Kerry Replaces Edwards with Saddam Hussein
In a surprise move, John Kerry announced the replacement of John Edwards as his running mate. While not reported in major news media, polls showed that a Kerry-Edwards ticket would lose to Bush-Cheney. Feeling the pressure to find a candidate who matched his own views and global outlook, Kerry turned to Saddam Hussein to replace Edwards.
"It was a very close call between Saddam and Senator Clinton," a rejuvenated Kerry told reporters at a press conference. "After hours of discussion in McDonald's with my new campaign manager, Michael Moore, it was determined that Saddam was more appealing than Hillary," he added. "Besides, the French love Saddam as much as they love me, so it seemed like a natural choice."
While it might seem impossible to have Saddam be his running mate from an Iraqi prison, Kerry has apparently already put the wheels in motion to get Saddam out. Michael Moore is in the process of releasing a documentary that will prove Saddam Hussein is merely the scapegoat for hundreds of thousands of murders, tortures and rapes that were actually committed by George W. Bush instead.
Moore has shocking footage that will link Bush to Saddam's atrocities as far back as the 1980's. Apparently, Bush's father's former business partner was on the board of a company that invested in a firm that did research for a French company that sold chemicals to Iraq that were used to gas 100,000 Kurds. Editing eleven scenes together over a 23-year period clearly gives the impression that it was George W. Bush who ordered the use of chemical weapons against the Kurds, not Saddam.
The Kerry campaign is confident that this and other new evidence will allow for an immediate release of Saddam Hussein. As compensation to John Edwards for removing him from the ticket, Kerry is allowing the former trial lawyer to sue the United States and all Coalition forces for $100 billion on Saddam's behalf for false imprisonment. Edwards has already proposed a settlement that would avoid a trial. The lawsuit would be dropped in exchange for allowing Edwards to run another U.N. oil-for-food program in Iraq. Legal analysts estimate that Edwards would likely make more money scamming the oil-for-food program, so the Coalition countries are unlikely to settle.
The New York Times is already projecting Kerry as the next president based on this bold new move. No one hates George W. Bush more than Saddam Hussein, and the Times believes that journalists and other Bush-haters now have someone they can relate to on a personal level. Plus, why would terrorists attack a country run by another terrorist? Kerry will "one-up" Spain and put a terrorist in office to prevent future attacks.
Whoopi Goldberg, the entertainer who recently used vulgar expletives to degrade President Bush at a Kerry/Edwards fundraiser, said "No @#*#($ way! Saddam is on the #$()$*# ticket? That's #)(*#$ great! I can't believe the #)*$# Democrats finally #)(*#$ got it right and chose a %)($%)( candidate who #)(*$#$# appeals to the #$)(*$ heart and soul of this #()*#$ country!" She added "President Bush is a #)(#*$# who #@)*#$@ and deserves #@)(*#$@ and #)(*#$@ from a #)*@#$ and @)#*$#$ with some #)*#@$@#." When told of Whoopi's comments, Kerry commented "That Whoopi really represents the core values of this country. She is the embodiment of what it means to be a Kerry supporter."
Presidential candidate, Ralph Nader, was furious over the announcement. Nader was preparing to remove Green Party member, Peter Camejo, as his VP candidate and replace him with Saddam Hussein after the Green Party refused to nominate Nader as their candidate. Nader is reportedly spending his current campaign funds searching out Osama bin Laden to put him on the Nader ticket. The Kerry Campaign believes this ploy will backfire for Nader, since it is clear from Michael Moore's most recent film that George W. Bush has strong ties to Osama bin Laden and his family. Voters are likely to see Osama bin Laden as just another George W. Bush in an election.
