Lawyer jokes
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Professur
Well-Known Member
What do you call 5000 lawyers at the bottom of the Atlantic?
A good start.
What do you call burying a lawyer up to his neck in manure?
Running out of manure.
What's the difference between a dog lying dead in the middle of the road and a lawyer lying dead in the middle of the road?
There are skid makes in front of the dog.
Saddam Hussein, Santa Claus, and an honest lawyer are walking down the street and see a $100 bill drifting along. Which one picked it up
Sadda,. The other two don't exist.
A good start.
What do you call burying a lawyer up to his neck in manure?
Running out of manure.
What's the difference between a dog lying dead in the middle of the road and a lawyer lying dead in the middle of the road?
There are skid makes in front of the dog.
Saddam Hussein, Santa Claus, and an honest lawyer are walking down the street and see a $100 bill drifting along. Which one picked it up
Sadda,. The other two don't exist.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are not real.
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are not real.
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
AlladinSane
Well-Known Member
Two lawyers are having dinner, one of them says:
-Shit I forgot to lock the safe.
-No problem. We're both here...
A lawyer and an engineer are fishing together. Speaks the lawyer:
-I'm having this perfect vacation time because I've got the insurance money after my my house went on fire.
-Funny you say that! I'm here because my house was destroyed by flooding and I got the insurance.
There is silence for a time then the lawyer speaks:
-Ok I give up. How did you start the flooding?
-Shit I forgot to lock the safe.
-No problem. We're both here...
A lawyer and an engineer are fishing together. Speaks the lawyer:
-I'm having this perfect vacation time because I've got the insurance money after my my house went on fire.
-Funny you say that! I'm here because my house was destroyed by flooding and I got the insurance.
There is silence for a time then the lawyer speaks:
-Ok I give up. How did you start the flooding?
AlladinSane
Well-Known Member
What's the product of the crossing between a Whore and a Lawyer?
Something that sucks your dick 'til it drains all your blood out.
Something that sucks your dick 'til it drains all your blood out.
Altron
Well-Known Member
The Pope dies and goes to Heaven.
He meets god
God takes him to his house, a small cottage next to a huge mansion.
He asks "Who lives in the mansion"
God says "A lawyer"
The pope askes 'Why does he get a huge mansion. I spent my entire life going around helping people and doing othere pope-ish stuff, and he is only a lawyer"
God says 'We've got lots of popes in heaven, but only one lawyer"
He meets god
God takes him to his house, a small cottage next to a huge mansion.
He asks "Who lives in the mansion"
God says "A lawyer"
The pope askes 'Why does he get a huge mansion. I spent my entire life going around helping people and doing othere pope-ish stuff, and he is only a lawyer"
God says 'We've got lots of popes in heaven, but only one lawyer"
Squiggy
ThunderDick
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal
car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly
Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't
know.This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and
he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get
married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the
eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are
we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in
Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the
ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly
Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't
know.This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and
he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get
married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the
eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are
we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in
Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the
ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
