The Mood Ring:
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The Water Pistol:
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother,
he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the
nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm
surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with
water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Half Price:
US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied
their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR
department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used
the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still
pouring in asking, "What trip?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Life after Death:
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you
left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to
see you."
-------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?" Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down?
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "curse" he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you
will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."
================================================
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request,
dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months
after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Joe." "But I thought you
hated Joe," she said. With his last breath, John said, "I do!"
===================================================
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and persuades her to come back to his
hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man
you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before
replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
=================================================
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The
man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this,
asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm
certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers,
"Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll
let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I
spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want
my advice?" The man said, "Yes." The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"
(say it out loud)
