he confesses. "I'm sure they'll be able to dispose of the casket eventually. But I wouldn't be surprised if his murderer is never identified. There are just too many people in the world who wanted him to disappear."
 
New Ford Exorbitant Comes with Spare Explorer

Detroit, MI - Ford Motor Company announced today the new Ford Exorbitant. The Ford Exorbitant seats 50 comfortably, and even comes with a spare Ford Explorer. The Exorbitant, built on a standard bus frame is the largest SUV ever manufactured. Aside from the spare Explorer, other standard features include a full kitchen, 3 bedrooms, and 1.5 bathrooms.
"Many people have given up their own home and use the Exorbitant as their only living space. It's much more convenient than finding a place to park the Exorbitant," said CEO Jacques Nasser. He continued, "No longer will you be stranded if you run out of gas, or get a flat tire. Sure you could use your cell phone to call for help, but who wants to wait for help? Just unload your Explorer and take care of the problem when you want to."

"I just love it," said soccer mom, Wendy Glickman, "I feel a lot safer knowing I have the spare Explorer. What if I forget my cell phone? What if the GPS in the Exorbitant fritzes out? Half a million dollars is a small price to pay for peace of mind."

Many environmental groups have voiced concerns over the Exorbitant's nuclear powered engine. "Gee, you make a car that doesn't run on gas and they still complain," responded Chairman William Clay Ford, Jr. "This vehicle gets 70,000 miles per enriched Uranium rod, which makes it the most environmental friendly SUV available."

The Lincoln Gigantro based on the Exorbitant will be available next year.
 
Ford Testifies to Stop Ride Sharing
By Brian Briggs

Washington DC - William Ford Jr., CEO of the Ford Motor Company testified beforeCongress about the nationwide problem of ride sharing. Ford cited ride swapping as the number one reason for the the company's declining revenue. "These 'pool pirates are depriving Ford of rightful income. Three sometimes four people are sharing rides. Less wear and tear on the cars means fewer new car purchases. That's revenue that's being robbed from Ford."

A recent study by the Gartner Group supports Ford's claims that ride sharing runs rampant across the US. The study showed showed that children under the age of 16 were the biggest offenders. Almost 99% of children in that age group said they had shared a ride in the past week. The study also showed that ride sharing had spread to the Internet in the form of "Car Pool" message boards where the "Road Robbers" set up their swaps.

Many Representatives questioned Ford's claim that consumers used ride sharing to put off purchases of new cars for 3 or even 4 years. "You're telling me that people don't receive new cars as gifts from lobbyists every year? I find that allegation preposterous," asked a Representative from Virginia.

After testimony was completed Representatives from Michigan introduced the Driving Solo Enforcement Act of 2002, which aims to curb ride sharing activities by making it illegal to have more than one person in a car at a time. The bill also attempts to stop government support of this activity by closing down car pool lanes. Persons caught sharing rides would be subject to a $2500 and up to 1 year in prison.

Other witnesses before the Transportation Committee testified that people, often foreigners, were selling rides on the street in cars called "taxis". They shared stories of how they paint their cars yellow and cruise the streets looking for potential ride sharers.

"Mr. Ford needs to wake up and smell the coffee," said Frank Wallace, an opponent of the bill. "I haven't bought a new car in 6 years! I ride with my friends, I ride with my parents. Sometimes I even walk to work. If they pass this law people are still gonna share rides. They may have to hide in the trunk, but they're still gonna do it."

Many soccer moms are worried by what this legislation may do to their hectic schedules. "It might be a bit inconvenient, but I guess I'll just have to let little Johnny drive the mini-van to soccer practice by himself," said Melissa Garrett of Concord, New Hampshire. "He can touch the pedals by himself now and I don't want to break any laws."

Exxon Mobil and the Asphalt Workers of America also testified on the importance of stopping ride swapping.
 
Emergency Porn Preparedness
The release of another message from Osama bin Laden the week preceding Valentine's Day has prompted the Director of Homeland Masturbation to issue a RED ALERT:
Severe Risk of Cyber Terrorist Attack


Recent viruses/worms have demonstrated just how vulnerable to attack the internet can be. Director Jack Kaufman suggests you keep at least a three-day supply of fresh adult content stored in your computer, in case the World Wide Web is disabled

The list of items which may be in short supply include such basic necessities as





Just to be safe, it's also recommended that you stock up on

Amateurs | Anal | Anime | Asians | Babes | BDSM | Bestiality | Big Cocks | Big Naturals | Blondes | Brunettes | Celebrities | Cumshots | Ebony | Gay | Group Sex Orgies | Hardcore | Hamsters/Gerbils | Hermaphrodites | Incest | Interracial | Latex | Latinas | Leather | Lesbians | Mature | Midgets | Movies | Nuns | Oriental Bondage | Pee | Pornstars | Redheads | Russian Amateurs | Schoolgirls | See 'n' Say | Sex Toys | Spanking | Teens | Tiny Girls | Transvestites | Upskirts | Vintage Porn | Voyeur | Wild Mouse


I have read the above statement and understand that you couldn't care less whether I'm 18 years of age


I AGREE I DISAGREE

This article is satire from The Specious Report. This is a parody and not affiliated in any way with:



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