Cat Joke

A.B.Normal

A.B.Normal

New Member
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. It worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car
 
United Way


A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation
from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of
contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you
give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community
in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way! rep mumbled, "Um. . . no."

" - or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but
was interrupted, "

" - or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's
voice rising in volume
"leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no
idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again:

"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"
 
robot caddie











A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie, "

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this.

We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today"

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job.

" The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use you your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole. "

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right.

" The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left. "

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.

He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.

But his luck didn't end there His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game? "

The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots.

See you next week. A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.

Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies,
please"

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We
had too many complaints. "

Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway. "

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black? "

The man nodded sadly and replied,

"We did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop
 
Pondering life's questions









You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night when
You
pass a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could
only
be one passenger in your car?

Think, before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a
job
application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus
you
should save her first.
Or ... you could take the old friend because he once saved your life,
and
this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up
with this answer. She simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my
old
friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind
and
wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out
of
her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop sign,

then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

God, I just love happy endings.
 
Husband and Wife having dinner


A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him
later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough,
I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember,
if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris,
no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany,
no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the
decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
 
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

****

TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
 
Legislators have proposed a new law banning round hay bales because recent research has shown that farm animals aren't getting square meals.

(courtesy of Zach)(laughed my ass off when he told me that one with a deadpan face)
 
a letter home





Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell
them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was
restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your
cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash
to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got
to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,
fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and
Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on
coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get
fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are
long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to
tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our
mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all
ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school
teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board.
Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't
bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as
big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at
you like the Leggett boys at home. All you got to do is lie
there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own
cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You
get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful
though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that
ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except
for that Doug Bingham from over in Tennessee. I only beat him
once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and
130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail
 
AMERICAN MILITARY TRUISMS:

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. This would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit"
U.S. ARMY's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the enemy " Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher.

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend"
U.S. Marine Corp.

"Cluster bombing is very , very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to
always hit the ground" USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you " Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed "
U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons "
General McArthur

"Try to look unimportant. They may be low on ammo "
Infantry Journal!

"You, you and you...... Panic. The rest of you come with me "
U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways " U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds " Infantry Journal

"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush "
Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit ever passed an inspection "
U.S. Army Grunt

"Any ship can be a mine sweeper....... once "
Anon

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you "
Unknown Infantryman

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him "
USAF Ammo Troop

At the entrance to the old SR-71 Operations Base at Kadena , Japan; " Yea
though I fly through the Valley of Death... I shall fear no evil, for I am
at 80,000 feet and CLIMBING "

"You have never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3! "
Paul Crickmore, U.S. Navy pilot

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire "
Anon fighter pilot.

Navy Truisms;

"There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky "

If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter..... and therefore unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin engine aircraft you always have enough
power to get you to the scene of the crash.

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Finally , as the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft having
torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives,
the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks " What happened ? " The pilot's
reply, " I don't know, I just got here myself ! "
Attributed to Ray Crandell, Lockheed Test Pilot.
 
Bummer of a Day

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance
policy. The new law stated that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a
really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon
the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at
the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in,
I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour
and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I
immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I
searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and
noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of
that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his
fall and he didn't die.

This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I
could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of
was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it
over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment
was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It
was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of
Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald
Trump. "Mr.Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was
like when you died."

Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony
of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of
pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little
carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But
all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing,
and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the
bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. But as I'm laying there
face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push
his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on
top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get
used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces.
"Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too
shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head.
Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this, I'm naked inside a refrigerator...
 
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