So NOW wtf do I do?

Spirit

Spirit

Kissy Goddess
I have no idea how to cope with these feelings I am having. I’m trying to rationalize, be logical, but unfortunately, my heart doesn’t always lead the logical path.

My common-law (Ian) was cheated on by his ex, which eventually (obviously) led to their divorce because she would not give this other guy up. She was Ian’s first love, he was a virgin till he met her – so I can understand that it was very hard on him. But she did things that were ugly. Her insides, to me, made her outside ugly, too. What woman leaves behind her children to be with another man?? To me, that’s inexcusable. But, nevertheless, she had (has) this… hold on him, and until last night, I guess I thought it didn’t exist anymore.

She had the kids for a couple of hours last night and when she dropped them off, she was all dressed up. She had some makeup on, a dress that showed off her cleavage. To a person who found her attractive, she probably looked pretty darn good. (I just don’t see it, but that don’t make it so).

Well, Ian very obviously thought she looked good. He got all tongue tied, forgot what he was saying, his eyes kept bouncing to her cleavage, he was flustered.

Now, I know he loves me. I know he would never do that purposely. He wouldn’t do it to be mean or hurtful, either. I think he just thought she looked beautiful and it caught him off guard, maybe?

Anyways, so now I feel so – sad. I feel…. hmm… hurt. That she has that over him still, hurts me and makes me feel…. Not jealous, not envious… I wish I knew exactly what so I can deal with it. But I don’t.

I’m no fool – I know that there are beautiful women out there that make men all goofy and that’s fine. But HER? Ok.. he still thinks she’s attractive – but after all she did to him?

I think what hurts is that she had that affect on him. I hate that she had that effect on him. I hate that she probably knows she had that affect on him while here I sit, on the couch, in my comfy loungewear with wet hair and no makeup. I hate that she comes over 2 - 4 times a week to get the kids and drop them off and he sees her and now to know that he still feels like that, makes it so much harder. I have another 13 yrs minimum of this. I have to cope. But I just can’t right now. She did such horribly shitty things, how can he still find her attractive?

God I hope this feeling goes away soon. I feel like I don’t want him to look at me right now.
 
So you knew about her going into this relationship
stop whining.
(she is way hotter than you, that's what you typed Right?)
On the otherhand...

His reaction to his ex is very disconcerting.

very
 
I wish I could tell you an easy way to get over it. I guess the only thing I can say is to talk to Ian about it. Don't hold this in and let it build into something that can't be resolved.
 
[long shot]I think you're just jealous and need to work on your self-esteem. I bet she did it on purpose just so she could see your reaction, she knew that he would be looking at her cleavage, because well, no man can help it. [/long shot]
 
It would be easy to chalk it up to the raging male libido. While it exists, simply writing it off to that might be an undersight.

All I can say is, remain vigilant. Know that she did this intentionally for reasons of her own that you cannot control or change. Know that he is not with her, he is with you. Possession is nine-tenths of the law.

First loves almost always occupy a special place in anyone's memory. They are idealized beyond reality. I know I don't want to happen across mine. She hurt me badly, and although I still recall her positive traits, I am happy with the marriage I am in and have no desire to revisit the past.

Dealing with the emotional impact this had on you is...well, it's up to you. No one else can tell you how to feel about it, about him, about her, or anything else. In time, your other instincts will put it in its proper perspective. Let that happen and act accordingly. If alarm bells are still ringing this time next week, maybe it's time for a nice long chat with him about it. If your suspicions decline, then maybe there was no real cause for alarm in the first place. I would suggest that you not confront him right now. He could very easily get the wrong signal in twenty different ways, and that could create a problem in an otherwise healthy relationship. If it persists in your mind, though, you owe it to him and to your relationship to let him know.

Best of luck with it.
 
PT said:
I wish I could tell you an easy way to get over it. I guess the only thing I can say is to talk to Ian about it. Don't hold this in and let it build into something that can't be resolved.
Click to expand...


don't keep it in!
 
OK, so his ex is a game playing bitch. You knew that.

Seems to me you only have to resolve one issue. Do you trust him. Is your relationship solid enough so that it doesn't matter where his eyes go, or is it really possible that he's going to bail on you (with her or someone else)?

If it's the former, chalk it up to the fact that men are pigs and move on. If it's the latter, time to talk it out.
 
The truth hurts but dening it hurts more.

That Dude is either a cad or a doofus.
He's got a pregger Wife (they're married Right?) and he's leering down the dress
of his Ex?

This is the Guy that brings a nerd over and lets him stink up the potty and then sides with the stinker?

You don't need Ann Landers or Oprah to see where this is headed if he doesn't straighten up pronto!
 
Winky said:
So you knew about her going into this relationship
stop whining.
Click to expand...
Stop whining? Are you an asshole or are you just trying to play the part of one? Did you actually READ my post or skim it for something to piss on someone about?
Winky said:
Decide now how you will suport yourself when he
goes back to plookin' her! heh
Click to expand...
He wouldn't do that. I trust him implicitly. And I have and always will be self-supportive tyvm. What a shitty thing to say, Winky. Why are you being such an ass??

Luis - I'm not jealous of her at all. I just don't see what he sees I guess.

SNP - You hit the nail RIGHT ON the head. Everything. Thank you.
 
Step one, igonore winky

step 2 talk to him about it, remind him she is a jerk

step 3 ignore winky

step 4 look inside and see why you feel that way

step 5 ignore winky

step 6 have sex
 
If you trust him implicitly
then why are you upset?

And no I'm not an asshole

I just play one on OTC
 
Winky said:
If you trust him implicitly
then why are you upset?

And no I'm not an asshole

I just play one on OTC
Click to expand...

Ok. I know you're not - I was just surprised at your responses.

I do trust him. It's not that. I am hurt that he still carries a torch for this woman who put him through the mill. I know it's not realistic to believe that a man can only have ever had feelings of love for me - at my age, they all have hade thier first loves and those are the hardest to get over in most cases - I know that he has a past and I don't deny him any of it.

I've had a threesome with him and one of my girlfriends who is much prettier than me - has a nicer shape than me - but I didn't have a problem with that. I knew he was attracted to her and enjoyed himself for that moment. But I know he would never ever do anything to jeopardize US. Men leer - some on thier own time, some when thier spouses are there. That's not a huge issue for me. But that it was HER is what makes me feel so bad.

This won't ruin our relationship. I can't be the boss of anyones feelings and animalistic repsonses to them.

To be fair, I think she was going out somewhere with her boyfriend - I don't think she dolled up to be a bitch. But I do think she knew what it would do to Ian.

Oh well. I don't know. Maybe the more I talk about it the more I will come to terms with whatever it is that really is bothering me about this.
 
I'm sorry



I just get SO pissed off when guys act like "Assholes" heh heh heh

But then it IS in our nature ain't it?

"Dood if you are gonna pop a boner looking down yer ex's dress for God's sake don't do it in front of your current Wife?!?"

Dang I'm glad I spent all that time learnin' my Kid up on the basics of
"Winky's short course on how to deal with Wimens"

well OK He got the long course...
 
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