7 office party no-nos
- Thread starter A.B.Normal
- Start date
unclehobart
New Member
Our office parties were drunken bashes laden with scandal ... otherwise they wouldn't be worth going to.
MrBishop
Well-Known Member
I have 2 jobs and 1 party. It's not going to be a rowdy affair. It's the same thing every year.
We get the nice invite.
The party is at the Archbishop's house (Bishops-court)
It's catered and has white-gloved waiters
There is good food and wine
No overdrinking
No music
No sex scandals
Two prayers
Go home
There are a few things that can be counted on:
- His Grace loves his fireplace so if you make the error of sitting next to it on the couch, your left thigh will be medium-rare after about an hour
- The verger will already be drunk when he arrives, doesn't eat and leaves early
- A portion of the group will hid out upstairs and talk about politics
- His Grace will show off his wine-cellar
- I will overeat and nearly break my neck on my way down the street (See slope) back to downtown
We get the nice invite.
The party is at the Archbishop's house (Bishops-court)
It's catered and has white-gloved waiters
There is good food and wine
No overdrinking
No music
No sex scandals
Two prayers
Go home
There are a few things that can be counted on:
- His Grace loves his fireplace so if you make the error of sitting next to it on the couch, your left thigh will be medium-rare after about an hour
- The verger will already be drunk when he arrives, doesn't eat and leaves early
- A portion of the group will hid out upstairs and talk about politics
- His Grace will show off his wine-cellar
- I will overeat and nearly break my neck on my way down the street (See slope) back to downtown
AlphaTroll
New Member
Well, I am the lucky sod who gets to organise all the office parties (one again on Friday), so yeah - all those rules do apply...it's annoying as shit when you organise something and hear people bitching and moaning about the venue/food/bar limits etc - well fuck you! if you could have done it better, satisfied 250 people and still came out on budget go for it, until then, shut yer goddamned trap!
Oh & BTW - office parties are for office staff only - please do not bring your families, we don't want to see them here, they irritate us.
And another thing....the food is for the party, please do not bring oversized bags to take doggybags home...we are not the salvation army...I am not interested in feeding your family.
And please don't get so drunk that you throw up on everyone else near you....we know you have no social life, but you really don't have to make an absolute pig of yourself.
Oh & BTW - office parties are for office staff only - please do not bring your families, we don't want to see them here, they irritate us.
And another thing....the food is for the party, please do not bring oversized bags to take doggybags home...we are not the salvation army...I am not interested in feeding your family.
And please don't get so drunk that you throw up on everyone else near you....we know you have no social life, but you really don't have to make an absolute pig of yourself.
tonksy
New Member
i was always the organizer as well...but i always worked with these people with, like, zip for creativity and they really needed the help...then again, most of my "office parties" were navy...but i always had alot of fun and that what's really important...my needs!..yeah...right...
AlphaTroll
New Member
Ha, I usually have a committee....except their idea of working on these things is coming to meetings and finding out what I have organised.
So, I just end up doing it myself anyway. This Friday's is just gonna be relaxed....I decided to just make a circus of it (that's the theme btw) - not very creative, but I've done 17 different functions this year, the juices are not flowing right now.
So, I just end up doing it myself anyway. This Friday's is just gonna be relaxed....I decided to just make a circus of it (that's the theme btw) - not very creative, but I've done 17 different functions this year, the juices are not flowing right now.
Wacky Nacky
New Member
" the juices are not flowing right now."
That could so be taken the wrong way [[giggles]]
That could so be taken the wrong way [[giggles]]
Sharky
New Member
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2003
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
=============================================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
==========================================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
==========================================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
===========================================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
===========================================================================================
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2003
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
=============================================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
==========================================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
==========================================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
===========================================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
===========================================================================================
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Sleeping Giant
New Member
My company's Christmas party was Dec. 2, for some reason. Families are not disallowed; actually, each employee is allowed and encouraged to bring a guest, typically the "significant other".
We have an interesting gift exchange. Each person attending (guests included) need to bring a gift worth about $10. Each person then picks a number randomly from a hat. Numbers are called in order and each peson goes up to the table to randomly select a gift, then you open the gift so everyone can see what it is. Now comes the interesting part. When your number is called, you have the option instead of selecting a gift that someone else has already taken. In other words, I get my gift from the table and open it, and if a later person decides he really wants what I got, they come take it from me, and then I have to go get a new unopened gift...or I can take someone ELSE's opened gift! I cannot, however, take back what was just taken from me. Gifts are only allowed to be "stolen" two times; after that, they become permanent property of the last stealer. Although a person cannot take back a gift that has just been stolen from them, they can get it back later on...If my gift is stolen, I go get another gift, and if someone later then steals my replacement, I can go and steal back my original gift, assuming it is still available...So you can get it back later, but not right away. Now this would seem like it would create some potential problems, at least I thought so the first time. Surely, I thought, nobody would dare steal the gift of the executives! But that wasn't the case. Nobody's gift is safe, and nobody has ever been fired the next day.
Everybody has fun with it. In fact, a lot of the gifts are in fun...Like the electric humping dog, or the package with the rubber giant cockroach, frog, and chicken. Last year, someone gave an electronic sound-effects generator that exclusively produced farting noises.
We have an interesting gift exchange. Each person attending (guests included) need to bring a gift worth about $10. Each person then picks a number randomly from a hat. Numbers are called in order and each peson goes up to the table to randomly select a gift, then you open the gift so everyone can see what it is. Now comes the interesting part. When your number is called, you have the option instead of selecting a gift that someone else has already taken. In other words, I get my gift from the table and open it, and if a later person decides he really wants what I got, they come take it from me, and then I have to go get a new unopened gift...or I can take someone ELSE's opened gift! I cannot, however, take back what was just taken from me. Gifts are only allowed to be "stolen" two times; after that, they become permanent property of the last stealer. Although a person cannot take back a gift that has just been stolen from them, they can get it back later on...If my gift is stolen, I go get another gift, and if someone later then steals my replacement, I can go and steal back my original gift, assuming it is still available...So you can get it back later, but not right away. Now this would seem like it would create some potential problems, at least I thought so the first time. Surely, I thought, nobody would dare steal the gift of the executives! But that wasn't the case. Nobody's gift is safe, and nobody has ever been fired the next day.
Everybody has fun with it. In fact, a lot of the gifts are in fun...Like the electric humping dog, or the package with the rubber giant cockroach, frog, and chicken. Last year, someone gave an electronic sound-effects generator that exclusively produced farting noises.