Joke A Day.....

Mare

Mare

New Member
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
-I do physical labor.
-I work at great depths.
-I plunge head first into everything I do.
-I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
-I work in a damp environment.
-I don't get paid overtime.
-I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
-I work in high temperatures.
-My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
-You do not work 8 hours straight.
-You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
-You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
-You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
-You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
-You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
-You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
-You'll retire well before reaching 65.
-You're unable to work double shifts.
-You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
-And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management
:lol2:
 
You know you're living in 2004 when...



1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of Three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they
don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work and you still answer the phone
in a
business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different
companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you
turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this
list.
 
very attractive woman goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he
arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to
hers. When he does, she begins to caress his full beard. "Are you the
manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually,
no," the man replied. Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,"
she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm
afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lips, and slyly popping a
couple of her fingers into his mouth, and allowing him to suck them
gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper towels in the ladies' room."


:sick2:
 
alex said:
very attractive woman goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he
arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to
hers. When he does, she begins to caress his full beard. "Are you the
manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually,
no," the man replied. Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,"
she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm
afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lips, and slyly popping a
couple of her fingers into his mouth, and allowing him to suck them
gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper towels in the ladies' room."
:sick2:
Click to expand...



*puke* :brush:
 
Dear Jesus
Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."
After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,

I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,

Johnny

Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,

I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Yours truly,

Johnny

Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,

I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?

Johnny


Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running out of the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should really do.

Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door.

He went home, hit the statue under his bed and wrote this letter:

Jesus,

I've got your mamma. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.

You know who

:lol: thought this was cute to share...
 
How do crazy people go through the forest? - They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water? - Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall? - "Dam!"

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? - Polaroid's.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? - A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? - Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers? - Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? - Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow? - Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? - Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? - A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? - Anyone can
roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? - Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? - Because they have big fingers

Why don't blind people like to sky dive? - Because it scares the hell
out of the dog.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? - Sanka.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? - The location of
the dirt bag.

Why do a pilgrim's pants always fall down? - Because they wear their
belt buckle on their hat.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? - A bad
golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

What do you call a man with a car on his head? - Jack

How do you catch a unique rabbit? - Unique up on it!

How do you catch a tame rabbit? - Tame way, unique up on it!

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop - clop? - An Amish
drive-by shooting.

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? - Somebody's
gonna lose a trailer.
 
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze those dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"




2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out."




3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?




4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?




5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?




6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?




7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?




8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!




9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap to try and catch the Roadrunner, why didn't he just buy dinner?




10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?




11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?




13 Why do the Alphabet song & Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?




14. Stop singing and read on.......




15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?




16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?




17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
 
Purple Parrot
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.

"Hey, bitch, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:

"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! " Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut, " says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! "

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20, 000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
 
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to
put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
told us
that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the
big
scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays
up, that
would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle."Perhaps you didn't hear me over
those big
brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man
can
pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess and
I take orders f rom no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
beat,"Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up,
Bitch."
 
A Montana cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch?' 'What's so special about it?'

The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'


The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast'.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top