greenfreak
New Member
I think I need some friendly advice...
Many, many years ago, I went out with this guy in my ambulance corps. Our relationship didn't last long, only a few months. We broke up because his ex girlfriend started hanging around, telling him she wanted him back together and he was a wuss about it, not standing up to her. He didn't have the balls enough to say that he was with me now. (or so I thought)
Then I found out while we were 'on the rocks' but not 'broken up' that he had sex with her. He tried to say that he thought we had broken it off, but in the end he admitted that that was just an excuse. I had a few choice words for him, made sure he understood that it was REALLY over now and left it at that.
We still worked together at the corps so we were civil and over the years, all of that was forgotten. We became friends again, part of a larger group of people our age and it stayed that way for years.
A couple of years ago, he tried to commit suicide. He took an OD of pills for various reasons, problems with his wife (who was also a friend of mine) and finanical problems. He survived but things continued to fall apart. He and his wife got a divorce (she was very spiteful and took him for all he was worth), he went into debt and had to move back in with his parents, and start all over again.
During this time, I was working a full time job and going to school full time at night. Many nights after coming home from school at 11pm, exhausted, I would find him waiting for me in front of my house. I would never turn him away, I was so afraid he would try to commit suicide again. We would talk for hours. He would call me a lot, tell me how his therapy was going... I have to say I was damn good support for him.
He recovered nicely, got a new job, things were going better. That's when he stopped calling. I saw and heard from him more seldom until it was months between contact. I had just met Rusty before all this happened so I was busy in my own life but when I realized what was happening, I let it go. I figured if the friendship was only one of convenience for him, that I didn't need that and I made no effort to contact him.
I got an email from him today, over 2 years later. I had visited the ambulance corps out of the blue last week so I figured someone mentioned to him that I was there but he says no, that it's just a coincidence. He said he's been trying to "build up the courage" to contact me. When I asked why, this is what he said:
"It goes back about 2 years ago...when I was still in "a bad place". I promised myself I wasn't going to call unless I have good news. Over the last year I've had good news, but was nervous about calling."
Notice the use of the word "I".
I emailed him back and pretty much told him (in my own blunt, tactless way) that whatever his reasons may be, I feel like he's only around when he needs something and that I thought he's been pretty selfish. That I only have two friends in my life that I put any energy into; Rusty and my best friend Bobbi. That if he's looking for a friendship of convenience on his terms, I'm not into that.
He knows me well enough to expect that kind of response (which is probably why he had to 'build up' the courage to email) so I'm not completely ok with what I've already said. I'm just unsure of my next response. Our friendship hasn't been all bad, we've had some good times. There were times that I needed him and he was there, he helped me to find an Al-Anon group and work through my issues with alcoholism in my family and my ex boyfriend. We were tight for some years.
But the negative stuff I think about him seems to be more prevalent than the good stuff. I don't know if that's because of my tendency to hold grudges or if it's because my gut is telling me not to bother, that it's not worth it in this point of my life.
I could always just email him and not expend any other energy. It would keep me "in the know" about the corps and what's happening there since I'm not around all that much anymore. It doesn't take much to email and I like to type.
Maybe an "email only" friendship? Or just keep the ties cut and blow it off? Or just not contact him all that much and see if he persists in trying to form a friendship, validating that he's changed?
What do you think? What would you do?
Many, many years ago, I went out with this guy in my ambulance corps. Our relationship didn't last long, only a few months. We broke up because his ex girlfriend started hanging around, telling him she wanted him back together and he was a wuss about it, not standing up to her. He didn't have the balls enough to say that he was with me now. (or so I thought)
Then I found out while we were 'on the rocks' but not 'broken up' that he had sex with her. He tried to say that he thought we had broken it off, but in the end he admitted that that was just an excuse. I had a few choice words for him, made sure he understood that it was REALLY over now and left it at that.
We still worked together at the corps so we were civil and over the years, all of that was forgotten. We became friends again, part of a larger group of people our age and it stayed that way for years.
A couple of years ago, he tried to commit suicide. He took an OD of pills for various reasons, problems with his wife (who was also a friend of mine) and finanical problems. He survived but things continued to fall apart. He and his wife got a divorce (she was very spiteful and took him for all he was worth), he went into debt and had to move back in with his parents, and start all over again.
During this time, I was working a full time job and going to school full time at night. Many nights after coming home from school at 11pm, exhausted, I would find him waiting for me in front of my house. I would never turn him away, I was so afraid he would try to commit suicide again. We would talk for hours. He would call me a lot, tell me how his therapy was going... I have to say I was damn good support for him.
He recovered nicely, got a new job, things were going better. That's when he stopped calling. I saw and heard from him more seldom until it was months between contact. I had just met Rusty before all this happened so I was busy in my own life but when I realized what was happening, I let it go. I figured if the friendship was only one of convenience for him, that I didn't need that and I made no effort to contact him.
I got an email from him today, over 2 years later. I had visited the ambulance corps out of the blue last week so I figured someone mentioned to him that I was there but he says no, that it's just a coincidence. He said he's been trying to "build up the courage" to contact me. When I asked why, this is what he said:
"It goes back about 2 years ago...when I was still in "a bad place". I promised myself I wasn't going to call unless I have good news. Over the last year I've had good news, but was nervous about calling."
Notice the use of the word "I".
I emailed him back and pretty much told him (in my own blunt, tactless way) that whatever his reasons may be, I feel like he's only around when he needs something and that I thought he's been pretty selfish. That I only have two friends in my life that I put any energy into; Rusty and my best friend Bobbi. That if he's looking for a friendship of convenience on his terms, I'm not into that.
He knows me well enough to expect that kind of response (which is probably why he had to 'build up' the courage to email) so I'm not completely ok with what I've already said. I'm just unsure of my next response. Our friendship hasn't been all bad, we've had some good times. There were times that I needed him and he was there, he helped me to find an Al-Anon group and work through my issues with alcoholism in my family and my ex boyfriend. We were tight for some years.
But the negative stuff I think about him seems to be more prevalent than the good stuff. I don't know if that's because of my tendency to hold grudges or if it's because my gut is telling me not to bother, that it's not worth it in this point of my life.
I could always just email him and not expend any other energy. It would keep me "in the know" about the corps and what's happening there since I'm not around all that much anymore. It doesn't take much to email and I like to type.
Maybe an "email only" friendship? Or just keep the ties cut and blow it off? Or just not contact him all that much and see if he persists in trying to form a friendship, validating that he's changed?
What do you think? What would you do?
Gato, it's cool, don't worry. 
