Twilight Makes for the Best Fanwank Ever
Yesterday's release of Twilight made certain that your weekend will be filled with the sound of screaming tweeny fangirl hordes, an auditory experience that the movie's lead actor Robert Pattinson described as "terrifying ... like the sound you hear at the gates of hell." It would be easy to hate these creepy, utterly mediocre books and the phenomenon they've spawned — but I think you'll find it's even easier just to throw your head back and laugh. Next to the fangirl hordes are even bigger crowds of "lolfans," and they are here to remind us that Twilight has truly given us the greatest gift of all: oodles and oodles of hilarious, sardonic ass-kickery from people on the internet.
Actually, you don't even have to go to internet fandom for some of the most entertaining critiques of Stephenie Meyer's work — Pattinson himself got the jump on everyone by mocking the series himself in an interview with Empire magazine (published in their October issue).
"When you read the book," says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, "it's like, 'Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.' I mean, every line is like that. He's the most ridiculous person who's so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn't do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that's how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he's a 108-year-old virgin so he's obviously got some issues there."
In another video interview with E!Online, Pattinson speaks frankly of Meyer, and proves to wish-fulfillment authors everywhere that he's got their number.
When I read it ... I was convinced that Stephenie was convinced that she was Bella, and ... it was like it was a book that wasn't supposed to be published, like reading her — her sort of sexual fantasy about some — especially when she says that it was based on a dream, and it's like, "Oh, then I had a dream about this really sexy guy" and she just writes this book about it, and there's some things about Edward that are just so specific that ... I was just convinced that this woman is mad, she's completely mad, and she's in love with her own fictional creation. And I sometimes ... feel uncomfortable reading this thing, and I think a lot of people feel the same way, that it's kind of voyeuristic ... It creates this sick pleasure in a lot of ways.
Author and blogger Cleolinda Jones compiled several much-read commentaries on each of the Twilight books at her LiveJournal, and they're a joy to read — even more so than Meyer's bad-fanfiction-esque prose. (In case you're interested, her wiki works quite well as a Twilight guide for dummies — er, in this case, the lucky uninitiated.)
Previously on As the Vampire Sparkles, emoteen Bella Swan moves to a tiny little depressing rainy town and won't shut up about it. There she meets a mysterious boy who turns out to be a 100+ year-old vampire who literally sparkles "like diamonds" in direct sunlight and reads minds (but not hers), and after three hundred pages of Bella wondering why he's so mean to her and why he's so weird and why he's not being mean to her anymore and what his deal is and if he likes her and if he actually loves her and how much he loves her and how he could possibly love as someone as Mary Sue plain and boring and clumsy as she is and if his vampire family will like her, a plot finally shows up, but it doesn't last very long. And then they go to prom. In the second book, Edward the sparkling vampire leaves Bella for her own good, and she spends most of the book trying to kill herself with motorcycles and cliff-diving. Sort of. And then her best friend falls in love with her and turns out to be a werewolf, but Bella runs away to save Edward from committing suicide by public sparkling in Italy. In the third book, Jacob the best friend/boyfriend wannabe/werewolf turns into a total asshole trying to force himself on Bella, and a vampire with a grudge from the first book is trying to kill her, but more importantly, Bella and Edward argue about whether they should have sex, get married, and/or vampirize Bella, and in what order.
Hand to God, I did not make one word of that up. Twilight means never having to say you're kidding.
After posting a scathing, funny, and dead-on accurate review of the series ("Twilight Sucks, and Not in a Good Way"), blogger Kellen Rice of PSA received the obligatory hate mail from crazed Twilight fans. They told her she, too, should write a bestselling YA fantasy series before having the gall to critique one, so she posted a write-your-own-Twilight instruction manual with some truly memorable tips.
Do not research. It is not necessary to waste time getting biology facts, cultural lore, or cultural history correct. For example, if you choose to set your novel in a real-life place, don't bother visiting it. If you incorporate the ideas of another culture, such as that of the Sioux Native Americans, absolutely do not speak to any Sioux elders or Sioux scholars-as the author, you have no responsibility to accurately portray anything. Instead, take what history you can find out on the Internet and feel free to bastardize their cultural lore so that it fits into your story. Also, if you decide to use science to explain some of your fantasy elements, don't bother making it logically or factually sound.
MSN Movies posted a copy of "Twilight": The Lost Script, and clicking through it is cheaper and less time-consuming than seeing the movie — though it may be just as hilarious.
EDWARD: You are a magnificent flower and the sweet cherry atop my ... more life's sundae. Marry me and your life will be distilled bliss, for I do not eat food that requires cooking, and I am rich enough that your chemistry grade matters not a whit.
BELLA: Um, let's not talk about what you eat.
EDWARD: Your wish is my command, fragrant blossom.
BELLA: I don't understand how you can say that. I'm just a plain, awkward girl who needs to strap herself to the commode so she doesn't fall off. Accident-prone is my middle name.
EDWARD: I will sneak into your bathroom and offer my steady, marble-like arms as your supports. No harm shall come to you, my pet.
New York Magazine has a slideshow of 28 reasons Twilight the movie is better than Twilight the book, and most of them just involve endless — and totally justified — sarcastic slagging on the book. This list is a significant achievement, though, given that this series practically mocks itself.
At no point in the movie does this scene occur.
"You ... made ... me ... faint," I accused him dizzily.
"What am I going to do with you?" he groaned in exasperation. "Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!"
I laughed weakly, letting his arms support me while my head spun.
"So much for being good at everything," he sighed.
"That's the problem." I was still dizzy. "You're too good. Far, far too good."
Also, this scene was cut, thank God.
"Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk," he quoted with a chuckle. I could smell the unbearably sweet fragrance coming off his chest.
"Drunk?" I objected.
"You're intoxicated by my very presence." He was grinning that playful smirk again.
"I can't argue with that," I sighed. There was no way around it; I couldn't resist him in anything.
In general, we're just so relieved that the movie did away with most of the 1,000 scenes in which basically this exact thing happens:
Bella: Don't go!
Edward: I should go, but I can't.
Bella: I am happy!
Edward: You're an idiot for being happy.
Bella: You are still totally gorgeous OMG OMG.
Fiction editor Yoni featured Twilight for her Bad Book Month column, where she presented a full numeric breakdown of the book's flaws. Be sure to check out the full list at her LiveJournal; it is detailed, eye-opening, and what the internet whiz kids might call "LOLarious."
Number of Pages in the Book: 498
The First Hint of a Plot that Is Not Bella and Edward's Romance: page 328
When the Plot Actually Arrives: page 372
Boys that Totally Love Bella (Including Edward Cullen): 5
Approximate Amount of Time Bella and Edward are Romantically Involved Before Bella Is Begging Edward to Turn Her into a Vampire so They Can Be Together Forever: Like, two weeks. Maybe three. The timeline's a bit fuzzy.
References to Edward's Beauty: 165
USA Today blithely invited a storm of wank from every literary spec fic nerd out there when they asked, "What's better, the 'Twilight' series or 'Harry Potter'?" That insulting question drew comment from the likes of Peter Parker ("Twilight is why MJ and I aren't married anymore"), Harvey Dent ("You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself read Twilight"), Yoda ("Bullshit the Twilight series is, and stupid you are"), Bristol Palin ("Twilight increases teen pregnancy"), and even Jane Austen ("Bitch, please"). One concerned citizen even suggested that Stephenie Meyer was a Skrull — that would explain a lot, wouldn't it?
All right, so you're convinced: the Twilight series is a festival of badness. As far as Twilight internet fandom is concerned, however, "bad" can very easily become "so bad it's good." It may have put a hardcover and a sticker on some truly unworthy literature — not to mention green-lighting a film that embarrasses its own actors — but the publishing industry will not have the last laugh.
