Funny?

AlphaTroll

AlphaTroll

New Member
Got these off an Aussie 'humour' site - under the TRUE stories section!

About 7 am on August 25th 1998, thirty-six year old Mrs Sarah Jenson started her period. By the time she arrived at work an hour later, she had started to experience a chronic itching sensation in her crotch.

Sarah worked as an advisor in a call centre and had recently received a final warning about her poor attendance record. To keep her job, she tried to ignore the itch and got on with answering customers' calls.

At 11:25 am she reported to her boss that she was suffering from severe abdominal pain and it was only when she collapsed in her own vomit that he called for an ambulance.

She was admitted to the Lincoln Hospital, Texas where doctors discovered that her vagina was greatly swollen and her labia had distended to three times normal size. Whilst cleaning the inflamed area, a tampon was found and it was sent away for analysis.

Suspecting Toxic Shock syndrome, Sarah was kept under close observation until her condition was no longer critical. One week later the Lab results on the tampon arrived and doctors were baffled to find that it contained traces of wasp venom.

It transpires that Sarah was having an affair with her aerobics instructor, and when her husband Mr Henry Jenson found out, he was so enraged he wanted revenge. Knowing his wife was allergic to insect stings, he purchased wasp venom through a biochemical company. He lightly coated his wife's tampons with the venom, resealed the individual wrappers and replaced them in their box.

Mrs Jenson has filed for a divorce and a case of grievous bodily harm. Mr Jenson is reported as saying, "I just wanted her to have a swell time without me."
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In March 1997, Brian Cranshaw, a chemical engineer from West London, returned to the UK after spending the previous six months overseeing work at a petrochemicals plant in Nigeria.

During his first week back, his wife complained that he seemed to have difficulty listening properly. Brian suggested that his ears had not fully recovered from the air pressure changes experienced during his flight.

Over the next two weeks, Brian's condition worsened as he started to feel tickling sensations deep in his ears. Thinking the trouble was caused by loosened ear wax, he attempted to clean his ears with a ballpoint pen.

When he pressed it into his right ear, he heard a cracking sound and saw the pen covered in a yellow goo. He went to his local GP claiming he had punctured his ear drum. The GP reached into Brian's right ear with a pair of tweezers and pulled out what appeared to be an insect antenna.

During the examination Brian was horrified to learn that he had a total of 5 African cockroaches living in his head. Four cockroaches were alive and one cockroach was dead, presumably crushed by Brian's pen attack.

An investigation revealed that when Brian was in Nigeria, a female African cockroach must have laid numerous eggs in the toiletries bag where he kept his cotton buds. When he was cleaning his ears, he was also transferring the cockroach eggs to his inner ear where they started to hatch.
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On September 4 1999 at 9.30 a.m. Ron Guptey of N.S.W Australia went into hospital complaining of severe pain in the rectum area. The doctor on call examined him, he found severe swelling around the anus but was left puzzled because he had not seen such a thing before.

Two more doctors examined Ron but they too were left confused about what was happening. Through the day Ron's was deteriorating he had developed a fever and was suffering a lot of pain around his abdomen. The doctors gave pain killers but the symptoms worsened until 2.57 p.m. when he lapsed into a coma and 2 hours later was pronounced dead.

An investigation was led to discover the reason of death. The body was placed in for a post mortem, traces of wood bark were found inside the rectal passage, but as the examination went further the doctor discovered about 3 or 4 black widow spiders in Ron's intestine.

The police had found a tree with a cut of branch along the side in Ron's back yard, there were traces of KY jelly and traces of rectal juices along the branch. There was also Black widow egg shells found inside the bark.

Ron was apparently satisfying himself with this tree stump, but failed to notice the black widow nest on the tree. During his sexual act he had impregnated himself with the black widow eggs. The eggs had embedded in his rectal passage walls and were kept at the required temperature for the eggs to develop and finally hatch.

Once the baby spiders were hatched they had bitten him and had poisoned him from the inside.
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I'm gonna go throw up now :sick:
 
Got this from the same site - this one's actually rather funny in a twisted way - makes you think about those steamy sessions in your PM box dunnit ? ;)

The following is a true story . . .

An anonymous girl, lets call her Jen, is a junior in college attending school in Colorado, like all college students, she is wrapped up in the partying and the wildness college life has to offer. Jen being the computer science major that she is does however have a lot of work to do on her computer so when she's not out having a good time, she's working her but off desining computer programs and installing software.

One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a friday night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. she was sad alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage. she was playing on the net when she decided to get onto a chat line, being the wild psycho she is she decided to get onto a sex line. So Jen got onto a sex chat line and started playing around on it.

Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Jeremy, she started playing with him, she gave a false name, saying her name was "katie" and started getting into detail about what she would like to do to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. soon they were having cybersex. This went on for awhile, and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night.

Saturday night rolls around, and Jen is on the line with Jeremy again, they become even closer this night, so they continue like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started talking about other things, and got into very intimate issues and feelings. they became close, exchanging their lives, Jen didnt' tell Jeremy she was in college, because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. she felt guilty, but after a few weeks, she really liked this guy.

This went on the two of them like this for months, and months turned into a year. By the end of the year they had exchanged the most intimate thoughts, and yet had never even spoken on the phone. they were afraid of ruining the mystery. They had done everything sexually possible over the net, they were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could some day be together.

They finally decided they had had enough. they wanted to meet each other, they were in love and they had to meet. They didn't care about age or looks or anything but each other. Jeremy told Jen he thought she could be his next wife. Jen was wary at first but decided she didn't care how old he was or how ugly she loved him, he was the only one she could feel comfortable with. so...they planned a trip to meet in Vale, Colorado.

They were going to spend the weekend together and finally meet. Jen didn't want the hassle of having to find him, so she said, why don't you just get the room and we'll meet in the room that way there will be no mistake. Jeremy agreed.

Jen showed up at the resort first, and checked into the room telling the desk lady to hold the key for the next party, so she went into the room. She wanted things to be special so she lit some candles, put on some music. She stripped naked and climbed into the bed under the covers, deciding to surprise Jeremy when he got there. T

The time soon came the lights were out, the mood was right, and she heard a key in the door, she heard someone walk in and around the corner, and she whispered, "Jeremy", jeremy said, "Katie?" (this was the false name she had given him.) "yes", she said, so he fumbled for the light, and turned it on to see Jen on the bed naked before him.

Then next thing heard around the world were two blood curling screams. Jen covered herself up, and with her most humiliating voice said, "Dad?" and Jeremy said, "JEN!!!"

Think of what you would do in this situation.. now realize this really did happen. Their lives will never be the same.
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