Airline Humor
- Thread starter Kruz
- Start date
Winky
Well-Known Member
Well then read this once and see what you think.
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This is pretty dated, but take a look anyway...
At last count, Bill Gates had an estimated net worth of $42 billion dollars ($42,000,000,000.000.00). He has earned since his birth an average of $32.31 per heartbeat, and this is escalating. He recently donated $200 million to place computers in libraries across the country. This is 1/210 of his wealth. Here are some other things he could do:
* Pay NBA MVP Michael Jordan's salary for 1,394 years.
* Give every man, woman and child on the face of the Earth $7.46.
* Pay every California Lottery prize for the next 34 years.
* Fund 158 Mars Pathfinder missions.
* Fund the US Department of Education for 19 years.
* Pay tuition for the residents of Seattle and Tacoma to go to the University of Washington for four years.
* Fund the US presence in the Persian Gulf for 11 months.
* Fund the US peacekeeping forces in Bosnia for 157 years.
* Buy 233,346,297 copies of Microsoft Windows 95.
* Buy 1,680,000,000 copies of his own book, buy more with his royalties from those sales, continuing the cycle and easily the best selling author of all time.
* Make Hanson the most successful musicians of all time by buying 3,529,411,765 copies of "Middle of Nowhere."
* If he wanted to challenge George Lucas (worth only $2 billion), he could make 227 sequels to "Waterworld," or 35,000 sequels to "Sling Blade."
* At the median donation for spending a night in the White House, he could stay in the Lincoln Bedroom for 46,300 years.
* If he wanted to go on a killing spree in Los Angeles County, at the rate that Simpson was charged, he could kill 3,360 people and pay all his attorney fees and punitive damages.
* At the rate of 1/2 ounce per $27 million, he could pay Mike Tyson to eat 1/5 of Evander Holyfield.
* He could fly from Seattle to Paris and back on Air France 45,258,621 times.
* If he wanted to go to a local baseball game, he could buy Seattle Mariners season tickets, all of them, for 411 years, and with his spare change could buy the team and the Kingdome.
* At Denny's, he could buy a "Grand Slam Slugger Breakfast" for 9,150,326,797 people.
* If he couldn't get service, he could buy every man, woman and child in China a Big Mac Extra Value Meal, as long as no one "Super Sizes."
* If they preferred, he could buy 17 billion packages of Top Ramen noodles.
* He must like coffee, and could buy over 6 billion pounds of French roast at his local Starbuck's.
* Speaking of a cup of coffee, he could support one of those Sally Struther's foreign kids for 113,341,969 years. Perhaps what he need to spend money on most is a new pair of glasses and some hair conditioner.
-- Evan Zambo-Blam, June 13, 1999
-----------------
This is pretty dated, but take a look anyway...
At last count, Bill Gates had an estimated net worth of $42 billion dollars ($42,000,000,000.000.00). He has earned since his birth an average of $32.31 per heartbeat, and this is escalating. He recently donated $200 million to place computers in libraries across the country. This is 1/210 of his wealth. Here are some other things he could do:
* Pay NBA MVP Michael Jordan's salary for 1,394 years.
* Give every man, woman and child on the face of the Earth $7.46.
* Pay every California Lottery prize for the next 34 years.
* Fund 158 Mars Pathfinder missions.
* Fund the US Department of Education for 19 years.
* Pay tuition for the residents of Seattle and Tacoma to go to the University of Washington for four years.
* Fund the US presence in the Persian Gulf for 11 months.
* Fund the US peacekeeping forces in Bosnia for 157 years.
* Buy 233,346,297 copies of Microsoft Windows 95.
* Buy 1,680,000,000 copies of his own book, buy more with his royalties from those sales, continuing the cycle and easily the best selling author of all time.
* Make Hanson the most successful musicians of all time by buying 3,529,411,765 copies of "Middle of Nowhere."
* If he wanted to challenge George Lucas (worth only $2 billion), he could make 227 sequels to "Waterworld," or 35,000 sequels to "Sling Blade."
* At the median donation for spending a night in the White House, he could stay in the Lincoln Bedroom for 46,300 years.
* If he wanted to go on a killing spree in Los Angeles County, at the rate that Simpson was charged, he could kill 3,360 people and pay all his attorney fees and punitive damages.
* At the rate of 1/2 ounce per $27 million, he could pay Mike Tyson to eat 1/5 of Evander Holyfield.
* He could fly from Seattle to Paris and back on Air France 45,258,621 times.
* If he wanted to go to a local baseball game, he could buy Seattle Mariners season tickets, all of them, for 411 years, and with his spare change could buy the team and the Kingdome.
* At Denny's, he could buy a "Grand Slam Slugger Breakfast" for 9,150,326,797 people.
* If he couldn't get service, he could buy every man, woman and child in China a Big Mac Extra Value Meal, as long as no one "Super Sizes."
* If they preferred, he could buy 17 billion packages of Top Ramen noodles.
* He must like coffee, and could buy over 6 billion pounds of French roast at his local Starbuck's.
* Speaking of a cup of coffee, he could support one of those Sally Struther's foreign kids for 113,341,969 years. Perhaps what he need to spend money on most is a new pair of glasses and some hair conditioner.
-- Evan Zambo-Blam, June 13, 1999
Winky
Well-Known Member
Saints
Jim Haslett had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away, ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away, ka-blooey! Then a
car passed, going 90 mph, bulls-eye! "I've got to get this guy!"
Coach Haslett said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history. The young Bosnian is hailed as the Great Hero of football, and when Coach Haslett asks him what he wants, all the young
man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."
"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," his mother retorts.
"At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.
The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.
Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives
last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"..I'll never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans."
Jim Haslett had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away, ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away, ka-blooey! Then a
car passed, going 90 mph, bulls-eye! "I've got to get this guy!"
Coach Haslett said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history. The young Bosnian is hailed as the Great Hero of football, and when Coach Haslett asks him what he wants, all the young
man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."
"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," his mother retorts.
"At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.
The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.
Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives
last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"..I'll never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans."
Winky
Well-Known Member
(Viva la France)
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by
prostitutes." ---Mark Twain
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French
one behind me." --- General George S. Patton
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion." --Jed Babbin, a former advisor to the elder George Bush
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."---Rush Limbaugh
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee."--- Regis Philbin
There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and beautiful young woman sitting
together in a carriage in a train going through a French Provence.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there
were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Suddenly there was
a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of
the tunnel the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had
happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face where he had been
slapped. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed her
and she missed him and slapped me instead.' The woman was thinking: 'The
French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and
got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next
time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap
that French bastard again.'
Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the
1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face
for it."---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he
hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
--Conan O'Brien
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get
Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of
France!"---Jay Leno
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into
Paris under a German flag."--David Letterman
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by
prostitutes." ---Mark Twain
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French
one behind me." --- General George S. Patton
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion." --Jed Babbin, a former advisor to the elder George Bush
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."---Rush Limbaugh
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee."--- Regis Philbin
There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and beautiful young woman sitting
together in a carriage in a train going through a French Provence.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there
were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Suddenly there was
a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of
the tunnel the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had
happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face where he had been
slapped. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed her
and she missed him and slapped me instead.' The woman was thinking: 'The
French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and
got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next
time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap
that French bastard again.'
Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the
1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face
for it."---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he
hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
--Conan O'Brien
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get
Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of
France!"---Jay Leno
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into
Paris under a German flag."--David Letterman
Winky
Well-Known Member
The best Dear John letter
A young girl on a years training course in South Africa recently received a
"Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Mary,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just
too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since
you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please
return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, John
Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could
spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins, etc.
In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of
the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos
in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear John,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take
your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Mary
A young girl on a years training course in South Africa recently received a
"Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Mary,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just
too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since
you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please
return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, John
Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could
spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins, etc.
In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of
the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos
in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear John,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take
your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Mary
Winky
Well-Known Member
Naughty Riddles
Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Winky
Well-Known Member
Heaven.
The night before they were to be married a young couple were in a fatal car accident on their way to the church rehearsal. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While they sat there, still deeply in love, they wondered, could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find out," and he left. The young couple sat and waited for an answer. Weeks passed.
While they waited, they pondered and discussed many related questions: "If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all." "What if it doesn't work?",they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After a month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes, he informed the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "but we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground and stamped his foot. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me five weeks to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
The night before they were to be married a young couple were in a fatal car accident on their way to the church rehearsal. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While they sat there, still deeply in love, they wondered, could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find out," and he left. The young couple sat and waited for an answer. Weeks passed.
While they waited, they pondered and discussed many related questions: "If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all." "What if it doesn't work?",they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After a month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes, he informed the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "but we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground and stamped his foot. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me five weeks to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
Winky
Well-Known Member
Circumstance
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing with yourself these days?"
"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies.
"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.
"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've
got to install a pole in your house that will go to the
basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing
for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.
"Well, did your son become a fireman?"
"No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing with yourself these days?"
"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies.
"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.
"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've
got to install a pole in your house that will go to the
basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing
for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.
"Well, did your son become a fireman?"
"No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."
