Newfie.

K62

K62

New Member
3 people on death row are given the following choices of execution:
1 - By Hanging
2 - Firing Squad
3 - By injection of the Aids virus

The American selects Hanging and dies
The German selects the Firing Squad and "Bang" he dies
The Newfie selects the Aids injection. The guards proceed with the injection. The Newfie just laughs and says go ahead and give me another. A second injection follows and the Newfie laughs even more. "You idiots" he says to the guards, "I'm wearing a condom".
 
Haha, I like this one.

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we're officially declaring war on you hosers!"

Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is meself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbour Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. Dat makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Bloody hell bye", said Archie, "I'll have to be getting' back to ya then."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four guys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Roight then," said Archie, "I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "me and da byes all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch o' pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
Click to expand...
 
Professur said:
Don't be like that. You're not a real Newfie anywhat. Lived around those torontonians too long.
Click to expand...

I was just playing...I actually think the first one is one of the best newfie jokes I have ever heard (heard it many times but it never gets stupid) and the second gave me a chuckle too
 
It was a Newfie postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a loonie sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the loonie for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a buck."

The blonde then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
 
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