"IT'S A STINKIN' SHAME"
Good morning ladies and gentlemen. My name is Neil Rosone and I will present some fictional facts about the 'Communist' plot to ruin our air, water and natural resources. I have come to this Current Affairs Club meeting today to bring you a Reporters' Report on the first annual meeting of the 'SPOILARS'. That is spelled s-p-o-i-l-a-r-s. In case you are wondering who the SPOILARS are, let me tell you what their title means. They are the 'Society to Pollute Our Interior Lakes, Air and Recreational Sites'. They are foreign agents who have been sent to America to encourage her citizens to continue to frolic in their slovenly ways. The co-operation they get is amazing! On my way here today I saw three trash containers, brand new, empty and looking so forlorn. Yet, within fifty feet of their yawning mouths I counted three broken bottles, two lunch bags, numberous apple cores and banana skins, one dirty white sneaker and a one-wheeled, broken down velocipede. These were all contributions from various auxillaries of the SPOILARS.
The SPOILARS are holding their meetings in the Chicago Stock Yards, Pens #3, #4 and #5. Pens #1 and #2 contain a very interesting exhibit of the equipment used in their highly successful campaign. There are holey auto mufflers, broken down CTA busses, rusty bed springs, wet, torn brown paper bags and lots of industrial waste. Pen #2 offers coninuous demonstrations in the most effective ways of using these readily available materials.
The first session of the SPOILARS was called to order on 'Blah' Monday with reports from the heads of the various committees. Mr. Waste King, the Interior Lakes Pollution Chief, told of the great results they had achieved in the Lake Erie area. He emphasized again and again that his work was so simple and that he was getting all kinds of co-operation from the United States Government and the factories located on the lakeshores. He actually wept great, oily tears as he begged the Head SPOILAR for more work. (Actually, I felt that he was bored and needed a vacation. I kept thinking maybe he'd like to go fishing, but where? He had done his job so effectively there's no place left to catch anything but a COLD!)
The second speaker was C. O. Two. His job is to fill our air with gas fumes, choking smoke, metallic particles and ashes. He reported that he was finding it more difficult to get the help of the general public. His main complaint was that people just won't burn garbage or leaves anymore! Imagine they pay to have these things hauled away.
Miss Glacier National told of the extraordinary success of her campaign to spoil all our beautiful parks and picnic areas. She explained that parents are her biggest helpers. They leave loose garbage and smoldering campfires at the campsites and all she needs to add is hot sun and dry leaves and she's got a great recipe for a conflagration!
There was an election of officers and then they chose their mascot and club anthem. Ima Mess is the new National President, Red Tape is in charge of the lobbyists in Washington, D.C. and Junk Mail has been re-elected as the National Secretary. The mascot for the year will be "Pigpen" from the Peanuts cartoon and the theme song is "Fly Me to The Moon". We've already started exporting our garbage up there for future generations, so I guess they are really keeping their fingers on the pulse of this nation.
Ladies and Gentlemen, let me assure you that this organization is a foreign underground group who intend to destroy America with the help and permission of her disinterested citizens! Where, but in America would the people be so willing to destroy all that's beautiful and life giving?
Seriously thought, I must admit that I just couldn't bring myself to really attend those sessions with the SPOILARS, so now I'll confess that I gathered all this information from a discarded copy of the 'Daily Worker' I found as I stomped through the fog and smog in Lincoln Park yesterday.
I thank you.
The game turned out to be memorable, Prior pitched and struck out 16 batters in 8 innings, but Borowski blew it in the 9th and the Cubs lost. 
to you Daddy, from your little girl.
