Jill Rachel Jacobs: Hey kids! Get your GI George doll!
Jill Rachel Jacobs
Published September 9, 2003
JAC09
Evildoers everywhere: Beware. GI George is here. Blue Box Toys, the same company that brought you the Hello Kitty merchandising line, has announced the limited edition of Elite Force Aviator, the George Bush action figure doll, available at Kay Bee toy stores beginning September 15.
Dressed in traditional naval aviator garb, this sleek action figure will bring back fond memories of that historic yet very costly day when George Bush landed on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, signifying the end to major combat in Iraq. Though the real George W. never actually made it to combat, this 12-inch replica will make you think he did. It comes equipped with the standard helmet, extra oxygen, a parachute harness, miniature flares -- all replicating Bush's historic aircraft-carrier landing.
And for just $39.99, the George Bush action figure can be yours! Be the first on your block to own a piece of history commemorating the demise of society as we once knew it, as the merging of politics and commercialism creates an alarming new low for civilized people everywhere.
Why not collect the whole set?
Buff Presidential George: Boasting a resting heart rate of 45 and a body fat percentage to die for, when this trim presidential action figure says, "Let's get physical," it's one thing he really means. Though many Americans find themselves struggling to find time for even the basics during these tough tumultuous times, Buff George knows how to prioritize, never misses a workout and has even managed to increase his muscle mass during times of national peril. Now, that's dedication.
Treadmill, Walkman and headband sold separately.
GOP Fundraising George: Doubling as a piggy bank, this action figure knows no bounds when it comes to raising a buck. Your children will enjoy hours of fun stuffing large bills into his empty head, believing that their money is secure, even as the greenback begins to fall and interest rates rise. Lost your nest egg during the stock market crash? Worried about your future and our record-breaking national debt? Forget your financial woes for now and marvel in the wonderment of GOP George as he continues to shatter all political fundraising records.
Nominal tax break included with most dolls.
Leisure Commando George: Whether home on the range at the Western White House or kicking back on the golf course, this not-so-action figure brings new meaning to the word relaxation. So the unemployment rate is skyrocketing, 44 million Americans don't have health insurance and the sanest among us spend inordinate amounts of time purchasing large quantities of duct tape and plastic. With this action figure's laissez-faire attitude, you'll start to wonder what all the fuss is about. Forget Saddam. Osama who? WMDs? Oh, puh-leeze! Relax and take comfort with Leisure George in your camp, because when the going gets tough, the tough get going -- on vacation.
Cowboy hat, golf cart and Ford pick-up not included.
Chatty Presidential George: Is our children learning? They will be now as one can never misunderestimate the importance of language and the hours of fun you and your family will have learning new words on the spot with this talking wind-up action figure. You say nuclear, he says, "nookular." With Chatty George, youll be so mixed up that you, too, will begin to wonder which words are real and which are just figments of the imagination of this irrepressible and zany doll.
Dictionary and Yale diploma sold separately.
The Dickie Doll: Kudos to the creators of this replica of the veep, who were forced to rely solely on memory when recreating this remarkable life-like image of the second in command.
While this action figure is almost impossible to find, those willing to risk going underground may be able to get a glimpse of what is sure to be a rare collectors item.
Extra batteries included.
Jill Rachel Jacobs is a New York-based writer and humorist.
but i clipped this a couple weeks ago and just found it under a pile on my desk.