People in the closet

tonksy

tonksy

New Member
So I was thinking on this today as I was in a chat room with this woman who's husband came out to her 3 years ago but they still live like a married couple as he is a pastor....and I'm thinking that I couldn't do it.

1. I couldn't live the lie of pretending to be something I am not.

and

2. I couldn't play along while the man that is suppose to love me as a husband loves a wife is really longing to be with men.

What do you think makes people live a life of suppressed misery just to keep up some appearance of whitebread normalcy?
 
Gee, I don't know. Having hoards of people label you as a sinner/evil/freak/pervert/sicko/wart on society's neck/unfit as a human being/unworthy of love etc might have something to do with it. :shrug:
 
So you would be willing to be miserable and in denial for the rest of your life because of the way some stranger may react to you?
 
I am always so happy when I hear about people who were strong enough to come out of the closet. I feel bad for the people who aren't strong enough to do so. It's not fair how society treats these people...

Would I beable to live a lie like that woman? No. I wouldn't out him if he didn't wanna be outted but I wouldn't continue to pretend we had a happy marriage either, I'd have to leave...and just make up an excuse WHY if he didn't wanna come out.
 
I know, right? Because because of his fear he is gipping her out of a healthy happy marriage. Sigh....she seems fine with it so to each his own, I guess.
 
tonksy said:
I know, right? Because because of his fear he is gipping her out of a healthy happy marriage. Sigh....she seems fine with it so to each his own, I guess.
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Maybe she thinks he'll "stop being gay" or something... she may not know it but deep inside that's probably what she's hoping. She loves him, it's easier to hope that everything will once again become happy with him than it is to leave and look for someone else :(
 
She seems to want him to come out. She says she is supporting him. I have another theory:
Perhaps, since they are rather involved in organized religion, he was the only lover she had ever had and, seeing as how he is gay, the sex was rather....pleasureless for both of them. Now that he has come out to her I bet it has stopped and she may be glad of it. So she has a husband that is the breadwinner that requires no sexual gratification from her.

It's a shame but tons of women would be pleased with such a deal. I would be distraught.
 
tonksy said:
She seems to want him to come out. She says she is supporting him. I have another theory:
Perhaps, since they are rather involved in organized religion, he was the only lover she had ever had and, seeing as how he is gay, the sex was rather....pleasureless for both of them. Now that he has come out to her I bet it has stopped and she may be glad of it. So she has a husband that is the breadwinner that requires no sexual gratification from her.

It's a shame but tons of women would be pleased with such a deal. I would be distraught.
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Yeah I hadn't given that a thought...for me no sex would be a DEAL BREAKER! I guess if she doesn't know how good it can be though she may not think she's missing anything.
 
tonksy said:
So you would be willing to be miserable and in denial for the rest of your life because of the way some stranger may react to you?
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It´s not the stranger´s reactions though is it? It´s the friends you grew up with, close family, etc. It seems to me that coming out in a staunchly christian community gets you excommunicated.
 
tonksy said:
So you would be willing to be miserable and in denial for the rest of your life because of the way some stranger may react to you?
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I wouldn't, but it's easy to empathize with those that would. Facing being ostracized from everything you know and care about is a powerful incentive.

Here's my question; if he believes what he preaches then he seriously believes he's going to burn in hell, doesn't he?
 
She said that he has been looking into a transfer to a more progressive church. She also mentioned that the ones he did find were tolerant of his gayness provided he did not act upon it....and judging from the fact that he did not accept a position with those churches I am led to believe that he wants to find a church where he can act upon it. Therefore I would imagine that burning in hell isn't his main concern.

About the coming out thing:
I know that I am a rather selfish individual when it comes to my feelings and that most people aren't the same way. I personally don't give a shit what anyone thinks of what I do....well, beyong Rob and my children. I do know that I am straight....I would like to experiment if it ever occured in a safe, convenient way but what are the odds of that? In my mind, if I am comfortable saying that I would be comfortable coming out. I just can't wrap my head around going against my desires to please society, again probably my selfishness.
I really wish that it could be an easy transition for folks.
 
His church might actually be tolerant of it if he came out. Having thoughts of sin and confessing them without having actually acting upon them is supposed to be a forgivable offense. Hate the sin, love the sinner... or is it: hate the hipocracy, love the hipocryte.
 
if my husband came out to me, i would hope he'd talk to me about it, and i'd try to divorce amicably... more because i'd want us both to find someone we could be happy with in a romantic or sexual way. i'd be completely flabberghasted, probably, but i'd want to work things out as well as possible and hopefully remain friends with him.

the church angle of it, though, i'm not sure what to do about. i'd probably just resign, and leave town to start over.
 
a lot of people are in that kind of situation, though. a lot of customers my fiance used to see at the porn store he used to work at were gay married men... gone there to try to meet guys.



if i were married, i'd hope to god my husband would have the decency as a human being to fucking talk to me if that was an issue.
 
Starya said:
Gee, I don't know. Having hoards of people label you as a sinner/evil/freak/pervert/sicko/wart on society's neck/unfit as a human being/unworthy of love etc might have something to do with it. :shrug:
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tonksy said:
So you would be willing to be miserable and in denial for the rest of your life because of the way some stranger may react to you?
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Where did I imply I would be willing to do this? You asked for reasons why people live like this. I don't live like that. As for those who DO, my answer provides possible reasons.
 
Nixy said:
Yeah I hadn't given that a thought...for me no sex would be a DEAL BREAKER! I guess if she doesn't know how good it can be though she may not think she's missing anything.
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You have no idea how disappointed that comment makes me.


For me, this man is worthless scum. You want to be gay .. fine and dandy, off you go. But he's taking money and support from a congregation that evidently doesn't condone what he thinks himself to be. The moment he decided he was to 'be' gay... he needed to walk away. He didn't. That makes him a thief, a liar, and a coward in my book.
 
So much for the hate "hate the sin not the sinner"-idea. Not to mention all those who claim homosexuality can be "cured". Actually he sounds like someones poster boy. Gay but living in a marriage with a woman? Wee! If he can do it so can you! Live life like a healthy hetero! *barf*

As for his congregation: if they live by the "hate the sin not the sinner"-rule I don't see the problem, unless he's screwing around outside of his marriage - which would be a nono whether his screwee is Lisa or Chuck. As long as he doesn't live out his homosexual tendensies, his church might be just fine with it. If he and his wife consider this a challenge God placed in their life, then it's all their business, no one elses. She made the choice to continue living with him. If that's works for her, then good for her.
 
Starya said:
Where did I imply I would be willing to do this? You asked for reasons why people live like this. I don't live like that. As for those who DO, my answer provides possible reasons.
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To be honest, you sounded so angry in your original post I didn't know how to take it :shrug:
 
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