Advice...

[Justintime]

My old girl Sandra is moving back to town, shes really wanting to restart US. Thing is.. she cheated on me the first time in a 2 year relationship, she was working in ireland (her homeplace). Since then (almost a year i guess since we broke up) shes had a reform, been delving back deep into religon and claims to be totally a different person. I have STRONG feelings for her still, even stronger now shes coming back but i don't know if i can trust her anymore, what'd you do in my situaton? ?( Shes coming by either tomorrow or Friday, and i'm really at a loss as to what to do or say..

 

[PT]

If she's a totally different person, do you really think you're still interested? Give it a go, at least it's sex.

 

[Justintime]

I don't know how different she means, i think she means with the no cheating and our love bond is so... well.. strong that i don't think i can use her for sex alone, we shared more than i shared with anyone ever in my life..

 

[Justintime]

Oh, and when i say strong, i mean strong enough that i once contemplated in asking her to marry me.

 

[PT]

Well, you're young, give it a go. Just be sure to get to know who she is now, and if you still like her before you let it get too serious. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, you won't be quite so surprised and depressed, hopefully.

 

[Justintime]

Gotta think, guess we'll know when i actually see her.

 

[Luis G]

dude, what do you think will stop her from doing it again?

Accepting her is like screaming: "cheat on me, play with me, do whatever you want, no matter what, i'll forgive you"

 

[Gonz]

Go into this with both eyes wide open. You know your history. You don't know the "new & improved" Sandra. A year can be enough time to begin to change a person around your age. She may be an entirely different human these days.

I'd say, "come around & we'll see how it works." DO NOT expect anything.

 

[greenfreak]

In my experience, people don't change, especially cheaters. I had a cheater/alcoholic I went back to and sorely regretted it. I wouldn't do it, I would move on. But that's just me.

 

[Mia Wallace]

A look at the flip-side...

In my late teens/early twenties, I had cheated on a boyfriend...we had been together for a little over two years. There was nothing wrong with our relationship, we were very close and the best of friends. We even talked about getting married after we finished college. Why I cheated him? To this day, I still can't figure it out...I was young and stupid. To make a long story short, I got caught, we broke up. I suffered a great loss and learned from it. I will never-ever-ever again cheat on another boyfriend. Point being - maybe your ex learned the same lesson I did. There's hope.

 

[Gato_Solo]

Forgive, but do not forget, because that leaves you open for the same kind of thing a second time around. A couple of sayings go well with this type of situation.

1. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

2. A cat can be caught in almost any trap...once.

Just keep your head up and your eyes open.

 

[Justintime]

Thanks for all the replies, its looking like tonight is the night, she texted me a few minutes ago saying she's bringing the wine Luis i know how you feel on the subject, but if you remember she was really remorseful at the time she did it, and was begging me for weeks to reconsider, she could've kept it to herself that she cheated and i'd have not been the wiser, but she came clean, i think thats what is helping me to hold some faith.

 

[halamikage]

Personally, I wouldn't do it! gf got it right. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Howe'er, I don't know what kind of history you've had together. Just see how tonight goes and maybe a few more dates before you actually make a decision. It would be devasting to get hurt a second time.

 

[Leslie]

remember she was really remorseful at the time she did it, and was begging me for weeks to reconsider

that's not exactly how I remember it...

you know how I feel about it too...learn from my experience man...I'm with the ladies here.

 

[Shadowfax]

shes had a reform, been delving back deep into religon and claims to be totally a different person.

sorry to say, but when people say something like that, i'm a bit sceptic to start with. people don't become a totally different person. true, people can change, but not within a year, and even more sorry to say that religion is one of the most weak excuses to say you've changed.
if people really want to become a better person, they will change their character in a certain way or try to do good, or at least less bad things. of course they can become more stronger believers, but that doesn't make their REAL 'them' change.

I have STRONG feelings for her still, even stronger now shes coming back but i don't know if i can trust her anymore, what'd you do in my situaton?

the first line is already a HUGE warning. be careful justin. she'll probably know when you still have strong feelings for her, and according to what you said, she's not the best person to be around with when she notices that.

i'd only meet her if you're convinced that you can see her and still remain objective, and can keep a bit of a distance between the two of you....don't have too much wine, otherwise you could be creating a situation you don't want to be in.

 

[never2muchRAM]

i think you should give it another go, but keep your eyes wide open like everyone's saying. you say she did confess to you, and it wasnt you catching her cheating right? that counts for something. it was one time, right? that counts for something, its not like a pattern of behavior. just know that it could happen again, and take things slow. also, when the time is right, i would let her know on no uncertain terms that you are going to need to take this slow because of what went down before. she has got to be able to understand and respect that. but once you talk about it and get it out in the open. dont ever bring it up again (the cheating part, the taking things slow part is still fair game) dont "make her pay" by bringing it up all the time like some "get out of jail free card" you can use to your advantage in arguments, etc.

the most important reason you should do it:
when you look back at your life, do you really want to say to yourself, gosh what might have been if i wasnt too scared. at the very least, things wont work out and then you can close that chapter of your life and you'll have peace of mind knowing that hey, you did all you could do, if it didnt work out, its on her.

one rule i live my life by:
fear is not my master. fear will never tell me what i will and will not do.

now that doesnt mean to be naive, mind you, but i think you know what i mean.

 

[RD_151]

Yeah, ya gotta give it another try. What do you have to loose. You said it yourself, you still care for her, and not just a little. Better not trust her right away, that will take some more time. Also, play the game, make her pay for her mistakes. If you keep a distance and play the game, making sure she is the one who wants the relationship more, you will be in complelete control, and if it doesn't seem like it will work out, there is always the revenge angle. Ok, thats cruel, I'm sure that's the least of your concern, but if it were me, I'd be at least considering that option If she has changed, maybe you will both live happily ever after. If not, well, you could get even if nothing else. You have to try I think. Just be sure to keep your distance and don't get too attached for a while to make sure she has really changed.

Good luck man. I don't know how old she was then, but I'd guess if she was quite young, they she may really have changed quite a bit, and the revenge angle might not even be an issue. Just don't be dissapointed if you get burned again. Keep it on your terms so if anyone gets burned this time it's her!

 

[RD_151]

btw, be sure to listen to Never2, he's pretty good with this stuff

It seems to be his field. I know you remember the thread I'm glad I listened to him!!!

 

[Professur]

There are two types of people in the world. Those who will never change, and those who will.

Those who will never change will never change.
Those who will change can be guaranteed to change back.

Forgive if you will, Justin, but never forget.












Personally, I'll never understand forgiving in the first place.

 

[HomeLAN]

Thing is.. she cheated on me the first time in a 2 year relationship

That was all I had to read. Don't do it. All you're buying into is more bullshit.