How I really feel...

ClaireBear

ClaireBear

Banned
I'm a regular poster on a UK based Teacher's forum...

This is how I really feel... I try to keep shit light on here... but maybe some of you will understand my moods and "shit stirring" if you know how I really feel

CB on teacher forum said:
Yup... I was with TSNE too I'm actually still on their books... I got sweet FA off them... due to me not driving. They simply can't call me at 8am to start at 9... I need to know the night before as depending on where I'm going it can take up to 2 hours by bus. *shrug*

I am not prepared to move.

Basically I'm scared I can't deal with living at home at home..never mind 200 miles away. I have no friends and without a boyfriend I spend a lot of time in the house. If I moved I'd be alone in the house... this way I have my parents and sister.

I've totally given up now... I couldn't really give a rats about teaching... I've not been in a classroom for over a year now and I graduated 2 years ago... even if I did move only an insane head would employ me... I know I'm good and I could do a great job... I'm a brilliant teacher who has so much to give... but my failure to find work is like hanging a sign around my neck declaring my unsuitability. Coupled with my 2.2... I may aswell bypass the middle guy and write out 100 prospective applications and take them to the dump myself.

Pesemistic?... No! Realistic!

I'm stuck with a **** grade degree... in a vocational subject which I'm obviously not suited for.

I'm gonna be here answering phones and stuffing envelopes and whinging on the internet til I die. Even the numpties at work know I'm stuffed...
"Don't you like have to start teaching to kinda keep your qualification Claire?"
"Yes thats how it works!" *Claire grits teeth and blinks tears out of eyes as she scans the LEA job board*
"So its been like 2 years has it?"
"Yes... you know I had forgotten there for a second!!!!!" *Claire slams head set down and leaves the office*

I'm sick and tired... and there just aren't any other options for me... my degree and a levels aren't good enough for any degree programme I'm also too old... I'm 25 this year!... I'm giving it one last shot for this September then... I dunno... teaching assistant jobs? Would they take me without the NVQ2 but with a teaching qualification?

I could be sick. This wasn't the plan! This isn't MY life! Its not MY LIFE! Its the lasses who were in the middle set in secondary school... didn't do A Levels and feel exceptional to earn 10 grand a year!

I've wasted my ******* life... and its all my fault.
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I guess its kinda like my apology for some of the screwed up shit on here. And maybe I'm asking for advice.

I don't know what to do... this isn't my life! This wasn't my plan. I feel too worthless and depressed to try and change any of it either... I work a meaningless job for too long hours... I never get the time to sort anything out... driving lessons, passport, job applications... even myself... motivatiing myself to wash is as much as I can handle right now.

When I do apply for teaching posts, I'm sure I make mistakes as between 6 and 11 at night after 10 hours at work is probably not the best time to try and sell yourself. I'm screwed... I'm never going to teach but I don't have any experience in any other area.

I've let my family down, I've let my teachers down and I've let myself down!!! I hate myself. I'm almost 25 and have have fuck all! Fuck all!
 
Do you have to have specific, paid driving lessons? Couldn't you get someone to teach you how to drive in the spare hours you do have?
 
Inkara1 said:
Do you have to have specific, paid driving lessons? Couldn't you get someone to teach you how to drive in the spare hours you do have?
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I need a provisional licence to get lessons... to get a licence the easiest way is to prove your identity by enclosing a copy of your passport...

I have no passport (never been abroad :ashamed: ) to get a passport you need to have a standing member of society who has known you at least 5 years to sign a disclaimer and the back of you photos.

I don't know anyone to do that... I have no friends... and I've only worked here for 1 year. I could ask one of my neighbours (my old headteacher or art teacher) but I'd literally rather die than have them know I'm such a failiure.

Without the passport I need my photos signed by someone similar for my DVLA licence...

It sounds like nothing... but to me its a huge deal. To admit to people who i respect that I'm a out right loser isn't my idea of fun... I'd rather die.

My Dad won't teach me... which is a good thing he's a bad driver, I'd pick up his bad habits... other than him... there's no one else. Like I said... I have no friends. Besides its easier to be entered for the theory and actual tests through a school... infact I think you have to be. :shrug:

It seems like nothing... and reading this its so like I'm just whinging over a stupid little thing but I seriously can't show myself up like that by having to admit waht a balls I've made of my life to people I've always wanted to impress.
 
ClaireBear said:
Just ignore the freaky lady... having a bad day. Sorry
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sure you want to use the term freaky? ;)




hope things get better. did you get any responses from it yet?
 
freako104 said:
sure you want to use the term freaky? ;)

hope things get better. did you get any responses from it yet?
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What does freaky mean to you? Means strange to me! :shrug: Unless its copy righted! :p

Well its kinda from a long exchange with one particular poster... he's as yet still to respond... :shrug:

As I say just ignore me... I get like this... it ain't pretty but self pity is a necessary evil!
 
Go back to your childhood/teen dentist/doctor or one of your Profs and say you need your license, can you sign this. I had to do it at the ripe old age or 29, nothing to do with anything but never having needed a license before that. You don't have to tell them your whole life story?

And from one who knows, self pity may be fun and all, but it gets you absolutely nowhere.
 
Leslie said:
Go back to your childhood/teen dentist/doctor or one of your Profs and say you need your license, can you sign this. I had to do it at the ripe old age or 29, nothing to do with anything but never having needed a license before that. You don't have to tell them your whole life story?

And from one who knows, self pity may be fun and all, but it gets you absolutely nowhere.
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Yeh... I'll just run out and catch them when they're busy... they won't have time to ask... so I won't have to lie.

Self pity ain't fun Leslie... the whole getting nowhere is the problem... its a downward spiral... I reach the bottom then try and climb back up but never quite get back to the top.
 
Claire. You're not alone. Others on this board have dealt with, and are still dealing with what you're going though. And it's not funny, or easy. In fact, sometimes it probably makes it feel like you can't do anything right, and wheneven you manage to get one foot in front, something pulls you back leg out, doesn't it?

But, the simple answer is that, what's done is done. You can't change the past. You can't blame it, rely on it, or let it stop you. You have to look ahead, and see (from where you are right now) where you can go, where you want to go, and what it's gonna take to get you there. Once you've got that set in your mind, you need to access what you've got behind you. A lot of times, it's best to see a job counsler for this part. They'll be able to see advantages that you can't.

Then, you have to make a decision. Can you build on what you've already done? Is it a solid, stable platform to build your future on. Or is it a boat anchor that's just gonna drag on you? If it's not gonna help, you have to accept that and cut it free. At 25, you're not that old (trust me) to start over. I've career hopped several times. I started my present career at about that age. For the 7 years before that, I was doing something completely different. And neither have anything to do with my college education.

But the first question you need to answer is "Are you tough enough to do what need to be done to get where you want to go?" And "maybe" is a good enough start for now.
 
I'm gonna apply for a teaching job in the local area this spring. Few jobs, a ton of applicants. Don't have a license either. Can't move because of the kiddo. And I'm 28.

Ok, now I'm getting kinda depressed too..
*scawed*
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About the passport thing, woah. I just picked up my first passport today. To get it I showed them my birth-certifikate, my bank-card as ID, gave them a pic, signed some papers, and that's it. (Oh, well I had to pay 'em too.. :p)

I don't see why asking someone for a signature would make you a failure though. *scratches head*
 
Okay...

I'll get some photos this week (that's another reason I don't particularly relish applying for either... I'm hideous and I'll be stuck with my mug on those documents for at least the next 10 years!) after work on Saturday... I have to look half decent, working in a clothing store... fill in the forms and try and catch my old head teacher on Sunday... while he's on his way to to play golf...

If I come back on here on Monday not having at least attmpted to do either... you can beat me with sticks.. or rather.. negative karma my ass!
 
Good. At least doing that is doing something.

If you started tutoring children nights, would that not be a form of job experience or at least show a potential hirer that you're at least interested in the field?
 
Why a pasport? What if a person is happy in their homeland & doesn't want to leave? You can't just take your birth certificate & some other form of ID? Hell, we have illegals here that would qualify for a passport under the English plan. Silly English K-nig-its.

Basically I'm scared I can't deal with living at home at home..never mind 200 miles away. I have no friends and without a boyfriend I spend a lot of time in the house. If I moved I'd be alone in the house... this way I have my parents and sister.
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Scared is supposed to be good. Motivation to do the right thing, not motivation to do nothing. Go out & experience life. If that means taking a chance & leaving the anchor behind, get to it. Life is too short.
 
Leslie said:
Good. At least doing that is doing something.

If you started tutoring children nights, would that not be a form of job experience or at least show a potential hirer that you're at least interested in the field?
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Its the transport issue there again... normally you go to the tutee's home. Plus the age range I specialise in... although there are exams (where the largest revenue comes from helping kids to cram!) they're not important ones... my age range is 5-11...

Then there's the whole issue of taxation and self employment... and cash in hand payment... when you go solo!

Join a tutoring firm... where they give you kinda like a "licence" to tutor under their name using their methods can cost you... before you even start!

But I'll look into it... it may be possible for me to put an add in a school and I'll contact the tax office to see where I'll stand... currently working two jobs... the taxation I'll recieve may not be worth it.
 
Starya said:
I don't see why asking someone for a signature would make you a failure though. *scratches head*
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When they ask the usual questions

"What you up to?" "Where you working?" etc etc...

I aspired to be like these people... as it is I'm the polar opposite.
 
Gonz said:
Why a pasport? What if a person is happy in their homeland & doesn't want to leave? You can't just take your birth certificate & some other form of ID? Hell, we have illegals here that would qualify for a passport under the English plan. Silly English K-nig-its.
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I dunno... its the only thing they'll accept... :shrug:

Scared is supposed to be good. Motivation to do the right thing, not motivation to do nothing. Go out & experience life. If that means taking a chance & leaving the anchor behind, get to it. Life is too short.
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But I can't... living alone... truly alone would kill me... I can't be alone in the house for longer than 3 hours and I'm calling my family to see when they're coming home...

I need to know that when I open the front door and I've had a shitty day... there's someone with a hug and a kind word for me waiting there. its my coping mechanism.
 
Leslie said:
Worth it job experience wise, it very well could be, taxes or no.
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I'd rather do volountary teaching assistant work if I'm not gonna get paid. It would be a step back but more relevant... a school and classroom environment.
 
ClaireBear said:
I'd rather do volountary teaching assistant work if I'm not gonna get paid. It would be a step back but more relevant... a school and classroom environment.
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Sometimes you have to be willing to take that step back. Trying to start half way up the ladder is a sure way to fail. The bottom rung is always worth treading.
 
ClaireBear said:
When they ask the usual questions

"What you up to?" "Where you working?" etc etc...

I aspired to be like these people... as it is I'm the polar opposite.
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D'oh. :blush: Common small-talk. Didn't think about that one. (Probably 'cause I avoid it at all costs..)


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Off topic: We're gonna visit an English school while we're there, age group 5-11. That'll be interesting.

On the info handed out about the visits, the following was underlined: "Please ensure that you wear smart, professional clothing, as denims may not be permitted." Well I rarely wear denims, but smart and professional? Asked my teacher, what could be considered acceptable, so he leaned down and peeked under my desk. "Not those" he answered. I have to go shopping tomorrow. :disgust:
 
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