Teens and rights of passage.

Part of it is because I don't want my kids to do the things I did, I don't want them to use the drugs I did, or to do some of the other things I did. The thing is, if I hadn't done them, I wouldn't know what it was like, and I want them to have somewhat the same morals I have, but I don't want them to have to experience what I did to get to this point in my life to get them.

I guess I look at it this way, if I had never met an ex-addict to help me through my addictions, I don't think I would have ever taken them seriously, because they couldn't possibly KNOW what it was like. It really bothers me when I see substance abuse counselers that have never been addicted to anything, they can't know what it is like to have that Need in your life.

I think all kids are going to do things that their parents tell them not to, I'm just still working on figuring out the happy medium between being and ultra disciplinarian, and being cool enough to have my kids come to me when they need birth control, bail money, etc.. I think I'm there so far, it's just a hard line to follow, you have to be the authoritarian, but if you are too tough, you run the risk of alienating them completely.

I had a friend in High School that I hung out with alot, he had parents that were in their late 50's then. They had an older son that was killed in a car wreck about 6 years before. They were so strict with him that when he finally did get out of the house he moved 500 miles away and became an instant junkie. They finally corraled him back home after about 2 years, and I don't know what happened to him after that, but it was his parents very strict behavior that pushed him away.
 
PuterTutor said:
Sometimes I think I'm a hypocrite for doing so, but then I tell myself that just because I turned out ok, doesn't mean that they will.
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Oh, what mean comments I could make there, but won't :)
 
I think that you need a certain amount of external discipline when they are young, but that you need to teach them "self-respect" and "self-discipline" by showing them that you love and respect them and their opinions and are always ready to talk things through and negotiate as they get older. Children learn by example and if you're a bad example then they will be too.

I think it's the parents who cannot put aside the authoritarianism (control) and accept that their children are growing up and have minds of their own who have the greatest difficulties. I know my sister has had difficulty with this, but she learnt it from my mother and is unfortunately far more like her than she would ever admit. I also think that some parents have an unrealistic view of what parenthood entails and when to stop interfering in the affairs of their children and just let them get on with it. After all the generally accepted view is that we learn through our own mistakes and not those of others, however loving and well-meaning.
 
PT said:
I think I'm a hypocrite for doing so,
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Those who learn from their mistakes & attempt to help othres not make them are teachers. Hypocrites are those who say do as I say, not as I do
 
Gonz said:
PT said:
I think I'm a hypocrite for doing so,
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Those who learn from their mistakes & attempt to help othres not make them are teachers. Hypocrites are those who say do as I say, not as I do
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gonz i thank you for that post as it was basically what myself,ards, and auntie were saying but we couldnt find the right words not that aunties and ards werent poignant just this was the best way to say it. puter as we said its one thing that you did it and dont want them to feel badly later nor have regrets, but its another when you still do it and say not to. it takes a lot of discipline to get off any addiction. better to get off and tryt to help others get off any kind of addiction before it ruins theyre life. thats why your not a hypocrite.
 
oh and puter one more thing. dont mistake hypocrisy for good parenting. your in the latter. not hypocrite.
 
I do know that, I really do think I'm a good parent, but my point is this. How can we expect them to just trust us when we say not to do it, when I know in my teenage years, I wouldn't have trusted what they said if they told me the sky was blue. I think a certain amount of this they just have to learn on their own. They have to make their own mistakes, and we have to sit back and watch, and try our best not to give them the "I told you so" speech when they do.
 
you do that huh gonz? PT, my parents always said well thats what happens(euphemism for told you) but they were always supportive. i knew theyd be there for me when i needed them. thats all that matters. glad you think your a good parent. we hav pmed about a situation your son was in. though id rather he learend it, its better to do what you did and you know what im talking about.(im trying to keep it basically between us). but remember you did the right thing there. thats good parenting. your not a hypocrite. but kids will experiment. thats what they do. all parents really can do is love their kids.
 
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