Military jokes...

Jeslek

Jeslek

Banned
Post your military jokes! I will take a stab at the Air Force first:

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "Cockpit filthy...not fit for pigs"
Solution: "Cockpit now fit for pigs"

:D
 
My dad served in Vietnam in 1967. One day out of sheer bordom him and a couple of buddies asked permission to go out and patrol the perimeter of the base to look for a sniper that had been picking someone off in the camp every couple of days. They were granted permission and headed out. After a couple of hours of humping through the bush they decided to stop and have a bite to eat. One of the men took note of the unusual silence that had befallen the surrounding jungle. They all sat still and listened intently. Straining against the eerie silence they began to hear a faint and distant rumbling sound. They all sat motionless listening intently as the distant rumble slowly became more apparent. One of the men radiod back to basecamp and asked if any enemy forces were thought to be in the area. Basecamp replied negative so he informed the camp of their situation and said they would radio back with additional details. After a few minutes which seemed like much longer, basecamp radiod back to the men and asked if they had details. By this time the distant rumble had grown to an omnipresent rumble that could be felt under their feet. They replied no additional details only that whatever it was, it was big. Basecamp said they could hear it now and asked the men to return to base immidiately as the camp would be rolling out within a matter of minutes. The four men quickly came to the decision that they would not be moving out, that instead they would dig in and pick as many off as possible and radio any valuable information they could back to camp. The CO back at camp was reluctant but realized the importance of knowing just what enemy forces were in the area so he granted the men permission to what amounted almost certianly to suicide. The men quickly set up a defensive position as the rumble grew to an overwhelming roar. Each man lay on the damp vibrating jugle floor straining to see against the thick wall of bush that curtianed their vision of the approaching monster and contemplating the idea of getting up and running like hell. But it was to late, it was upon them. Fifty meters ahead of them they witnessed the the jugle wall collapsing beneath the weight of 50,000 oncoming water buffalo. The men all stared at each other rather dumbfouned and then jumped up simultaneously and halled ass to what was the only tree big enough to hide behide. The tree was only about 10" think so each man line up behind it one after the other as this onslought of buffalo passed. None of them could stop laughing on the way back to camp.
 
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