Joke Box

MrBishop

MrBishop

Well-Known Member
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-oldgrandmother and
comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied 'He
had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and
even.Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive today if
that bloody ice cream van hadn't come along.
 
Professur

Professur

Well-Known Member
Three Holy Men and a Bear


A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in
Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week
for coffee and to talk shop.


One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people
isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to
preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided
to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods,
find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.


Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their
experience.


Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on
crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,
went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find
me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me
and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy
water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became
as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation."


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had
one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his
best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL,
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled
down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to
a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."


The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi,
who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and
traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He
was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said,
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best
way to start."
 
Inkara1

Inkara1

Well-Known Member
seal.gif
 
JTP

JTP

New Member
Old Man and Old Lady Boudreaux were sitting in their rocking chairs when he suddenly gets up and puts on his coat.
O.L.B.- "Where you goin'?"
O.M.B.- "Me, I'm going to the doctor, yeah."
O.L.B.- "Why, you feelin' bad?"
O.M.B.- "No, I'm going to get some of that Viagra I been hearin' about."
So, Old Lady Boudreaux gets up and puts on her shawl.
O.M.B.- "Now where you goin'?"
O.L.B.- "Me, I'm goin to the doctor, too yeah."
O.M.B.- "Why, you feelin poorly?"
O.L.B.- "No, but if you're goin to start usin that rusty old thing again, I'll be needin' a Tetanus Shot!"
 
Professur

Professur

Well-Known Member
Settling a cow case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
 
GrandCaravanSE

GrandCaravanSE

Active Member
Professur said:
Settling a cow case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
Click to expand...

:rofl4:
 
MrBishop

MrBishop

Well-Known Member
And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started.....


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....
 
Professur

Professur

Well-Known Member
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.'
__________________
 
Professur

Professur

Well-Known Member
WAL MART INTERVIEW

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring
someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack
of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.

Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one
question. Their answer would determine which of them would
get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room
table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you
know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops
into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied jennifer. 'And,
now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and
you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the
fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an
eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She
then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his
reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the
house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you
flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on
the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING
ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and
thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat
the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed
the same question. Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three
answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known
is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day
I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom,
but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had
already shit my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
 
Professur

Professur

Well-Known Member
Single vs. Engaged vs MARRIED!!

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a longscented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.I finished it off with a black mask.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down, turned on the game and yelled, "Hey Batman what's for dinner?"
 
MrBishop

MrBishop

Well-Known Member
Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
 
Professur

Professur

Well-Known Member
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy wint er nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....


















Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society
 
Professur

Professur

Well-Known Member
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a
few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the
entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric
fence kit and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor
Supply had in stock, made to send a powerful shock along 26 miles of
fence. I then bought an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove that sucker 7.5
feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The deeper you drive it
into the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart
5-hp big-wheel pushmower. I noticed my electric fence hot wire was
broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I had
unplugged the charg er a few days ago, so I pushed the mower around the
wire and reached down to grab it to throw it out of the way. It seems as
though I had recalled incorrectly and had forgotten to unplug it after
all.
Now I'm standing there; I've got the running lawnmower
in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep
in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery. On the cover
is a picture of an upside-down cow on fire. Time stood still. The first
thing I notice is my testicles are trying to climb up the front side of
my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the back of my brain. Every time that Briggs &
Stratton turned over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the
fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control
my electrical impulses.
Science says one cannot defecate, urinate and ejacu late
at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once,
you can add sneeze, cry and hiccup. My bowels emptied three different
times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel
movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and
BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants three times. It seemed like there
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from a John Deere.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe two seconds)
into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire
palm down, and I can?t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about
electric fences . . . but Dad always had those POS chargers made by
Harbor Freight or somebody that were like 9 volts and just kinda
tickled.
This one had me. I could not let go. The 8 foot long
ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp
Ark-La-Tex river bott om soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to
have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
(Damn!, I just filled the tank!) Now the lawnmower is starting to run
rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind
of big lawnmower racing cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee and jizz, and with my stones on my
chest I think, "Oh, please let it die . . . pleeeeze die." But nooooo,
it settles into the rough, lumpy idle and remains there, like a big bore
roller cam EFI motor waiting for the 'go' command from its owner's right
foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 90%
humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did
not take me that day . . . he left me there covered in my own fluids to
writhe in the misery of my own stupidity.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire . .
. I woke up lying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower beside me w
as out of gas. Don't know how long I lay there, but I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
another long skinny dead streak along the wire on the ground. I assume I
finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go
of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I
realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and
my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen, when all mixed together,
does not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now.
Seriously, I think our little session cleared out some carbon foulin g
or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My gonads are still smaller than average, yet
they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting
while thinking of the number 4. (I still dont understand this...)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect
for a whole bunch of things. I appreciate the little things more. It has
enhanced my ability to remember. I never forget to triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over
the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to
him. THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling.
 
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