John F'ing Slick Willie Kerry
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The Other One
Banned
Kerry to Reenact Medal Tossing Protest
(2004-04-26) -- Democrat presidential hopeful John Forbes Kerry today announced he would reenact for TV cameras the historic moment when he tossed his own Vietnam war medals over the White House fence.
To add realism to the dramatization, Mr. Kerry plans to use the actual medals he received for his service in Vietnam, rather than replicas.
"I've carefully stored my medals all these years," said Mr. Kerry. "I was waiting for the right moment to bring them out and show America how I actually tossed them over the White House fence to demonstrate my disgust with an administration that sent me overseas to commit war crimes. Therefore, I'm proud of my service in Vietnam, which helped to make me into the leader I am today...and the next president of the United States."
The medal tossing scene will be part of an ABC-TV news special, sponsored by Anheuser-Busch, called "Real American Heroes." The segment on Sen. Kerry is called "Mister Patriotic War Protestor."
(2004-04-26) -- Democrat presidential hopeful John Forbes Kerry today announced he would reenact for TV cameras the historic moment when he tossed his own Vietnam war medals over the White House fence.
To add realism to the dramatization, Mr. Kerry plans to use the actual medals he received for his service in Vietnam, rather than replicas.
"I've carefully stored my medals all these years," said Mr. Kerry. "I was waiting for the right moment to bring them out and show America how I actually tossed them over the White House fence to demonstrate my disgust with an administration that sent me overseas to commit war crimes. Therefore, I'm proud of my service in Vietnam, which helped to make me into the leader I am today...and the next president of the United States."
The medal tossing scene will be part of an ABC-TV news special, sponsored by Anheuser-Busch, called "Real American Heroes." The segment on Sen. Kerry is called "Mister Patriotic War Protestor."
The Other One
Banned
Suggestions to Improve John Kerry's campaign:
* Get Rid of the French-Lookingness: This is a hard one, but essential. Instead of a suit, wear a leather jacket and sunglasses. Mess up that thousand dollar haircut of yours. Then, grow some stubble. If you can't grow stubble because of that Botox stuff, then have a Hollywood makeup artist give you some.
* Stop Talking: You seem to put your foot in your mouth trying to explain your odd positions, so don't talk at all. Be this mysterious, gruff looking individual of few words. Respond to most questions with a grunt or a "whatever". This moves you from aloof - which people hate - to apathetic - which is cool. If someone keeps pestering you with a question, instead of coming up with a lame dodge by attacking Bush, intimidate the individual. For example:
REPORTER: "Senator Kerry, did you or did you not throw your own medals over a fence in protest?"
MO'FO' KERRY: "Who f**king cares? What I do know, if you keep bothering me about it, I'm going to throw my fist in your face."
The average Joe - or even the average Steve - would really respond to that.
* No More Mentioning That You Served Vietnam: Okay, dude, we all know you served in Vietnam and are getting tired of you bringing it up, but there's a better way to mention it. Instead of saying, "By the way, I served in Vietnam", phrase instead as "I've killed people before." Said in a low, menacing voice, it's also a good dodge to questions.
* Pick a VP that Makes You Look Good in Comparison: Since everyone think you're haughty and aloof and uncharismatic, pick a VP that's even more haughty, more aloof, and less charismatic. But who...
Al Gore! He's even already got VP experience. He might be really tired of it, though, so if you get elected and you see him playing with garroting wire, don't turn your back on him.
* Use Reverse Psychology: Usually political ads say why you should vote for one guy or why you shouldn't vote for another guy. That's old and tired. If you want to be cool, have an ad where you say, "I'm John Kerry and... know what? F**k this. I don't even want your stupid vote. I'm outta here." Then just walk off camera. And people will be like, "That guy is cool! He doesn't even care if we vote for him! I'm going to vote for him!" It will totally work.
* Wrestle a Bear: Only a badass could wrestle a bear. And then you'll have something to talk about other than being in Vietnam. No matter what policy question someone asks you, you can be like, "Hey! I wrestled a bear! I can handle that podunk crap!"
* Keep Bill Clinton in His Place: Using his new book, Bill Clinton is going to try and steal the spotlight for himself to the detriment of Democrats in general. You need to have a public meeting with him and then stomp his ass. Be like, "I'm the leader of the Democrats now, bitch!" He might call on Hillary for help, and I'll leave that up to whether you take her on. I hear that in a fight she's all nails and teeth.
* Improve General Badassery: If people are going to take you seriously as a president who can handle the war on terror, you need to be a complete and total badass. Instead of doing the usual politician thing of shaking hands and kissing babies, be like, "Keep your damn hands away from me!" and "Get that ugly baby out of my face!" People will be like, "Damn! That guy is a badass. To once think I believed he was haughty and aloof."
CydCharisse
New Member
I do not like Kerry. God help us if he becomes president