New Improved bulletproof Signature v.3.5

The Mother of all Disclaimers:

The preceding is intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to factual information is purely coincidental. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Slightly funnier west of the Mississippi. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substaintial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your cancelled check is your recipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. This supersedes all previous notices.
 
Rebuilding and combining...
The preceding is intended for entertainment purposes only and may or may not be the author's actual opinion at the time the message may or may not have been posted and may or may not continue to be or not be the author's opinion for an indefinite length of time in the future and/or past and is subject to change and/or stay the same with or without regard to the reader's acceptance and/or approval, with or without advance or subsequent notice, at any time and for any and/or no reason whatsoever. Submissions to the author must be in writing and will not be returned unless accompanied by self-addressed stamped envelope. No changes will be made to the author's opinions on the basis that the reader's are better, because they aren't. No attempt should be made to find reason in anything the author authors nor should the author's authorings be compared to reality because reality does not exist. Any reality that is found to exist will be rejected and substituted with the author's. Actual mileage may or may not vary. Should not be consumed by pregnant women or those with heart conditions. Contents of message have been shown by the State of California to cause cancer in laboratory animals. No animals that anyone at the ASPCA cares about were harmed during the posting of this message. Shown with optional equipment. Any similarity to actual persons, opinions, or facts, living or dead, real or imaginary, may or may not be purely coincidental. Opinions may or may not settle during reading and may or may not be slippery when wet. May or may not be too intense for some readers. Not recommended for children. Use only in well-ventilated area. If a well-ventilated area is not available, use in a small enclosed space. Keep away from fire or flame unless properly equipped or covered with volatile substances. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Use only as directed. Seek medical attention if erection lasts longer than four hours especially if your doctor is a hot member of the opposite sex and/or gender. Apply only to affected area. Avoid contact with skin. No other warranty expressed or implied. No user-serviceable parts inside. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Dispose of batteries properly. Due to printing limitations, colors depicted may not exactly match actual colors. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Freshest if used before date posted on top of message. One size fits most. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. If found, drop in any mailbox. If lost, ask for directions. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental, consequential, directly consequential, indirectly incidental, or incidentally consequential damages resulting from any defect, error, or failure to perform. Employees and their families are not eligible. You must be present to win. Winners will be notified by mail. No purchase necessary. To enter without purchase, you may request an entry form by mail by sending $250 for postage and handling to the address below. Additional terms and conditions may or may not apply. Contains nuts. Processed in a facility that processes nuts. Reproduction strictly prohibited. For best results, first pull up, then pull down. This supersedes all previous notices. Subject to change without notice. Not valid in Papua New Guinea, Greenland, or Toronto. Void where prohibited. You may have additional rights which vary by jurisdiction. At participating locations only. Limited time offer. See store for details. Reading this disclaimer constitutes acceptance of this disclaimer. Beware of dog. Gesundheit.
 
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